The Dick Show

Episode 95 – Dick on Chutzpah

Starring: Dick Masterson, Sean the audio engineer, Asterios Kokkinos

Transcription by: /u/Kim_Jong-Skill

Sean: What do you have peg board here for?

Dick: To hang on the wall.

Sean: So you can hang tools from it, or what?

Dick: Well, no. I hung up all the audio cables.

Sean: Oh, that’s a good idea.

Dick: Yeah. Man, the joke is on me for posting any type of DIY home improvement project on the internet. Here, let me start the show.

Sean: Okay.

(Theme Riff)

Dick: Yeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-haaah! Welcome to Dick! You want Dick, you need Dick, you love Dick, you’ve got it! It’s the show where everything is a contest. Coming to you live from a mountain bunker deep in the heart of the city of failure, I am your host, Dick Masterson, the 20-million-dollar man! The 20-million-dollar man. With me, as always, is Sean the audio engineer.

Sean: Hello Dick.

Dick: Hey, what’s up buddy? DIY projects, man. Don’t make the mistake of posting those online. It’s just an internet full of your dad. “Hey guys, check out this thing that I did. I put some peg board up to clean up the studio a little bit, and to just fight the never-ending battle of keeping my house from being a forbidden temple. A forbidden Aztec temple, where you have to tiptoe around – where everything in the house can destroy you. That’s what the ancient temples were. The pyramids and the temples with the artifacts and things, and Indiana Jones, and the booby traps. That wasn’t made to stop people from coming in, that was just a guy who got too busy and couldn’t keep his stuff together, and his wife’s like, “Where did you put all the poison darts?” “I’ll clean them up in a bit, I just gotta go to this… First of all, my life coach and I are going to the beheading festival, and then we’re gonna go play that game where they kick rocks though hoops, it’s like sideways. We’re gonna go play some sideways basketball down at the field. The losers are getting sacrifices, so don’t get in my head about poison darts today, and trick platforms that you put things on. I got it balanced perfectly so that it stays there. I gotta clear my head and move the idol and put it somewhere else, because I got a lot of other shit tangled up in there! So just let me go to the sideways basketball game and not get sacrificed, and you fucking got it! I’ll come home, and I’ll do it! But, as of now, it’s just gotta be this mess – this self-contained mess.”

Sean: Yeah. They’re on different pages as far as priorities go.

Dick: Yeah. Just wanna see some sideways sacrifice basketball. And I got the wires everywhere. You gotta – you know. They’re like caltrops, these wires, because you walk around barefoot, and they’re like Legos – they’re like adult – they’re like engineer Legos, the wires. You step on ‘em wrong. You’ve gotta do a little twist to get through as you’re tiptoeing to the bathroom. Especially terrible drunk, so I try to clean up a little bit. Thought it’d be a great idea to put up some peg board. Versatile, it’s cheap, it’s white, it matches the wall. Other people have done it, I’m not re-inventing the wheel here. I’ve seen pegboard. So I say, “Look at this great thing I did. I’ll just take a little picture and put it on the internet, right? Check this little thing out on the pegboard here.” First comment, “Are those a woman’s hands?” Okay, you motherfucker. “Hey, Dick. Why are you putting up a pegboard? This is what a pegboard is for.” Just a garage full of tools. Okay, you sons of bitches. Okay, I get it. I made a mistake of showing that I was proud of something, and now it’s a “how small is your penis” contest. I’ve walked right into a penis contest thinking it was show and tell. That’s the problem.

Sean: Life’s a penis contest, as it turns out.

Dick: IT is! And that’s what – you know, they stopped doing show and tell with the children.

Sean: Because it makes other children feel bad?

Dick: I don’t know why they stopped doing it, but it should continue through high school, because that is life. Show and tell is life. Final exams, where you’re being tested on things that you can Google, Google’s probably Googling for you. By the way, listening to you while you’re just going around the house just talking about cat food, and all of a sudden you’re getting cat food ads. Google’s Googling it for you. You don’t need to know any of the things you’re being tested on in school, except for the skills you learn in show and tell. It should be – all of high school should be a once a week – the whole fucking school’s getting together to watch this motherfucker’s show and tell. You better be fucking ready! Like the hunger games, it’s show and tell. Right? THIS is the future dystopia. You get your PowerPoint together, because that’s what you need in life. PowerPoints. You don’t need to know shit about Beowulf. You don’t need to know. All high school English teaches you how to do isw get jokes that they read on the Daily Show. References that they make on the Daily Show.

Sean: That’s funny because there’s a lot of truth to that.

Dick: You don’t fucking need any of that humanities horse shit. None of it.

Sean: Yeah. You can understand Dennis Miller’s comedy by…

Dick: Yeah! Except he’s conservative, so I don’t want to dump on him.

Sean: He is now. But he was always like – he would make a Beowulf reference.

Dick: And everyone’s like, “Yeah, I’ve heard of that.” Like Stephen Hawking. Everybody’s shitting themselves, “Oh, that’s the smartest guy ever.” Really? Then why didn’t he get a Nobel Prize, because he can’t prove that black holes are that bright with data then? Why? Because you know him? Because YOU know him? Because you fucking know him, that’s why. Because you wrote a book that 10-million people didn’t read, and just put on their coffee table, and then started talking about a make believe scientific afterlife because they’re embarrassed to admit that they need god in their life? Is that why he’s fucking famous, and he gave that to you?

Sean: No, people are killing themselves right now, Dick.

Dick: I got a lot of really funny voicemails today.

Sean: Really?

Dick: Yeah. So that’s why I have the peg board, Sean. To hang up wires. That’s it. To try to just take the chaos and give it some order. It’s a logistical nightmare, and it’s also a human nightmare, because the crabs pull you down, Sean. The crabs pull you down, and they should. If you can eventually – the last crab will pull your body down, and your spirit will climb out of the pit.

Sean: Keep your white collar might cable hanging ass – you know, you’re supposed to use it for tools. Get some man hands!

Dick: Get some man hands while you’re at it! Get some man hands to control everything by voice in your house. That’s the future! It’s gonna be – you’re gonna go fort a mani-pedi. Like, women have these – go to sexualize themselves, right? With their nails and their makeup. They just want to look like they’re constantly orgasming. That’s why the look like that, you know. But for men, you’re gonna get a mani-pedi, and they’re gonna rough up your hands. The future’s gonna be so lazy that you’re gonna go to get…

Sean: To get calloused.

Dick: Yeah. “So we were at the callous farm. The callous box.” Where you and a bunch of dudes sit around getting their hands roughed up by little old Korean ladies. Maybe not old, because you can’t tell. You know?

Sean: It’s true.

Dick: I like throwing a little anchor of racism throughout so it’s relatable. “Oh, yeah. Korean, you can’t tell.” And then across from you is gonna be the guys doing CrossFit.

Sean: That’s still going? That’ll still be going?

Dick: Yeah. It’s fun. I get it. When Jamie was here, she would do…

Sean: Yeah, you get to throw around a bunch of tires and shit, right?

Dick: Yeah. CrossFit is religion for men, because you don’t sit still. Like, so much of society that’s anti-male is about sitting still, and they just said, “Oh, we’ll do our own dumb vocabulary and teamwork shit, and like mutual obligations. Like obligating you to the pack, because you’re more likely to sacrifice things than someone else than you are for yourself. But we’ll just let you run around and goof around and throw fucking cables and wiggle things.” And we’ll put the hottest chicks in this. The gym looks like a dumper. A regular gym looks like a Curves to me now, after fuckin’ JLH’s CrossFit intervention. That’s what I’m saying. This one’s Dick on Chutzpah. It’s coming out on Tuesday this episode. Going out on Tuesday, and that’ll be the motion to dismiss. It’s heard on Tuesday.

Sean: I watched Nick Rackets the other night.

Dick: Oh, did you? You’re in there too?

Sean: I’m in there too.

Dick: Everybody’s in there.

Sean: He’s so fucking good man. That guy.

Dick: He is. And he’s got a new format where he goes straight through the document and does questions at the end. Because before, he would stop and talk to people, and it detracted it. Like, no, I want to…

Sean: No, it’s a good move on his part, I think. He was just reading the highlighted ones with the donations, so it’s not that many of them.

Dick: It’s funny. Like, he’s going out every week, and entertaining the Trocadero full of people, reading these legal documents.

Sean: Well he’s got some real charisma too. He does have some presence, so it’s – you know.

Dick: And he’s got that no swearing thing. That’s a tasty gimmick!

Sean: Somebody made a reference to butt farming or something, or he read it as butt farming.

Dick: Yeah, he read it as butt farming. He won’t even say ass. But he will say queef. He said queef a number of times.

Sean: Maybe he doesn’t know that’s at least crass.

Dick: I dunno. There was also…

Sean: I think he said twat.

Dick: He did?

Sean: He said twat one time, I think.

Dick: Oh my. He’s Breaking Bad. I’m starting to have an effect on him. He’s having an effect on me too. Like, I found this – I had this niggling thought last week, like, “maybe I need religion,” and I was like, “Get outta here! Get outta here! Get outta here!”

Sean: Get out of here, Stephen Hawking!

Dick: Yeah, get outta here! I got my science! I have science that says there’s many universes, and my life is happening in an infinite number of ways in all possible ways. I don’t need god, I have science to tell mew that there’s a multitude of universes where I’m not of this. Where I’m not a failure, and that spirituality lives through science, you idiot. I don’t need some stupid book that was written 2000 years ago, I have this book that was written 30 years ago, thank you very much… That was never proven. And if Hawking radiation is real, then why isn’t the universe full of exploding black holes? It’s all I wanna know.

Sean: I’ve seen a few.

Dick: Who gets the chair, that’s what I wanna know. Who gets his chair? Does it go in a museum?

Sean: I dunno. His chair?

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: Yeah. I wanna ride around that fucking thing.

Dick: Is it an important scientific artifact? Or is it morbid and crass to display – you know what I mean?

Sean: There’s a lot of people who did not know he was British.

Dick: Because he’s a computer.

Sean: Right. Because it spoke in an American accent.

Dick: I dunno. God bless him. What a fucking life, but it’s funny. It’s funny.

Sean: I mean, he might be the longest lived person with ALS.

Dick: Really?

Sean: Yeah. The average diagnosis – like, from time of diagnosis to death is like 2-3 years.

Dick: I mean, you know what he should get a Nobel prize in is hooking up with his care taker. Man, pulling that fucking pivot when you’re basically a head in a jar, that’s some serious fucking game. That’s quantum lever playersmanship. There should be a Nobel prize in pimping.

Sean: It’s impressive.

Dick: That’s impressive.

Sean: And I don’t wanna think about it any further.

Dick: I mean look, Arnold Schwarzenegger is the biggest Chad on earth, and he’s married to Skeletor, and then he had an affair with Grimace, right? But this is Stephen (laughs.) If you ever need evidence that you can do it, no matter what your situation is as a man, just look at this. The world’s biggest Chad is married to a skelington – is married to Jack Skelington and is putting all his resources into cheating on her with Grimace. And then Stephen Hawking, the man in the chair, married and hooking up with his care taker, who I assume is a beautiful woman, I dunno. But if there’s anything you need to know about your excuses, Sean, about your excuses – about being shy. You know, maybe I don’t have a lot of experience. I don’t have any money to brag about. I’m unemployed. This guy can only text! Okay?

Sean: With his fucking eyes.

Dick: Yeah! Remove that from your quiver, and see how far you get. Don’t give me these…

Sean: Don’t come looking for sympathy here!

Dick: Don’t do science thinking about Stephen Hawking. You think about hitting on broads, you think about – that’s who you go to. You know? That is the pantheon of…

Sean: The greatest mind of all time.

Dick: Yes! Yes! Exactly. I’m kidding around, I hope no one’s offended by this rant. Because I don’t want to go to jail like Count Dankula. Get sentenced, get found guilty of causing mass offense. Stick on Chutzpah today. So this is coming out Tuesday. Tuesday’s gonna be the big day where the motion to dismiss is heard. It might be being heard while you’re listening to this on Tuesday. It’s either going to be one of the best days of my life, or one of the worst days for America.

Sean: Yes.

Dick: Yeah. It’s gonna be one big party for a man, or one giant kick in the Dick for mankind. That’s what it’s gonna be on Tuesday. I’m very much looking forward to it at this point. The nerves and anxiety have fallen away to anticipation and page turnery. I just want to know how it ends. That’s it. And I will tell you this: If it ends how it should – if my motion is dismissed, or if Maddox’s motion is dismissed, and my motion to dismiss is awarded – if I win, IF MADDOX LOSES, AS HE WAS WONT TO DO, and as his lawyer has done MANY TIMES, then we begin the – then it is going to be the fucking – you know what the original name of Return of the Jedi was? Revenge of the Jedi. That’s what we’re going into. They changed Revenge of the fucking Jedi. They changed it to save on printer ink.

Sean: They changed it because Jedis don’t seek revenge.

Dick: This one does. The third act of the third movie in this trilogy is revenge of the motherfucking Jedi. I am going to enslave a tribe of Ewok lawyers, and shoot them straight up Maddox’s ass. I don’t care what – I’m gonna paint myself gold, and find a planet full of Ewok lawyers.

Sean: As you should.

Dick: It’s gonna be – it’s gonna turn on a fucking dime.

Sean: It should be absolutely ruthless and brutal.

Dick: And this ramshackle affair will be brought down. Brought down upon the world. Fuck the survivors.

Sean: It should be absolutely merciless.

Dick: Oh, yeah. If this could please – Please, Stephen Hawking, please science, let this be dismissed! Please let’s be in the universe of all the multiple universes where this works out for me, and it doesn’t go poorly. This is gonna be – because we have not had a lot of wins this last week. Dankula got punked by the sheriff of Nottingham, some geriatric fascist with a hardon for punishing random comedians, because the justice system is apparently done all it needs to do to keep it safe, and knows that we will disband it if they have done their work. You know – presumable in the future – presumably the future we’re going towards has no justice system, right? Because we don’t need it! Because we are not want for anything!

Sean: No, because it’s all been solved.

Dick: Because we have resources aplenty. We can manipulate matter to our hearts content, so we don’t need these laws, right? That’s what we’re all – I would like everybody in the justice system to sign that terms of service realizing that we’re trying to disband this thin as quickly as possible. Right? You’re on board for that, right? Raise the hand before we give you the stupid wig that lets you run people’s lives, raise your hand and say this is not the goal. Because I don’t think everyone realizes that who’s in it. Dispensing their own justice.

Sean: Yeah, it’s really – this whole – it’s so short sighted.

Dick: You remember when those – the Cracked comedy podcast was dryly making fun of me for being very, very, very anti-censorship?

Sean: Yes.

Dick: I mean gee, you fucking wonder why I think that? You wonder why? Because we get hunted randomly and dragged across the coals and crucified by a court for doing basically nothing. You fucking wonder why we’re so very, very, very anti-censorship? Chutzpah, Tuesday’s the day. You know what else? Tuesday’s Maddox’s birthday. Tuesday’s Maddox’s 40^th birthday.

Sean: Wow.

Dick: Yeah. And I want that dismissal gift-wrapped and shoved right up his skinny fat ass, because that guy is – Maddox is the archetypal villain in that he thinks he’s doing right, which is the worst part about him.

Sean: Right, that’s the worst kind fo person there is. Someone who is sure they’re correct, and never once thinks that they might not be correct. Someone without any self-doubt is a dangerous person.

Dick: Yeah. Did you see – Nick Rackets uncovered this, but when Maddox filed for a default judgement against Asterios. Greenburger, Asterios’s lawyer who’s maybe the funniest lawyer in the world…

Sean: He’s absolutely hysterical, and I can only imagine that he knows the judges that you’re working with, because he’s putting in a lot of zingers, and…

Dick: He’s like the perfect – he’s like a Reece’s Peanut Butter Cup of lawyer and jew. He’s perfectly mixed the comedy of one and the lawyering of the other.

Sean: I know! I said the same thing the other night. I said he’s like a Jewish comedian.

Dick: Yeah. 80’s girl asks, “Well, what’s he like?” I’m like, “Well, not too much lawyer, not too much Jew.”

Sean: He said he was attacked like a rabid dog.

Dick: Yeah. He said Landau attacked him like a rabid dog.

Sean: The guy’s amazing.

Dick: He’s funny, I really want to talk to him. We don’t, you know…

Sean: It makes me think -  he must be listening to this show. I think he is.

Dick: I don’t believe that anybody could not listen to this how. You know? Everybody wants to know how it’s gonna end, Sean.

Sean: No self-doubt, you’re definitely dangerous.

Dick: So, this was – I found this to be the funniest part of the new Greenberger’s revenge documents. It’s like Montezuma’s revenge, except it’s diarrhea straight into Maddox’s mouth.

Sean: Yeah, you just shit out money.

Dick: So, Landau filed this motion for default judgement against Asterios, which means you automatically lose. Asterios hadn’t answered yet, so Landau said, “Default judgement, he loses!” And filed this.

Sean: Because he fucked up the dates.

Dick: Yeah. Learn to fucking count. Count above – you gotta count above 20.

Sean: And he had his brother do that.

Dick: Yeah. So the funniest thing was: Greenberger said, “Hey, just letting you know that the time hasn’t passed. Do you want to withdraw your motion because it’s wrong because you miscounted? Like, this isn’t a legal argument, this is a numbers argument.”

Sean: Yeah. You’re just dumb.

Dick: Are you so progressive that you think numbers mean what they want to? Because we’re years away from that. We’re still in the world where we at least all can acknowledge numbers are the same. Although I don’t know. And Landau’s reply to Greenberger was, “We’ll do it for $2,545.”

Sean: Yeah. I love that amount too.

Dick: Wait, what? Now here’s what Nick said on the stream. It’s because per hour he had to charge – he would have had to charge Maddox that much to unfile it, so that means he’s running up a huge bill over there. The audacity of – “Tell you what, for $2,500, I’ll take it back. I’ll pull it back.” Is this a shakedown or what? I know what a shakedown looks like and feels like. That’s what it is!

Sean: It’s right out in the open. The fucking balls man.

Dick: The Chutzpah! That’s the Chutzpah.

Sean: A mutual friend of ours described that term perfectly. They said that Chutzpah is murdering your parents, and then asking the judge for mercy because you’re an orphan. That’s the perfect analogy, and it it. Like, the fucking balls on you man. The fucking balls to do that. To say that with a straight face, seriously.

Dick: I never knew what the definition of it was until Greenberger spelled it out in a legal document, see what I’m saying? Jew and lawyer together. Perfect fucking amount. I forget what he said. It was his filing of sanctions after being notified he was in violation of an ethics code, to immediately flip it around. That is a Chutzpah.

Sean: That is a perfect example of it.

Dick: Alright. Speaking of good intentions going awry, have you seen this march for our lives shit?

Sean: Yeah. How can you not?

Dick: Hey, here’s all I have to say. If all these kids have time to protest and take away my AR-15’s, then why don’t we give ‘em something to protest about? That’s the old dad slogan, right? If you want – if you’re crying, I’ll give you something to cry about. And I’m gonna say this to the kids, you don’t beat dad. You might get a couple in on dad, but you don’t beat dad. Ever. So if you’re gonnna protest, I say we give the kids something to protest about. We had a slogan in fast food, if you ever worked at a fast food joint. If you’ve got time to lean, you’ve got time to clean. You want to skip out on class to fiddle around with rights? I got one right off the top that I think we could do without, and that’s teenagers driving! 56% say they are on the phone or texting while they’re driving. I got some more stats. 33% of deaths in teenagers occurred in motor vehicle crashes, not with an AR-15, Sean. With a car. Where are they driving? There are plenty of unemployed adults in America. I’m sure we don’t need teenagers, the dumbest demographic – at the dumbest point they are in their life, and definitely the dumbest demographic doing jobs that unemployed adults could do. So they don’t need to drive to work. They can’t vote, so they don’t need to go exercise their privilege to vote! If they’ve got time to lean, they’ve got time to clean. If they’re coming after dad’s AR-15, then I say dad takes the fucking car away, because I’m a lot more afraid of a teenage driver texting and crying about their boyfriend or girlfriend that they’re probably not even gonna fuck because they don’t know how to use their dicks yet, than I am of a wild AR-15 around me.

Sean: Yeah. Me too.

Dick: I think we fucking all are! 235,000 teenagers were treated in departments for injuries suffered in a motor vehicle crash in 2015. 230,000 teenagers were killed. That’s a lot more than, you know, 20. I mean, it’s not a right. I don’t see anywhere in the constitution that says teenagers should be able to drive cars, and that it’s important to protect against tyranny by giving them a fucking mobilized bomb death machine, and letting them tear ass out on the road. I fucking want to take it from them, because I’m so tired of these arrogant little cocksuckers telling me what I’m allowed to do. I have put in a lot more into this system than you little motherfuckers!

Sean: God, you’re so much more fun than I ever thought you would be middle-aged.

Dick: (laughing) Why?

Sean: Because you’re like me now.

Dick: Sean! You know, I wait every morning – I wake up hoping that someone else’s rights are being taken away in America. Like, “Oh, today they banned the piñata.” And I would say, “Oh, it sucks for somebody else who’s not be today, because I don’t give a fuck about piñatas!” Today, they banned you from calling yourself the mommy to your dog. “Ah, sorry ladies! Sorry! Where’s your fucking guns, bitch? How are you gonna stop the government from taking that away from you?” Today, the government announced that if you replace your R’s with L’s, you could be hit with a $10,000 fine.

Sean: Hory shit!

Dick: I guess the white man really is going out of control keeping everybody down now. But until then it seems like it’s all fucking getting taken away from me! And I don’t think I’m exaggerating. Every day, I hope the fucking Grinch came. Every day, I hope the Grinch came, but every day it’s Santa. Every fucking day it’s dad has to show up and give these whining cocksuckers more of his stuff. Santa has a limited amount of stuff, and he’s giving it away every day. I just want the Grinch to come and take it fucking back.

Sean: And actually fucking dump it off the top of Mt. Crumpet or whatever – 10,000 feet up.

Dick: Yeah. I’m the fucking dad now. I say we’re taking the car back. You wanna fuck around with guns? We’re taking the fucking car back. Good luck hooking up on a tandem bicycle, you little piece of shit David Hog! You fucking pretty boy cocksucker. Go take – have a fucking naked livestream on Twitch, you piece of shit. Good fucking luck with getting off with that without a car., Take their fucking cars. Make it harder to drive. First you gotta pass a range test to prove that you support American rights by shooting – right? By having – yeah. Simple drivers test. Bring your AR-15 out.

Sean: Testing hand-eye coordination. Like you said, you’re in control of a 3,000 pound …

Dick: Because your brain’s under developed, right now at this age.

Sean: Well, that’s biologically true. You’re not done.

Dick: You know what? Minor in possession? It’s now a fucking felony! Good luck getting chicks sauced up now, you little pricks! You wanna have some fun on spring break? Fun’s for dad now! I’m the fucking – I’m the teenager now! You see this? I’m drinking on spring break! Your fun’s fucking over, because you couldn’t keep your fucking hands away from dad’s guns! They looked too good! They looked too fun! You don’t want dad to have any fun in his life! You gotta take away the few things he fucking has! You’re grounded.

Sean: Forever.

Dick: Forever! You’re fucking grounded. God damn. It’s the only (cough.) I dunno what else to do. You’ve got time to protest? Okay, I’ll give you something to march about. I get it, I get it. Every movie, every video game, you get all powered up by the end, right? And then the next game, there’s some cockamamie reason you gotta lose all that shit and start over with nothing. Stupid. They always have some kinda reason, but that’s what we’re doing. Every new generation of teenagers, we just gotta take it all away. Why can’t we drive? Well, you know, a space laser shot America, and it lost everyone their rights, so it’s your job to get those rights back. You gotta learn about why they’re important, you gotta go through the whole game again. I know you like games, you motherfuckers, because that’s all you do is play games and Dick off! You think this is a game! You think this protest and activism is a fucking game, and it is not a game! Obviously, there is a lot of good teenagers listen to this show. I think they’re probably incensed about it too. No one wants to see the high school kissass on television getting praised by a bunch of…

Sean: Because that’s exactly what they don’t need.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: It’s gonna push them over the edge into becoming a really terrible person.

Dick: Yeah. It’s not, “I’ll tell something for the kids out there who hate the kissasses.” Right? Because I remember being a teenager, like, “those fucking kissasses. They’re always kissing the adults’s ass. They always get all the praise and the credit. Fuck you.” The adults that are praising them, those are our kissasses. They grow up into other kissasses, and have a little economy of kissassery where they don’t do anything but kiss each other’s ass and cooperate to take all of our shit away. 6 teenagers die every day from motor vehicle injuries. Gosh, we gotta march for the lives of these 6 children a day! Did Marco Rubio have anything to do with that? Are any senators marching to protect the lives of these teenagers from dying in cars? I sure hope so, Sean! Not only should they not drive, but they should have 5-point harnesses and helmets in the car, because their brains are still soft! Pink helmets! So opposing traffic can see them more better! That’s what I need! With little propellers on them, so if you get in a car wreck, they fly away from the scene.

Sean: Straight to a hospital!

Dick: You fucking bastards! Ah man, Revenge of the Jedi. Revenge of the Jedi. It’s coming.

Sean: Fucking white hot light sabre right up your asshole. Sear you shut forever.

Dick: Oh man, light sabre? No, no, no. Lightning only. That’s the fucking – dad’s light sabre comes right out of his cock. Here you go. All the little Luke Skywalkers out there gonna get their light sabers out, it’s like, “Boom! I’ve got a dick light sabre. You wanna mess around with a guy’s Dick?” Now it’s in your fucking mind, you don’t want that. You don’t know what dad is capable of.

Sean: Because his Schwarts is bigger!

Dick: Dad is hard. Don’t fuck with him, or you will lose your fucking car. What is that Beach Boys song about taking the T bird away?

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Fun Fun Fun. You protesting is Fun Fun Fun. Being on TV is Fun Fun Fun. Leaving hashtags with Twitter’s little emoji built into the hashtags Fun Fun Fun, but daddy’s gonna take your fucking car away for your own safety. For your own safety, you shouldn’t be allowed to drive. Suck on that you pretty boy.

Sean: (mockingly) But that’s not why they’re doing it! But that’s not why they’re doing it! S A F E T Y.

Dick: Yeah it is, it’s for your fucking safety, man. Don’t worry, I’ll hold your car…

Sean: Why doesn’t anybody see it’s for not safety?! It’s for safety.

Dick: Maybe it’s 20 even. Maybe it shouldn’t be 18. You motherfuckers stay on insurance until you’re 24, right? Maybe that’s the right age to drive. When you can afford your own fucking insurance. And we know you don’t vote because you couldn’t push Bernie through, and you’re too fucking stupid to know that the superdelegates was waiting to fuck you the entire fucking time, because you don’t listen in class! Because you don’t fucking listen. I want those cars. I want their fucking cars. I want their licenses. Fuck them.

Sean: Let’s take them.

Dick: Even if it’s just in California. I’ll settle for that. Anyway, let me play a song.

Sean: Have Landau file a suit.

Dick: Against all kids. I have become Maddox, destroyer of fun. I’m gonna play – this one’s from Kendollinhide. It’s called My Journalist.

Sean: Yay…

(Dick plays the song)

Dick: This is about Tim Pool.

(Dick ends the song)

Dick: Great. Thank you.

Sean: Catchy.

Dick: Very catchy. I think Tim Pool got Kimball banned from Twitter.

Sean: Oh really?

Dick: Okay, okay, okay, okay. Let’s see. I see Asterios in the chat.

Sean: Oh yeah?

Dick: Yeah, I’m gonna wish him luck. Hey Asterios, you there?

Asterios: (In a noisy environment with terrible audio quality) Yeah, hey, one sec!

Dick: One second.

Sean: Where are you?

Asterios: I’m at the grocery store. I was honestly just listening to the show because I like it.

Dick: Yeah. Hey man, I just wanted to tell oyu good luck.

Asterios: Hello, can you guys hear me?

Dick: Yeah. Hey, I just wanted to tell you good luck.

Asterios: Oh, good luck to you too!

Dick: Sincerely, because this is probably the last time we’ll talk before we’re either invincible or destroyed.

Asterios: Can you believe this crazy – and you know what, here’s the thing though. Unfortunately, it may not even be over on Tuesday.

Dick: What do you mean? Why?

Asterios: Because – I mean…

Dick: Oh, you can’t talk about it.

Asterios: But there are a lot of motions in motion. Like, you know. It’s so funny, this one suit has blown up into a bunch of little tiny ones.

Dick: So they’re not going to decide on ours that day?

Asterios: We – they may. They may not. We don’t know, we gotta find out. And there’s also other pieces of this thing that are still in play, that are not slated for that day, so it’s kinda like.

Dick: Well I’m sorry I talked to you. I thought this would be the end, and now you fucking ruined it with your knowing of things.

Asterios: Sorry buddy.

Dick: Hey, you got anything that makes you a rage today? I know you can’t talk about the lawsuit. You got anything that makes you a rage?

Asterios: Not really. I will say one thing though: No one is talking about how this is pretty much just the tournament of nerds. Have you noticed that? Like, I’m not kidding, I’m at Staples today printing out a giant something on 3-foot by 2-foot poster board to bring to the thing.

Sean: You’re not doing it on company time on company property?

Dick: Yeah. You should be in Weber Sandwich’s basement printing out a sing using their printers. Using a market and research team to put together the perfect slogan.

Asterios: No comment, no comment, no comment, no comment, no comment, no comment, no comment. I think that was all of them. But I’m not kidding, I’m having a – it’s 2-foot by 3-foot, it’s gonna be printed on a Foamcore mat, and I’m bringing it to the thing, and it’s a very important piece of the thing.

Dick: (laughing) It’s gonna be a great Tuesday no matter what!

Asterios: Absolutely, no kidding. A lot of people have reached out, like, “Oh, we wanna hang out with you that night and drink with you either way.” I dunno, shoot me a DM or email me or something. One of us will figure it out.

Dick: Yah. You’re an attention whore, you’ll get the word out there. We can trust that.

Asterios: Thanks for the insult on the way out. Alright, I’m gonna keep listening to your show, this is going great. Thanks, of course, for all your gun control bullshit.

Dick: Ah, we’re losing you. See you later, by the way.

Sean: Take his car too!

Dick: Yeah! I’m gonna take Asterios’s car too! Show me in the constitution where it says I can’t do that. I mean, clearly Trump will sign anything now. That motherfucker. Trump, that omnibus bill. I almost burned my fucking signed hat.

Sean: Oh geeze!

Dick: Okay. Well, sorry everyone. Never thought that he would do that! My bad! My bad. My bad, I thought I elected a businessman, but it turned out I elected a shill. My bad, sorry.

Sean: Well, what are you gonna do?

Dick: Just write a check for it.

Sean: If they’re not shills before, they become.

Dick: I couldn’t believe that. Trump’s military pandering has got worse than lady ghostbusters. It’s gotten worse than – Trump’s military pandering has gotten worse than every woman-powered entertainment product in the fucking world. It is easily as aggravating. “Oh, we gotta have the military.” Motherfucker, the military has never come to my house and put food on my table! Okay. I don’t need that, I need my 5 grand that you just signed away with this fucking shitibus bill! 1.5 trillion dollars. 200-million Americans. 5 grand a pop. I need my fucking money. I don’t need a strong military, I need my fucking money, you cocksucker! I need my money! You forgot how to pay checks, you prick! You’ve been tweeting too much. You’ve forgotten that most of America doesn’t run on tweets, it runs on fucking money! Sending it to Jordan and Syria doesn’t help me!

Sean: This is true.

Dick: Did you see the cloud act? Is this too political today? It’s so fucking obnoxious.

Sean: I’ve been away from the headlines for the past few days or so.

Dick: Well, in the shitibus bill, was a cloud act supported by Google Facebook and all these people saying that now they have – now it’s enacted or legal that they have to give foreign government entities access to all their data without fighting. Because it was too much of a pain in the ass for them to keep fighting it. They just didn’t – they needed a uniform set of rules. “Ah, we just need a uniform set of rules.” So they just decided to pay senators to sneak in total absovancy of all their data mining sins into a giant 1.3-trillion dollar omnibus package. It’s for our own good though. That’s why it had to be snuck up the back door in silence in the middle of night. The cloud act. Trump gives – talk about the military. “Oh yeah, but all your privacy and data? Fuck you.”

Sean: Let’s all tag and ride along.

Dick: Are you fucking kidding me man? Have the cameras seeped into your brains so you forgot that the things you sign affect your fucking family as well? Did you forget that shit? “I’m never gonna sign one of these again.” Then why did you – that sounds like something that someone says after they cheat on their wife! Baby, never gonna happen again. You fucking did it the first time you motherfucker, get the fuck outta here!

Sean: It probably will happen again.

Dick: It doesn’t matter. You did it once knowing it was wrong! Oh, that fucking cloud act, man. We gotta ditch the internet. I’m gonna make another prediction, because you know, my future of advertising is virtue signaling – jesus fucking Christ. Remember when I said the future of advertising is virtue signaling? And everybody said, “That’s nuts. That’s dumb.” It is already there. Almost instantly happened overnight, and it’s just....

Sean: LIKE A FOX!

Dick: I’m gonna make another prediction. 20 years, 30 years, the internet as we use it now – kids are going to make fun of us for using the internet like we make fun of our parents for watching cable TV.

Sean: Oh, no, I think you’re right.

Dick: They’re gonna be on a totally different other level, and we gotta get there as quickly as possible, because this shit is not fucking working. This paradigm of servers…

Sean: It’s just taking away rights.

Dick: Backbones is not working. I don’t care how much it costs. Like, everybody who’s trying to stump on the blockchain has gotta get in fucking line, and realize that there is more going on than just speculating on bitcoins. We need to replace this backbone shit as quickly as possible. You know what makes me a rage is the women. You know about the women, Sean?

Sean: The women?

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: The female gender?

Dick: Yeah. They cannot – they cannot – they cannot – they cannot…

Sean: 80’s girl – I felt 80’s girl’s eye roll.

Dick: They cannot say what a man says without adding a little bit of spice onto it. Have you ever experienced this?

Sean: Does this kind of go hand-in-hand with the “as a ___ and a ___?”

Dick: No. It’s like if you asked a woman, they always put attitude on what men say that was not there. Like, if you ask a woman to read the Gettysburg address, because if something – you know – inherent in the mind of women. (80’s girl sighs in the background.) If you ask her to say what was the Gettysburg address, she’d say, “Oh, I remember that, we learned that in history class. It’s uh, like, fourrr scorrre and seven yearrrs ago.” He didn’t say it like that. He head it – completely dry read. It was a completely – try it again. “(Sigh) fourscoreandsevenyearsago.” Again, you’ve added things. You’ve added information. You’ve added information to this.

Sean: Lincoln’s like, “I would sooo rather just tweet this, and be overrr with it.”

Dick: Yeah. “Our four fathers…” He didn’t say that.

Sean: How many fathers?

Dick: Emphasis added, that’s what I’m saying. And they’ll do it to even the little ones.

Sean: Huh. I don’t know if I’ve noticed this on the same level.

Dick: I think you’re in for a rude awakening if you start paying attention to it. I was talking to the little Irishman, and he gives me a “hi uncle.” He was playing video games, you don’t have time to talk to me, you’re playing Mario.

Sean: Dead pan.

Dick: Yeah, just “hi uncle.” 80’s girl says, “It’s so funny the way he greets you. Hi Uncle!” (Like a teenage girl.)

Sean: Oh, I gotcha.

Dick: No, he’s a little boy. You’re fucking besmirching his name when he’s not around to defend himself. He doesn’t even know how to defend himself. Motherfucker doesn’t even understand gun control.

Sean: She put a little stank on it.,

Dick: Put a little stank on it! Put a little anti-uncle stank on it.

Sean: Putting it like, “Oh, this guy…”

Dick: Exactly!

Sean: Instead of just like a dead pan “I’m concentrating.”

Dick: “I’m concentrating on my efforts. I’m concentrating on something here.” That’s what makes me a rage about the woman, I’m saying. I also want to do – let’s see. I’ve also got a lot of problems with the squatty potty.

Sean: Oh really?

Dick: Peach sent me a squatty potty.

Sean: You have one here?

Dick: Yeah, I have one here. You want to give it a run? Have you ever used one?

Sean: No.

Dick: It’s very – I don’t like it at all.

Sean: I would give it a run.

Dick: You gotta give it a run. It’s disturbing, because you have to mount – it’s like a saddle when you get in there. I mean, I’m not a flexible man, because I’m a man. I’m tight. My tendons are tight. They can’t be broken. I’m like Bruce Willis in unbreakable. That guy can’t use a squatty potty. He could bring down crime, but he can’t use a squatty – so you’ve gotta bend yourself in there, and the whole time you’re like staring down at – it’s cold in my bathroom where the squatty potty is, so there’s a lot of like shrinkage going on in there. So you’re like looking down at a baby dick while you’re taking a shit. It’s a very disturbing process, the squatty potty. Perhaps – I dunno if I’m not using it correctly, but it’s honestly like something Jigsaw would come up with. Like you have to stare at your own – and you can’t rest your elbows on anything to do your phone either. So you’re like constantly straining. I dunno. I found it top be very unpleasant. I appreciate the gift from Peach, but I found it to be very unpleasant. Let me see what else I got here. Oh, Sriracha sent in some bits.

Sean: Oh yeah.

Dick: Yeah, you wanna hear those?

Sean: Yeah!

Dick: You know what else I realized? Check this shit out dude: I’m always bemoaning the status of the internet like Google and all these assholes that are the big players on the internet, and YouTube and the censorship therein, right? Because YouTube, once it kills you, you’re dead. That’s it. So the gun guys got kicked off of YouTube.

Sean: Yeah, they went to PornHub.

Dick: They went to fucking PornHub. I think we got a fucking ballgame now.

Sean: No shit.

Dick: Let me read you some statistics.

Sean: I’m sure they’re thrilled to host that shit.

Dick: Dude, I don’t think they care, first of all, because porn is king. I mean porn is never gonna go away.

Sean: I love it!

(Dick laughs)

Sean: You know what I mean. I love that it went to PornHub.

Dick: Listen. Listen to these stats. “Porn. Ah, I love it.”

Sean: Swimming in raw sewage?

Dick and Sean: Ah, I love it!

Dick: Let me see here… I don’t know if you want to hear any more about that cloud act that Trump signed. Enable foreign police to collect and wire tap people’s communications.

Sean: I love it!

Dick: Thanks, Trump.  That’s why I showed up to all your shit, so you should let Saudi Arabia look at all my fucking data. You could let the Scottish police look through all my shit. Thanks man.

Sean: Yeah, great. The same Scottish police who wanna lock up our buddy here?

Dick: Imprisoning American citizens for showing up in the country and being Islamophobic – thanks man.

Sean: I love it!

Dick: Thanks for doing more harm to me than a mannequin. Alec Baldwin wouldn’t have signed it, so now who’s the fucking imposter? Right? Or maybe he would have signed it! At least the question is uncertain!

Sean: Right. We know the answer to the other one.

Dick: The one thing he could have done to turn off supporters! Russia, don’t care. Tax evasion, don’t care. Grabbed a woman’s pussy, don’t care. Talks about women a certain way, don’t care. Racist, don’t care even if it’s true, probably not. Costing me 5 grand, yeah, I’m out. Duh. You guys, you fucking forgot who we are man. I need that money. Me. I need it. I need it. Whoops! Let me see here… PornHub… Where the fuck is my PornHub stats? I got a lot of stats for you this episode, Sean.

Sean: I’m impressed.

Dick: Thanks. So as I was saying, we have a ballgame with PornHub and the YouTube, because everybody says go start your own YouTube, right, where there’s no censorship. But you can’t do that. You get squished. Many people have tried. It’s all kind of a little game. A little secret club that’s never gonna get any bigger. PornHub – the entire porn industry’s net worth is 100-billion dollars. Every year, Hollywood makes 600 movies, and 10 billion in profit. Okay? That’s – imagine the size and the scope of Hollywood, because that’s essentially YouTube.

Sean: Now multiply that by 10. Right, 100-billion dollars?

Dick: Porn makes – no, Hollywood makes 10-billion dollars.

Sean: And porn makes 100-billion?

Dick: That’s their net worth. So that’s the total amount of money that they have. I don’t know how much Hollywood has. Probably no way to know. Porn makes 13,000 films and $15-billion in profit every year.

Sean: Yeah. You can shoot like 4 or 5 films in an afternoon.

Dick: But you can’t make people part with their money, you know what I mean? They’re making 15-fucking-billion, they’re making 150%, it’s more than MLB, it’s more than baseball, it’s more than the NFL and NBA combined. You see what I’m fucking saying here? We have – we’ve had the safest harbor in the world right under our nose the entire time, and it makes me so happy that I want to cry. All PornHub has to do is turn on the streaming, and put a little tag that says “not porn,” and I’m uploading all Dick Show stuff there, I’m streaming on there. I will never use YouTube again because I know for a statistical certainty that everybody who’s on every other platform is also on PornHub already.

Sean: It’s things like this that YouTube would have never seen coming.

Dick: Yeah, never seen coming because it’s run by a bunch of chicks and soyboys and fuck who don’t consider porn a staple of the modern world. And it’s not just for a man, it’s for women too. Looking up their fucking lesbian porn, and their cuckoldry porn, and their whatever other porn that women are into. They’re like chicks accidentally getting their tops knocked off because they like to imagine that’s them, right? Oops, didn’t know that was happening. It’s been right under our fucking noses this entire fucking time!

Sean: It’s so great.

Dick: We don’t need new platforms, we just need to embrace the porn. You know? I feel like Moses. Like, we finally got to the promise land, and it’s been here the whole fucking time in the desert. It’s PornHub! They don’t give a shit!

Sean: They’ve always bene the ostracized ones! The masses support them, but the system says you’re a fucking pariah.

Dick: Yeah. They don’t need to sell us things, we go to them. It’s because we want what they’re selling! Sean! Drugs sell themselves.

Dick: Drugs sell themselves. Sean! It’s beautiful! We’re gonna have – I’m putting this in not safe for women. We’re gonna have a – we’re gonna have the Hollywood shill government, an the fucking porn government in the future. Twitter’s gonna be – we need porn Twitter.

Sean: Twatter.

Dick: Twatter, which already exists. Like, seeing the gun guys almost instantly go to PornHub. Wait a minute, of course! They have the entire infrastructure, and they have a cash reserve the size of – a golden dick the size of the Washington monument that can power free speech forever, because they need it more than anybody else. And they’re scumbags like us.

Sean: I don’t think YouTube knows that it’s done.

Dick: No! And it happened to fucking beta. Every time a technology is disrupted for porn, it give some the biggest fucking hardon. I’m gonna go to porntube and watch other technologies getting fucked by porn, because they fuck it up every fucking time.

Sean: It’s a new fetish category.

Dick: Yeah. Watching all these moron CEOs try to out virtue-signal each other, and porn just comes in and cucks the shit out of them. Wait til VR hits. When VR is a normal part of daily life, do you think one person is going to connect to YouTube or Twitch to watch whatever watered down new age puritanical sanitized dogshit? No, we’re gonna be on PornHub watching VR porn all day, every day. And the entertainment is going to be a fucking – of list on the writer. It will be an afterthought. Like, “I’ve got my VR porn done for the day, now I’m gonna check out a liquor video on PornHub.” Why not come to YouTube? I’m already on PornHub. I’ve already got all my shit connected to PornHub. In fact, they’re giving away VR devices that don’t work on your system. “Well, uh… What about our ad revenue and our initiative and our YouTube Red, and our YouTube TV?” I kinda just want the porn.

Sean: “That’s how we pay for our studios.”

Dick: Yeah! “We’ve got this big studio, empowering women to make content.”

Sean: “Come to YouTube, we still have Maddox!”

Dick: I’m going PornHub all the way. I don’t know how I can stream on it.

Sean: I fully support this.

Dick: That’s great. Because they’re good people. They’re honest people. Porn people never lie to you, unless you’re a young, hot woman.

Sean: Yeah, but they’re not… You know…. You gotta lie to somebody.

Dick: Nothing has made me happier than that. Porn will save us.

Sean: Yeah. I heard this 3 or 4 days ago and thought, “holy shit.” My first thought was, “Oh, they’ll be glad to do it!”

Dick: Yeah! They don’t even care!

Sean: Yeah. I thought it’s good to have a nice, safe harbor.

Dick: And I was on there looking how to stream on PornHub so I could move the whole streaming thing over there, and it said there’s a premium membership, it’s like $10 a month or something. I almost bought it right then. Never once have I ever considered subscribing to YouTube, because I don’t fucking care about anything on there. Sriracha has a – Sriracha has Alternative Futures, because Tuesday is – I thought will be the big decision, but maybe it won’t be. So here’s a… Here’s her bits on in case Maddox wins, and in case Maddox loses. Which one do you want to hear first? Probably the win?

Sean: Let’s clarify too. If he wins, that means the thing is gonna go to trial?

Dick: It’s gonna go to discovery at least, which is gonna cost everybody a fortune.

Sean: That’s the win, yeah. Okay, so this is the scenario if Maddox wins?

Dick: Yeah, let’s see what she’s got to say.

Sean: Parentheses.

Dick: Apostrophe. If Maddox wins, apostrophe.

 “Good morning, this is Heather reporting live from Manhattan court circuit 7, where presiding justice has just reached a verdict on the pending lolsuit. In an unprecedented motion, plaintiff Maddox has been awarded 180-million dollars in what’s being called the “Feels not Reals doctrine” by legal professionals. Defendant Masterson was ordered to pay $80-million in damages, and was ordered by the court to begin accepting Madbux in his online store in lieu of Dickels. Plaintiff’s girlfriend, a beautiful African American model, was also awarded $1,500 in damages, the equivalent of 1.4-million trade shows that she was forced to miss thanks to the PTSD caused by being called ugly on Twitter. Defendant Kokkinos was ordered by the court to pay $100-million in damages to the plaintiff, as well as re-subscribe to the plaintiff’s YouTube channel, and call it, “cool as shit.” In addition, plaintiff’s attorney, Dogbite Landcow, was also awarded the maximum sanctions in the amount of 10,000 bits of kibble and reasonable (?) of 7,500 belly rubs. In other news, a wave of lawsuits have been filed in light of the current verdict. In particular, nuclear talks with North Korea have been put on hiatus as president Trump peruses litigation against Twitter user, @HgF74249624113, who tweeted “ur mum gay” at the commander in chief earlier this week. This has been Heather S., reporting live from 4 Tims Square. Back to you, Dick.”

Dick: No shit, that’s what’ll happen, right? Just endless lawsuits. Something – I’ll talk about that later. So this is what happens if Maddox loses, as he should.

“Good afternoon, this is Heather reporting live from Manhattan court circuit 7, where presiding justice has just reached a verdict on the pending lolsuit. In an unprecedented motion, plaintiff’s Maddox’s claims were dismissed on all counts in what’s being called the “regular-ass Tuesday” by legal professionals. After informing the plaintiff’s council that he was indeed barking up the wrong tree, presiding justice legally declared the plaintiff to be a cuckold. Defendants were awarded sanctions in the amount of 45-billion madbux, or approximately $15.64. Defendants were also granted sanctions, and were awarded possession of Mr. Dogbite Landau’s Lexus in lieu of monetary compensation.”

Sean: It’s got very low mileage. Can’t drive it, you know.

(Dick laughs)

“When asked for comments, Landau replied, “Fuck you, it’s not like I can use it anyway,” and elected to lick his genitals. In other news, LA county police have seized Mr. Maddox’s home in light of the current verdict to transform it into the world’s first museum of cuckoldry. However, this story does have a happy ending for plaintiffs. Insiders confirmed that, after the loss of the case, plaintiffs plan to return to Utah to film their new Three’s Company spin-off show, Me, Jess, and the Bull. This has been Heather S., reporting live from 4 Tims Square. Back to you, Dick.”

Dick: (laughs) 4 Tims Square. The museum of cuckoldry. I guess it starts with Joseph.

Sean: Yes.

Dick: Yeah. I wonder what Nick Rackets thinks about that. He’s a bible scholar. The original cuck, right? Oh, very good. Let me see here… Prostitutions were banned… I can’t talk about it anymore. Porn sites get more visitors every month than Netflix, Twitter, and Amazon combined. Xvideo, which is a PornHub property, on its own is bigger than Dropbox, CNN, the New York Times combined. Mindgeek, who owns PornHub, Brazzers… Is it [Br-ah-zers] or [Br-oz-ers,] I dunno. YouPorn and Reality Kings, who make great content, tremendous content, Reality Kings. Brazzers is not my thing. Brazzers is not my thing. Reality Kings is absolutely wonderful, as is Score Land, just if people were looking for tips, is one of the top 3 bandwidth consuming companies in the world, the other two being Google and Netflix. Oh man, Google and Netflix, you fucked up. You fucked up big time. We’re gonna weaponize that porn like you’ve never fucking seen. Fuck you.

Sean: Got guns and porn.

Dick: Yeah. You guys fucked up by putting the two biggest most committed powerhouses together at last.

Sean: We just made another Reece’s Peanut Butter Cup.

Dick: Yeah. See, we had the guns. Guns had to beg to be on your shit. You teamed them up with porn all by yourself, you dumb motherfuckers. Mama mia. Alright, let me see here. You know what, I’m gonna play a song while we wait. This is Myroom Records, who has an album for sale right now called Too Small of an Album. Have you listened to it yet? Have you gone and downloaded it yet?

Sean: I have not yet.

Dick: MyroomRecords.com/thedickshow, I think it is. It’s called too small of an album. You can buy it right now wherever you get albums. He put this one together last time he was on. I fucked up because I was so drunk and… delirious from St. Patrick’s Day, and so relieved that I didn’t wake up with the worst hangover in the world. I forgot it wasn’t Myroom Records who recorded the 20-million song, it was Savestate Corrupted. I realized it right after, I felt terrible. I love that song, I listen to is so many times, I can see his little icon, his little daft punk little icon, but I mixed them up at the time. So, to compensate for my screw up, Myroom Records recorded an acoustic 20-million song too, so I’m technically correct either way, if I say whoever sang it, technically correct. Thank you.

Sean: Having your back there.

(Dick starts the song.)

(The song ends)

Dick: Good, good, good. There we go, Myroom Records with That One Acoustic 20-Million Song, which of course, I was correct that he did. Savestate Corrupted also wrote one. Also wrote an incredible acoustic 10-million song, as we all know, and I knew at the time. Alright, no Dankula, he’s going on a date with the missus. That’s fine.

Sean: It happens.

Dick: That’s what life’s for, fuck it. You know? He’s big time now. Talking to Alex Jones. I’m no Alex Jones. It’s a Sunday show, I inconvenience everyone all the time, making them work on the lord’s day. It’s too bad, but we talked about his - we talked a little bit about his verdict on the bonus episode.

Sean: Yeah, we did.

Dick: I wanted to get a blow-by-blow of court, but we’ll have to wait on that I guess.

Sean: We’ll get it. I’m, sure we’ll get it.

Dick: From what I – I’m sure plenty of people have already done commentary on it. Jonathan Pie, do you know him?

Sean: Ricky Gervais.

Dick: Ricky Gervais, yeah. It’s very crazy the number of people who have come out for him. What I want to know is why aren’t they supporting him on Patreon. Guys like Ricky Gervais who could toss in a grand or 2 like it’s nothing.

Sean: Would we know if he had?

Dick: Oh, he should be tweeting about it, I think. It’s one thing to be a big superstar and say, “I disagree with this.” It’s another thing to throw in a buck, 2 cucks, 2 grand and then just tweet,” Hey, I just subscribed to this guy on Patreon.”

Sean: What if he just put in a little bit anonymously?

Dick: But I want it non-anonymously. You need that now.

Sean: I guess so. I guess everything has to have a name attached to it.

Dick: But it does. It absolutely does, because these motherfuckers come out and say that now free speech is like a right wing – they’re trying to re-brand free speech as a right wing obsession.

Sean: You know what, that’s true. It’s despicable.

Dick: It is despicable. Alright, here, let’s see here. Let me get to some advice. This is from Slick. “Hey Dick, don’t take the time, trouble or embarrassment of installing a tiny step stool in your bathroom. There’s no way the human race has been shitting wrong for hundreds of years. Even if we have, it doesn’t seem to have affected out health all that much. If you’re really that curious whether or not this thing will change your life forever, next time just lean forward a bit. Love the show, really looking forward to episode 108. I can’t believe it’s already been 94.” That guy’s taking a shit on the squatty potty. Let’s see here, what else do I got?... Carl Man says, “Is Peach sure it isn’t her huge cans throwing her off balance? She might want to get that checked out.” Yeah, maybe.

Sean: She just keeps falling over.

Dick: Liam Bale says, “Peach said her doctor told her to increase her sodium intake to increase blood pressure. There’s no evidence to support this.”

Sean: Is that right?

Dick: That’s what this guy says. “In fact, it is shown that reducing salt can lead to increased blood pressure. If she wants to increase her blood pressure, she would be better to increase her cholesterol. Eating more eggs is a great way to do that. Here’s a video that has more information.” It’s on YouTube, not on PornHub, so I’m not gonna click on it. “Great show, I need advice. I currently have a revolving door of 3-4 chicks.” Jesus Christ, 3-4 chicks. 2 is plenty Revolving door of 4?

Sean: How do you manage?

Dick: Yeah. Do you have a secretary for all these chicks?

Sean: That would be so much work.

Dick: This guy’s Google Calendar game must be on point, because that is – you’re talking about – this is a Four’s Company logistical nightmare going on here. A revolving door of 3-4 chicks. No way. Maybe once. Maybe…

Sean: What’s the advice he wants?

Dick: “While that can be a headache, it’s not so bad.” That could be said for any number of chicks. “The issue I run into is the post-blowjob. Getting them there isn’t hard. Tell them that they’re important or that you love them, blah, blah, blah. After the deed is done, I don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t want to kiss someone who’s had my pre cum in their mouth, nor do I want to lay with someone who’s had my spooge on her.” Sounds like a Patrick Bateman kind of American Psycho situation. I don’t wanna kiss someone who’s swallowed my jizz. Oh boy. “After they clean up, I still find it be be gross and never know what to say. Uh, thanks? Or wow, you’re great, or I love you, followed by me waiting on things to be less awkward before I reach for my phone or check the time and fuck around. Is there a method of post-BJ communication, or is it supposed to make me feel bad for them doing the work without any reciprocation by default, resulting in me lying about how much I like the, Let me know. While I love Blow G’s, the after-feeling just makes me with I could take care of it myself, and not deal with the awkward bullshit.” -Randall with an R. Alright, Randall with an R, I’m gonna give you some – I’m gonna give you some advice that you might have heard before, but you need to hear it. While what you’re describing would be a lot of men’s fantasies, what you’re actually doing is trying to fill a love hole in your soul with women. With sex acts.

Sean: Oh, Dick getting deep.

Dick: I mean – well you know, because all of society is pushing men to behave and act like this, and then once – it’s the worst joke ever. It’s a cosmic joke where once you get it, you’re like, “Why do I feel bad?”

Sean: It’s hell.

Dick: Yeah. I mean imagine this guy’s life juggling 4 women.

Sean: What life?

Dick: Exactly!

Sean: That would take up all of his time.

Dick: 125% of your time. You need a staff of 4 men to deal with 4 women.

Sean: He has to learn to tune out conversations with 4 women. That’s fucking almost impossible.

Dick: Too many frequencies.

Sean: To pretend like you’re listening, but not be listening at all.

Dick: He’s gotta keep up the threads of multiple – 4 different women’s lives who have more characters in them than a Lord of the Rings trilogy. He’s gotta keep them all separate, and not accidentally cross one over. It’s like – you know? It’s like mixing up Winnie the Pooh with Lord of the Rings. He’s gotta not throw Eeyore into the battle of Gondor, or else they’re gonna freak out, right?

Sean: Work relationships and the…

Dick: Yeah. The clinging. He’s got himself in a hell. In a situation in which I wouldn’t wish anyone. A revolving door of 3-4 chicks. I think you’re – I think that – usually I say to listen to your Dick, but I think your stomach is also a pretty good – every organ has its role in telling you what you’re doing is wrong.

Sean: Every organ has a “guy instinct.” They’ll all tell you.

Dick: Most of the time you listen to your Dick because it doesn’t get the most attention, and it’s the most under-utilized brain that a man has. But sometimes the Dick gets too much of a voice, and he starts throwing his weight around like a big salami in there.

Sean: He becomes a Dick-tator!

Dick: He becomes a Dick-tator. And if your Dick has become a Dick-tator, you need to take it easy. Take a break man, for god sake. We’ve all been there. You know. It gets too easy. Sometimes you get in the zone, you stray – sometimes the ass harvest is good. The ass gods grant upon you a bountiful harvest.

Sean: It is funny how it rains it pours. Laws of attraction, whatever you wanna fucking call it, but it’s like when you’re winning, you just start winning.

Dick: You get on a hot streak, right? And you gotta – sometimes you have to pull back. It’s sad to say, but sometimes you gotta find a medium. I’m not saying it’s one. I’m not saying it’s none or 1, but certainly 3-4. If you think a woman having your cum on her is grossing you out, it might be because you don’t want to be associated with her, and you see her consuming you, and are grossed out by it because, you know, you don’t want that.

Sean: That’s almost Freudian.

Dick: Yeah. Like eating someone’ hair. To some people it’s more disgusting than others. You get your own – if you find your own hair in your food, it’s fine, I’ll eat the food. If you find your wife’s hair in your food, you’re like, “eh, it’s a little bit grosser than my own hair.” If you get a stranger’s hair, you’re like, “This is disgusting.”

Sean: Please don’t curl up, please don’t curl up!

Dick: Don’t curl into a pube. If you’re not gonna eat her hair, then what are you doing? That’s not…

Sean: That’s a pretty good down-home wisdom there.

Dick: Don’t fuck broads if you’re not willing to eat their hair. That’s what I’m saying.

Sean: I think it’s great. It’s great advice!

Dick: We’ve all been there. You’ve all blown – you’ve all gotten sucked off by a chick and she swallows, and she’s like… And you kinda want to get those guys back. “Ugh, I sold those guys out to a she-banshee. I sold those guys down the river to a…”

Sean: We lost some good soldiers out there that day!

Dick: Yeah. And some women, you’re like, “Yeah bitch, you… get those guys in there and get ‘em all around.” And you’re like a demon. A semen demon possessing her, right? But then some broads you’re like, “Oh man, I don’t want that bitch walking around with my dudes in there. My army men in there, acting like she owns them.” Yeah. That’s your… Maybe it’s your Dick talking to you again. I dunno buddy but let me know. Let me know how it goes. You know, you gotta slim the herd down every once in a while. 3-4. Oof. 3-4… Alright, let me see here. I got a present.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah, what do you think about that?

Sean: I think that’s good for you.

Dick: “Hey Dick, here’s another whiskey sampler kit for you. Sent you some of my favorites,” and he lists them here. “Ardberg, Supernova, Four Roses, Al Young, Wood Hat, Bloody Butcher, J.J. Nukem. Good luck with the lolsuit, please have Sean give me an affirmative nod if you read this on air.”

Sean: Here you go.

Dick: There you go. Go fuck yourself, Shelby Durham. Shelby sent some great whiskeys.

Sean: Cool.

Dick: Yeah, they’re very cold. Alright, let’s wrap it and do some voicemails and the Dustin interview. Thank you everybody for listening to The Dick Show. Dick.show. TheDickShow.com. Patreon.com/TheDickShow. I eagerly await whatever Asterios has planned that he can’t tell us about on Tuesday. This episode is coming out today, hopefully we’ll have a resolution in the lolsuit, and the Return of the Jedi – The Revenge of the Jedi can begin. Thanks for listening, C U Next Tuesday. This song is called Africuck. Africuck by Chuck Andvee. This comes to you from Chuck Andvee. You’ve been listening to The Dick Show, and talkin’ up a song.

(Dick Starts the song)

(Dick ends the song)

Dick: Let’s listen to Captain Jackass. I cannot wait.

Sean: Hello Dick, and hello Dickheads.

Captain Jackass: Hello Dick, and hello Dickheads. This is the Facebook group news for the past couple of days. Zack Wenger, without sharing much, may have just put himself as the frontrunner for the best erotic story from a real man ever. Zack, while on 3 hits of acid, was having sex with his roommate before her shift. During the exchange, her ovarian cyst pops, and he had to take her to the emergency room, all the while on 3 hits of acid. Zakk was too high to answer many questions, but we did learn that they gave her a ton of morphine at the hospital, and upon returning home, they elected to give it another shot. The Dick Show’s top gay, Tanner Gregory, raged when his office assistant was tidying up his office, and accidently pulled off some cords. That wouldn’t have been an issue, except that The Dick Show intro began playing through giant speakers, and 30+ people in the office heard the intro. Judgements about Tanner’s sexuality are now almost guaranteed to be confirmed. Lastly, Estain MCClain who unprovoked and admitted to Dickheads that he used to be able to suck his own dick and would do it all the time. More specifically, in the 7^th grade, he would go to the spare bathroom and keep the sink running so that no one would know what he was up to. Estain hasn’t tried doing it since he was 18, and lacked the practice, plus weight gain has hurt him from ever trying it again. I asked him to try it again immediately for the show, and he agreed to, once he put his son to sleep. Instead of his sink running, he was gonna listen to Limp Bizkit, and let the melodies of Fred Durst take him to the promise land. Finally, I asked a question we’ve all been wondering: Spit or swallow? Estain said he would pull off before and finish with his strong hand, just because he isn’t gay. This has been The Dick Show Facebook group news for the last couple days.

Dick: Oh my god. Alright, od you want to hear the excerpts from the interview with Dustin? Apparently Captain Jackass interviewed Dustin about Facebook and Reddit, and specifically about where the hell he’s been, and the Chicago documentary that he had pitched, but then just didn’t happen. You know, when you and I got to Chicago, I thought Dustin would be there because he had asked to stay with us to save money, and I said sure, we’ve got this gigantic place.

Sean: Right, the ISIS training camp.

Dick: The ISIS training camp, and he was a no show. We’ll talk about it later. Here’s the interview. Here’s excerpts of it, it’s a 16 minute interview that you can see on the Captain Jackass website.

Captain Jackass: Let’s move on to the conspiracy that you mentioned twice now. Would you like to elaborate what this conspiracy could possibly be? This Dustin goss?

Dustin: Let’s just say I was given the challenge of coming up with a bit or something to be approved by Reddit in order for me to return to the show.

Captain Jackass: And you got the approval.

Dustin: Here’s the thing, I came up with the idea of creating a Dickumentary. I run and operate a production company on the side. I wanted to do a week-long behind the scenes Dickumentary of the Chicago Road Rage, and what ended up happening is I was told the – somebody involved with The Dick Show behind the scenes that if I got it approved by the Reddit, that it was a go and we could do the Dickumentary. It was my in back to the show. That was my challenge. So I posted it up there, and the response was overwhelming. What had happened was when push came to shove, Dick actually looked at it and said, “I never agreed to this. I never said that this was gonna happen if they give approval.” So somebody spoke on Dick’s behalf…

(Jump cut)

Captain Jackass: So the person who may have sabotaged you was not Dick, was not Sean, it’s none of the…

Sean: Sean doesn’t know what the fuck’s going on.

Captain Jackass: … beloved people that we know on the streams every Sunday.

Dustin: No, no. It’s somebody else that… I would say that most people in the audience would know the name. But they would probably know of the person.

(Jump cut)

Captain Jackass: Well what if that was your way back on the show? You had to fight this guy in a sanctioned boxing match or an unsanctioned street fight. I mean really, I think the ball would be in your court. This is your bit. You can propose a fight. I think that’d be 100% you’re back on the show.

Dustin: What about like a sword fight?

(Jump cut)

Captain Jackass: Dick has been asking guests about what hand they use to masturbate with. Would you care to share that information with us? And also elaborate on your strong versus your weak hand, which one do you use?

Dustin: Strong hand’s right hand, weak hand’s left hand. Normally I use my right hand.

(Jump cut)

Captain Jackass: Ass or tits?

Dustin: As I’ve gotten older, I’ve come around to the holy grail of tail.

Dick: Ass then. Yeah. So that’s the – this is the… As always, things got all fucked up. Dustin pitched the idea of doing a documentary in Chicago. I knew about this documentary idea. Without commenting on it, I knew about the idea. But when it was pitched to Reddit, Dustin said explicitly, “This is not a bit.” And I think that he said “this is not a bit” because he thought that people would shoot it down if he thought approving it would get him back on the show. So already, we’ve got fuckery, right? Now the bit included – was a documentary of all of us in Chicago, and it carried an enormous price tag.

Sean: I don’t doubt it.

Dick: Which I personally don’t think is necessary. Ignoring the merits of the bit, I think an iPhone and a final cut console would bring out the comedy of the show. Like, Kimball did a dickumentary, and it was funny.

Sean: It doesn’t have to be shot in 4K.

Dick: Right, right. But these are the kind of stipulations that went into it, and I was like – yeah, I understand why everyone would like that, but it’s also a problem for me to ask everybody to have private shit on camera, because the only reason those behind the scene documentaries are good is because they’re a fucking shit show. Like, the Metallica one of them as horrible people is interesting because of its destruction of them. You know? And I don’t really feel comfortable asking people to put their personal lives out like that for – or you have just a bunch of comedians taking themselves too seriously, which is death. But I thought we could work that out on the show, right? By the way, I think he’s talking about Diego.

Sean: I think so too.

Dick: Yeah. It’s pretty obvious. And Diego does a fantastic job. Without Diego, no shows would be put together. So let’s be very clear that priority #1 is putting the show together, getting everybody there, getting everybody seated and drunk and happy.

Sean: I’m always – since he’s been on board, I’m always shocked by how many things he’s juggling, and he never seems to lose his shit. Even if he is internally, he never projects that, and it’s…

Dick: Unreal. It’s unreal the amount of bullshit that guy has to deal with. Because first of all it’s the logistics of the show.

Sean: You don’t realize it until you’re kinda part of it. Just take a step back and watch a little bit, and go, “god damn, he really is – he is just going 100 miles an hour all the time, and in 4 different points.

Dick: No. And he’s not gonna be here forever, because he’s already going on the fast track to being a fucking real agent for like huge acts and stuff like this. I know successful people when I see them, and he’s got absolutely nothing that will hold him down, you know? He’s just like pure – it’s like it’s the vision of a younger man that they never seem to have, not realizing that they’re in a place where they have the energy to capitalize on it. And Diego absolutely does. Now that’s said. That’s said. It’s the combination of Diego’s business logistics combining with the shit show of the comedy of this dickumentary bit. Which I would love to talk to, and I’ve told Dustin to call in so we could talk about it! So maybe I should wait for that, because it’s a great idea. Everybody knows I love Dustin! Everybody knows that I love Dustin, and I said – whatever the bit, forget about that, you can stay with – just come to the show. Let’s get the – I don’t know about all this what’s going on with the bit, just come to the show. I found out later that like the reason he didn’t come was that the budget was necessary to get the tickets. It turned into things that I was not aware of that maybe we could have worked something out, you know? But the task was always the bit to get back on the show, because that’s the comedy. You know? That’s the funny part. Let’s see – if you want to do comedy stuff, let’s see it. Everyone’s very – and everyone was very supportive of that dickumentary bit. I still don’t know that I wanted guys like Coach and you to have to say interesting shit, but that’s irrelevant. Good investigating by Captain Jackass. I hope Dustin calls back in. As far as I’m concerned, the approval of that bit gets him back on the show, but I do want to talk about it. Sounds like there’s some beef there. Anyway, this is – let’s just play some voicemails.

Lettuce Jones: Hey Dick, this is Lettuce Jones. I just want to say that you better not talk shit about squatty potty. The squatty potty has changed my fucking life, alright? The western toilet is a scourge on humanity. The toilet originally was – I dunno about this, but I’m pretty sure the first toilet was a squatting toilet, alright. We should all be using toilets like the Japs have. Okay. But we got this western toilet. We’re so fat we can’t squat down, so we have to sit, but it puts unnecessary strain on the colon. This is scientific fact. The squatting is way easier on your colon. It can prevent hemorrhoids, all that shit.

Sean: Just lean forward on your toilet.

Lettuce Jones: Squatting – your shit time is cut in half when you have to shit. I’m telling you, it’s serious Dick. Get a squatty potty.

Dick: Is Lettuce Jones selling squatty potties now? Lettuce Jones is like the Billy Mays of squatty potties.

Lettuce Jones: Get a squatty potty, or I’m un-subscribing.

Dick: The time you shit is cut in half. I didn’t know that was an issue.

Sean: How long are you taking to shit?

Dick: I’m pretty sure the shit happens, and then it’s just me Dicking around on my phone, hoping another shit happens for 70% of the time, you know? Just maybe there’s some more in there is what I’m thinking.

Lettuce Jones: Also Dick, quick question for you. Say if you were to convince 2 hot roommates to get into a threesome by playing Jenga with them, you know what I’m saying? Strip Jenga, but that’s besides the point. And you know, these hot roommates are teaching each other how to suck Dick and doing crazy shit with you, you know what I’m saying. It’s super awesome, and they’re laughing and shit. They’re like :fuck condoms.” You feel me there? Rather stick my Dick in the oven, besides the point. Anyways, they’re all about it, and you fuck ‘em, and you fuck ’em like crazy. You ra-ta-ta and you nut everywhere. And then you have a great time, you wake up in the morning, and they’re like, “Yo, that was great.” And I’m like, “Good thing you guys are on birth control.” And they’re like, “Ah, we’re not on birth control.” Well… Why’d you… Okay? Why didn’t we mention anything about condoms? I know you said fuck condoms, but you should have let me know this before, you know what I’m saying? And then you try to have that laughing joke conversation like, “Ha! What would we do if we were pregnant?” You know what I mean? I put it out there as a joke, and they’re like, “for real. We don’t believe in that.” It’s like, oh, yeah. Good thing there’s plan B, you know. And they’re like, “Oh no, we hear that causes horrible cramps. We don’t wanna take that.” And I’m like, “You know what causes horrible cramps? Childbirth.” You know what I mean? I don’t say that, but I’m thinking it, and my brain’s going crazy. And then you also don’t want them to tell anybody that it happened, and it should totally be a secret between you because you have a girlfriend. You know? What do you do? What do you do with those bitches? You let ‘em off easy, and what do you do if you get 2 bitches pregnant at the same time? I guess you just become a Mormon or something.

Dick: You just don’t worry about it.

Sean: You find an empty elevator shaft.

Dick: Yeah. All these worries and concerns this guy’s having hasn’t happened yet. Maybe only one of them will get pregnant. Why worry about both of them getting pregnant? You know?

Sean: Think you’re that potent?

Dick: Listen. This is not gonna help you sir. Although it might, because maybe you can remember. But what every guy needs to learn is how the woman’s pussy feels when she’s ovulating. This is so fucking important. If you’re gonna play fast and loose with condoms, you need to understand the difference between ovulating and not fucking ovulating. And if it’s feeling like you’ve got some – like she’s got some magic going on down there, take a second, check the oil. Get your fingers out, and give it a little tack text, I like to call it. A tacky test. If you get 3 fingers in there, and you pull out fucking ectoplasm, you need to proceed with extreme caution. Okay? You don’t…

Sean: This is the most graphic Dick Show ever.

Dick: Sean! Because guys don’t know this. They grow up thinking, “Oh, chicks could get pregnant whenever.”

Sean: No, you can’t get pregnant whenever.

Dick: It’s difficult for them to get pregnant, and it’s very specific when they can. It’s not a ramshackle affair that got going on up between their legs in the uterus type area.

Sean: It’s not dog reproduction we’re talking about.

Dick: No. It’s human reproduction. It’s very specific. If you do a little hand test – you do a little 2-finger test, the 2-finger test in there, and you’ve got Spiderman, then you proceed with fucking caution. Don’t leave it down to the 2^nd to last pump to get out of there. You know what I’m saying?

Sean: It’s a little too late.

Dick: You take care of your non-condom business, maybe even put a condom on halfway. Nothing wrong with that. Or if you have more control, you go somewhere else. But you need to get a dog collar and put it around her waste to keep the vagina out of it if you’ve got some fucking spiderwebs on your hands there. I’m talking about the – the vagina lubricant is very viscous and clingy like a slime, I’m saying. Like stringy. This is absolutely a PSA. This is more fucking important than “don’t be domestic abusing.” Thanks a lot cops. How does that help me, the common man? I need to know if you see – if you see some slime, it’s baby making time. Alright? So you fucking watch it. If it’s just wet…

Sean: Then you’re set to jet.

Dick: Then you’re set. It’s just wet, you’re set. If it’s slime, it’s baby making time. Hehehehehehehehehehe! If you’re about to bang 2 broads in this case, playing some strip Jenga, no big deal. Write sexual messages on the Jenga pieces, pull ‘em out, make the chicks do crazy stuff. It’s the future. Chicks are hooking up left and right man. That’s the future of humanity.

Sean: And it looks like you could decorate for Halloween.

Dick: Then… What’s the rhyme? Then you need to watch your peen! You need to wrap your peen. If you reach in and you’ve got Halloween, you need to wrap that peen, kiddo. Or again, blow it somewhere else. You know, any – turn away. Go face the wall, because you don’t want any kind of leakery going around. They’re very reckless, the women. Very reckless with the semen.

Sean: As evidenced by his story.

Dick: As evidenced by the human race. If the first humans had the men mentality for babies, that would have been it. All the women who thought like men, and thought, “this is gonna be a major hinderance to me,” the women who had the man brain, their line stopped, and those genes died. We got the genes of the women that like to play fast and loose. “Maybe it’d be cool to get a little knocked up with my roommate here. With this strange dude who’s playing Jenga who has a girlfriend.” Those are the women we got. So, check for snot.

(Sean laughs)

(Dick laughs like The Count from Sesame Street)

Caller #2: Hey Dick, love the show. I have a similar medical condition to Peach called (something) hypertension. And whenever I would stand up, I would just pass out sometimes, and this past summer I was eating much less processed foods, and my doctor told me to start eating more processed foods, because I need that salt and extra calories, because I just kept passing out. Love the show.”

Dick: So she should be eating more McDonald’s I guess.

Caller #3: Why do pharmacists take so goddamn long to fill a bottle of anything? Some of which, spoiler alert, is pre-measured, already in a bottle, and in a box. All they have to do is print a fucking label. I’m getting some Vicodin for my wife, because she just had to have a tooth pulled. They had to cut her gums open for that shit. I’m a block away from a pharmacy. I go down, “here you go.”

Dick: Can I have some of those Vicodin’s?

Caller #3: Thank you.

Dick: Come back in 4 hours.

Caller #3: Gotta wait, is that okay? It’ll be about an hour. An hour?! Bitch, you better look at that fucking prescription, it says “quantity: 20.” Okay? I can count to 20 a lot faster than an hour, so what the fuck takes so long? Do you have a 1960’s fucking printer? All you gotta do is print out a label, count out 20…

Sean: Do you remember when they wouldn’t even fill them the same day? When we were kids. And they start doing it, then everybody has to start doing it.

Dick: The anti-drug dealers.

Sean: Pharmacies are so much pain.

Caller #3: (Missed a good portion of the message. Thanks, Sean.) … It’s a big fucking rage. See you next Tuesday.

Dick: I need some hydrocodone to continue living today. Here’s my prescription, here’s my $20.

Sean: I’m gonna need your thumb prints. I’m gonna need to cross-reference everything in the computer because it’s a controlled substance.

Dick: This is for your protection.

Sean: Yeah. Even though it still passed the fill only date, another pharmacy – it still hasn’t been 31 calendar days. So, we can’t fill it for another 3 days.

Dick: Uhuh. Because it’s Vicodin. Well, because what the government said. Why do we do this to each other? Just give me a handful. Can I have one while I wait? I have another prescription that says I can have a Vicodin while I wait for your fucking ass to slowpoke over there and count them one at a time like grains of rice. I’ve got like a – I’ve got a prescription to have one like a loaf – like a bowl of bread at an Italian restaurant. My doctor gave me this one for 20, and this for one while I wait, you fucking prick. You sadists. You fucking sadists.

Caller #4: Why is it so easy to pick up on? Hey Dick, It’s Andrew Oregano. People for some reason can’t talk about IQ tests. I can just hear the parenthesis, and I just want to say this has been a really enjoyable episode. Take care.

Dick: He’s talking about the bonus episode. I talk about IQ tests and how stupid it is that we limit out own information, and how the best – you know, realizing it now, the best way to hinder smart people is by limiting information.

Sean: Absolutely.

Dick: Because the smart people, like the Stephen Hawkings of us, who could seduce any woman no matter what.

Sean: No matter what! Literally no matter what! He was unstoppable!

Dick: You know what, he might fuck a bitch beyond the grave. The easiest way to handicap the Stephen Hawkings is by limiting their access to information. Put those in, and an idea comes out, and the idea changes the world.

Sean: They do the right thing with the information.

Dick: Yeah. They’re not using it to be racists. They’re using it to help the everybody. To help people. They can’t help it. It’s almost like…

Sean: It’s bad when feelings get in the way of solving problems.

Dick: Yeah. Not enough of those people got evolved out of the feelings. We had these little societies that evolved to protect the people with the brains who figured out how to survive in the winter for everybody, but then all the people with the loving and the feelings and each other, too many of thm survived was the problem. So now we’ve got a society full of them fucking us over by limiting our information. IQ test shit is really annoying to me, that it’s not stamped on your fucking forehead. So what, my credit score is. Somebody walks in with a 500 credit score, you don’t think they’re getting an adverse effect? At least let them use an IQ test to offset the terrible credit score. Like, “oh yeah, I got a shitty credit and I fucked up my SATs because I was raising myself, because one of my parents was in jail, and the other one was a drug addict, so I got those two scores fucked. But thank got I can use this IQ score to at least prove that…

Sean: Because I am really smart.

Dick: Because I am really smart, but life kinda fucked me over, and my parents fucked me over because they were playing strip Jenga with a guy who’s just trying to knock – go both ways…

Sean: Should have known about the spiderweb test.

Dick: And didn’t know about Dick Masterson’s spiderweb test. At least I got this IQ test that could get me through life, because all my other scores are fucked. Well, okay. Guess I’ll just go play some strip Jenga. It’s all I got.

Sean: Might as well.

Dick: Might as well. Might as fucking well.

Caller #5: I got something that makes me a rage. It’s the utter passiveness of everything that we do in this generation. Every common hobby that everyone has, or at least the ones we like to talk about at the office or the coffee shop, they’re all passive. Spotify, watching Netflix, Amazon Prime, Hulu, everything is just designed to be done in the background. Nobody wants to actively do anything or engage in anything. It’s just impossible to connect with people. They just want to engage in activities and do something interesting.

Sean: Eh, it depends.

Caller #5: And it’s starting to affect the way everything is made. There isn’t anything interesting anymore. All the music is designed to just be played in the background around you.

Dick: That is interesting though.

Caller #5: It’s a pain in the ass because you can’t do it. The music now is terrible.

Sean: I’ve said that for a long time.

Caller #5: These TV shows are all designed to be watched 12 hours at a time.

Sean: Even if the music’s not terrible, it’s just something people do while they’re doing something else now.

Dick: Yeah. That’s unfortunate.

Sean: Yeah, music’s not any kind of event anymore, unless you go to a show.

Caller #5: It’s absolutely horrible. It’s utterly insufferable. Anyway, go fuck yourself.

(Transcriber’s note: This voicemail was made to be played in the background. How’s that for irony?)

Dick: I guess we do have – there’s – once in a while there’s a big art piece movie that comes out. But more and more, it’s just things created to be listened to in the background. Shows are now made to be watched over 12 hours. You can’t be engaged in something for 12 hours. So it’s just made for background garbage. Like… Interesting. I guess we’ll see when PornHub takes over, and it’s just a crossover of – it’s gonna get worse, it’s just gonna be pornographic. Or maybe better! Maybe it’ll be like it should be. Like 22 minutes of an actual sitcom, and then they’ll bang for like 6 hours, and every show will incorporate some sort of pornography into it.  I dunno, maybe he’s right. It feels like he’s right, but I can’t prove it.

Caller #6: Hey, I got a rage for this week too. Sweet smelling air fresheners in public bathrooms. Who the fuck thinks this is a good idea? Like, I don’t want to know what the smell of vanilla mixed with human shit is like. Or like I really don’t care to know what snickerdoodle mixed with piss smells like. Why the fuck is – make it smell like linen or – I don’t fucking know, flowers or some shit. Don’t make it smell like food. The fuck is wrong with restaurant owners. That’s disgusting. See you alter.

Dick: Yeah, I don’t know what would be…

Sean: I know what he means. There are some air fresheners that…

Dick: Why would you mix this with shit, and you’re tricking me into smelling it. If it’s not removing the odor, it’s making it more powerful.

Sean: Yeah. It’s creating a brand-new odor that’s worse than the previous two.

Dick: That I have to smell twice.

Sean: Just to make sure that I have it.

Dick: Yeah. If it’s shit, I’ll just immediately stop smelling it.

Sean: Right, I know what that is.

Dick: I know what shit is, I don’t need to take a second sniff. If it’;s shit in a fucking bubblegum, I need to smell that twice to verify.

Sean: So I finished up a session about a week ago in one end of the building, and I was going into the parking to, walking by another studio that was finishing a session that had finished. Another engineer there was cleaning up his room, and I turned and walked down the hallway, And I was immediately greeted with the smell of dog shit. Like, everybody knows – dog shit has a specific smell when it’s just laid or stepped in. It’s disgusting, and I go, “Oh my god dude, that is…” I’m like, “I know that’s dog shit, and there’s a bathroom down there.” I’m like, “Fuck is something – did something overflow and like human shit is smelling like dog shit? What’s going on? There’s definitely shit – somebody smeared shit all up and down the hallway, I know this.” And I turn around and I go, “Dude,” I’m starting to – I got my hand over my nose, and I’m like, “What the fuck happened in here. Did somebody track shit all over here?” He goes, “Dude, that was lunch. We ordered from some vegan place.” And I kid you not, I’ve had vegan food. Some of it’s pretty good.

Dick: The food smelled like dog shit.

Sean: It still smelled like that 3 or 4 hours later after lunch. This is like in the evening. He goes, “I’ve just gone nose blind to it.” He goes, “I don’t even know what specifically it was, but it smelled exactly like dog shit, and I started gagging and I left.”

Dick: It is weird with vegan stuff how when you see it and taste it and smell it, you’ll be tricked into assuming that it smells or tastes like food, but if you smell it and you can’t see it, you cannot figure out – like, you will place it towards something more disgusting.

Sean: Look, I mean – born and raised in LA, grew up around these fucking people, I have never smelled anything like that. I just want to know what the fuck it was so it never happens again.

Dick: Did I show you the video of my sister trying to give a vegan burger to the boys? And the Irishman has a fucking meltdown.

Sean: Does he really?

Dick: Yeah. It’s just a shot of him sobbing because he got tricked by a hamburger. And he describes the process – I don’t think I have it, but they’re filming him, and he goes, “Well, this hamburger tasted like a mud and dirt ball, so I thought it was the bun, but when the bun was taken away, I found out it was the meat.” It’s so funny.

Sean: Did she actually want to serve that, or was that like, “let’s see what they do.”

Dick: No, it’s not a joke, because there’s some stupid compulsion she has to like vegan these boys up. To whip the meat outta ‘em.

Sean: She’s not vegan, right?

Dick: No. She just wants to like, try it out

Sean: Oh boy.

Dick: Believe me. I had to hammer her for her portion size, I went up there one time, I was hungry after I ate, I was like, “look, do not ever fuck me over with a dinner where I’m hungry afterwards. You can do it to your own family, but let’s throw on apportion and a half when uncle’s coming in. C’mon.”

Sean: Uncle eats food.

Dick: Yeah. Or else I’m eating – I’m getting drunk and I’m eating every drop of popcorn in the house.

Sean: Fair.

Dick and Sean: “It was the MEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAT!”

Dick: Hehehe. Like he’s never encountered… I gotta find that video, it was so funny.

Sean: Oh no, I bet. I bet it was the worst eating experience of his life.

Caller #6: Hey Dick, it’s Maxwell the Silver Hammer calling in for a little update. Not even an update, it’s a rage I guess. I hate internet censorship, but I woke up this morning, and I tried to log into Facebook, and yet again I’m locked out of my account for 30 days for calling someone a faggot. I’m pretty tired of this shit. I’m so fucking pissed. I don’t fucking know why. I just don’t get it. I don’t get why people would be so upset by something that they feel the need – like, go out of their way to block someone. Or not even block someone. I don’t get why they don’t even do that in the first place. Like, why report something if it’s an obvious joke in a meme group about anarcho-capitalism? Who gives a shit what I’m saying.

Dick: Not gonna happen on PornHub.

Caller #6: Along with the fact that I’m already banned form Twitter for life. My account’s gone. Gone for good. I got an email about it a couple days ago that my account has been suspended for good for…

Sean: That’s terminated, right?

Dick: They say suspended.

Caller #6: … Fake journalist, Tim Pool. Fucking faggot Tim Pool. You can’t take some 19-year-old dude making a joke about you, saying he wants to fight you? Are you that fucking sensitive that you can’t take a goddamn joke? What is wrong with you? God, you’re supposed to be a journalist. You’re supposed to have integrity, you’re supposed to have courage. Who fucking cares if some kid says he wants to fight you and rip your arm out of your socket. It’s an obvious joke you fucking pussy. Why report me, you goddamn degenerate. Tim Pool, if you’re listening to this, which you probably are, please kill yourself. Thanks Dick. Sean, go fuck yourself.

Dick: So I think what he got banned for – when I was ripping on Tim Pool, and just calling him out for hypocrisy, just admit that you fucked up a little bit. So Tim Pool took this and posted a poll on his Patreon saying “do you want me to cover this lolsuit story?” And then had 3 options which was like a soft yes, a yes you will regret. It was like, I don’t know about it and you should cover it, I know about it and don’t care, I don’t know about it and don’t care. Great. Way to go. Nice to see you putting the power of your words to the worthwhile pursuit of maintaining your ego. Well done.

Sean: What a Dick. What a Dickhead.

Dick: So Kimball saw that and posted the screenshot on Twitter of that. Of Tim Pool’s little post saying, “do you want me to do this?” in a poll. And he had like 22 people answer the poll. Real fucking – I’m irrelevant. I’ve got 3,500 patrons, motherfucker. Why don’t you suck on that?

Sean: It’s fake.

Dick: They’re all fake.

Sean: So how many are you saying is fake? N-n-n-n-n-o.

Dick: None. So Tim Pool responds to Kimball saying, “That’s my $10 protected content, and I’d appreciate it if you didn’t steal my content.” The value of your Patreon is a poll that Kimball screenshotted and a paragraph? How up your ass – how many beanies have you lost up your ass by lodging your head up there? It’s a fucking screenshot of a poll.

Sean: It’s another case of cranial rectosis! Get the forceps!

Dick: It’s not fucking content. “That’s my $10 protected content.” That’s the value that you’re offering? That’s what they’re getting for their money, is a poll that Kimball devastated by screenshotting it? Come on, man. We were just fucking around with you. Stop – you’re hitting yourself, and not in the classic sense of being forced to hit yourself. Or maybe it is, I don’t know. But how can a person be this oblivious? I think I do have some kind of talent of making morons sperg out and embarrass themselves.

Sean: You’ve always had that talent.

Dick: Destiny announced…

Sean: Didn’t you get – you got like moms to hit you. I mean, yeah, you clearly know how to push buttons.

Dick: That’s a good story. I got a murder of moms – of old moms in Valencia to physically assault me in a parking lot of a California Pizza Kitchen. Like 6 moms. Just talking, Sean.

Sean: I know, it’s amazing.

Dick: I’m like Stephen Hawking, but without the chair. I talk to them, and they – this fucking bitch attacked me. Literally swung her purse and hit me, and then kicked me, and then a woman tried to do a high kick – you know, I’ll tell that story the next bonus episode. (Spoiler alert: he probably won’t.)

Sean: You can’t do that.

Dick: That’s assault, bitch. What are you fucking doing? The Big Red story. Remind me to tell the Big Red story next time. That’s what Kimball got hit for. Young man knocked down in his prime like that. Oh wait, no, I gotta read some things. First of all, this is from Jenna Money. She wants to tell her husband, Derrick Money, “Congratulations on graduating from basic training for air force,” and give him a special congratulatory go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself, Derrick. Pretty nice from his wife. I guess he’s probably far away from home. Not sure if I – what?

Sean: I was gonna make a cheating joke.

Dick: What’s your cheating joke.

Sean: Well, no. Just, how long before she cheats?

Dick: Well I did ask her. She asked me to give her husband in the military a shout out, and I said, “how about some pics for dad over here?”

Sean: Because that’s like a thing that happens, man.

Dick: Yeah, that’s a thing that happens because it happens all the fucking time.

Sean: Yeah. They get involved with somebody who’s in the service, and then he goes away for a while, and then she’s like, “Oh, I don’t really like being involved with a guy in the service because he’s never around.”

Dick: God damn. What a kick in the ass that would be to have to be away from your wife for an extended period like that. Especially as a young man. That’s the worst thing for me about how we get the young people in the military. How we trick the young people to get in the military.

Sean: Cut ‘em down in their prime!

Dick: Yeah. You cut that Dick off in the prime, man. I dunno. Maybe you can Par-lay the military thing for more ass when you get out. I dunno. I dunno. I go back to Stephen Hawking. That guy didn’t need to par-lay shit. Just text. Let’s see here. “He showed me a video once where he read his name.” Oh, and that made him super happy, that’s awesome. I’ll do one of those as soon as the lolsuit’s over.

Sean: They probably have a fucking fantastic relationship, and I’m shitting on it.

Dick: What an asshole.

Sean: Yeah, I know.

Dick: Alan Foster from Not Safe For Human Consumption says, “Every flight I’ve taken the last couple of years, I’ve vaped on all of them. I keep it hidden though, because on the pre-flight announcements…”

Sean: You’re not allowed to do it.

Dick: Yeah. “It’s easy to hide. You just hit your vape, and blow it into the fabric of your jacket, and the cloud gets absorbed.” So this guy, Alan Foster has the robot cock in this fucking captain robot cock here’s cucking on this end, and blowing the other into his fucking jacket.

Sean: All of a sudden it smells like linen.

Dick: “My last flight had a layover in Vegas. I walked down to the designated smoking area, and was told by the bartender that cigarettes and cigars are the only thing allowed to be smoked there.” So not vapes. Maybe you should have light the bartender on fire for being an idiot. He’s the same guy that has the Asterios throw up audio that Asterios said I could play if we won the lolsuit. So there we go. Alan from Not Safe For Human Consumption. I got a lot of Reddit rages here that I wanted to read. Earrotch says, “Neverending ass wipes.” Just keeps going. TeddybearSyrup, “X website would like to send you desktop notifications now.” They’re all getting on that “I wanna bother you” bandwagon. Man, fuck you. If you code that into a site, duck you. I hope you get carpal tunnel, you piece of shit. Every developer that’s putting that shit in there.

Sean: Get fucked.

Dick: “Tom’s Hardware would like to send you updates for hardware all week!” I’m gonna send a carpal tunnel curse on you, friend.

Sean: You know how fucking bad your peg board’s gotten me made fun of on the internet? Tom’s hardware.

Dick: Tom’s Hardware I think is a computer site. Now you’ve really shown your ignorance.

Sean: Whatever.

Dick: Sunny_Psy_op,

“The death of Craigslist personals. It used to be fun to kill time fucking with cavemen and prostitutes on there. I posted a men seeking men ad using my buddy's phone number and watched as he was deluged with text messages so fast that he couldn't respond to a single one before four more would pop up. He was probably sent at least fifty dick pics. I used to like to bait the hookers (and cops pretending to be hookers) into negotiations, asking for services like hanging drywall or painting my windowsills or picking up McDonalds on the way to the meet-up.” That’s very funny. “I even got one particularly aggressive, frisky dude to drive entirely across the state in hopes of hooking up with an underage girl who didn't exist. This shit probably isn't even funny, but I returned to it a few times over the years. It felt like pissing in an ocean of piss.Honestly though it seems like another step forward in the march towards sanitizing the internet. Preventing sex trafficking is worthwhile but it seems like this gives Craigslist and other sites a lot of liability for running what is basically the online equivalent of a bulletin board in a sketchy storefront. First they came for the ethnonationalists! Then they came for the hookers!”

Dick: You know it’s illegal to run a hooker ad right now?

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: On the internet. ChickofDestiny says,

“Weekly rage thread made ten minutes ago. Thank god. I opened Reddit praying it was up.

I didn’t catch the whole livestream of the bonus episode so I was replaying it just now and I have to say, sometimes I don’t just agree with Dick... sometimes I violently agree with Dick. And this whole thing with Babcock (old friend of Dick and Asterios who is now Co-hosting best debate) and his response to Dick’s email filled me with an amount of revulsion and enmity that I wasn’t even prepared to feel. For those who have not listened, Dick asked him if he was aware of Maddox’s lawsuit against him and he responded with a cowardly cop-out justification. “It’s none of my business, but I hope y’all figure it out.” Okay, sure.

I think the older I get, the more repulsed I am by this mindset. I always have been but god I just hate it so much. This act people put on out of a need to appear altruistic in their intentions at all times. And it’s bullshit nearly 100% of the time. If you’re acting out of self-interest, just do it and don’t apologize for it or explain it away. If you’re being a piece of shit and you know it, and do it anyway, then just be a piece of shit. If you don’t give a fuck that your friend has had every inch of his life fucked with, at least not enough to avoid the perpetrator, then just be a shitty friend. You know what? It’s not even the apology that bugs me. Fuck it, apologize for it even. “Sorry not sorry.” But don’t sit there and construct a high horse just because you’re too squeamish to face your own true nature.”

Dick: That’s a fitness model, and a Ms. Bikini universe top finisher I think like 17 times. Beautiful fitness model who’s disgusted by you, Ron Babcock. I just want your balding, saggy titted ass to know that someone who wins awards from how beautiful and regimented towards fitness and dedicated she is to being the best that women and humanity has to offer thinks you are disgusting, and it disgusted by you, because you are a sack of shit. You know, it’s not every day that someone who is inherently successful and good and exemplifies good qualities of humans, like Jamie, Ms. Fitness etc., comes across someone who’s such a spineless reprobate like Ron Babcock, and to voice an opinion such that he fills her with revulsion and disgust is interesting. You know, if you are Rob Babcock, or you feel anything in common with him, you might similarly be disgusting to someone like Jamie. Thought it was an interesting comment. That’s all. Because I am a scumbag! It’s debatable whether my esteem means anything. But a woman like this is the benchmark of our morality. That’s what they do. Alright, see you next Tuesday!