Starring: Dick Masterson, Sean the Audio Engineer, Count Dankula, Nick Rekieta
Transcription by: /u/Kim_Jong-Skill
http://patreon.com/thedickshow
Dick: Started talking about egg salad.
Sean: Yeah.
Dick: (Clears throat)
Sean: Your fault.
(Theme riff)
Dick:Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Welcome to Dick! You need Dick, you want Dick, you love Dick! It’s the only show where everything is a lawsuit! Coming to you live from a concrete bunker in the side of a mountain, deep in the heart of the City of Failure. I am your host, Dick Masterson, the 20 million-dollar man! Joining me, like always, is Sean, the audio engineer.
Sean: Hello Dick.
Dick: Hey, what’s up buddy? God, I feel weird today.
Sean: Yeah?
Dick: I feel real weirded out of it man. 2018 is off to a bad start.
Sean: Yeah?
Dick: I don’t know. Well, yes.
Sean: We were pretty optimistic last week.
Dick: Well, (Dick starts laughing, intensely)
Sean: (Laughing) Took a week to go to total shit, eh?
Dick: (Laughing) Too optimistic.
Sean: Because that egg salad.
Dick: The egg salad that I’m eating?
Sean: Yeah.
Dick: In the morning.
Sean: Yeah.
Dick: While hung over as hell?
Sean: Mhm.
Dick: It’s weird. It’s delicious.
Sean: Mhm.
Dick: Egg salad. But it – it’s bizarre, it’s a part of the many bizarre things that I’m doing already in 2018.
Sean: Gotcha, okay. Let’s talk about – let’s talk about the first week of 2018.
Dick: Ok, uh first, let me give you a recap of what we’re going to be doing today, and then I’ll tell you why 2018 is already so fucked that I want it to be over.
Sean: (Snorts)
Dick: It’s only just begun. Uhm, the Dickheads discovered that we are doing Road Rage Portland on February 24th.
Sean: There wasn’t a secret, was it?
Dick: It was a secret.
Sean: Oh, no.
Dick: It was secret.
Sean: Okay.
Dick: I – I said to Diego, “Look, this is a – I’m very particular about the way I announce things.”
Sean: Mhm.
Dick: Very particular.
Sean: Mhm.
Dick: Every announcement to me is like a baby’s gender reveal party. I need it to be secretive, and meticulously controlled down to the last detail.
Sean: Right.
Dick: So Don’t – don’t – don't – don’t release it in a silly way, where it’s Google-able. Keep it under wraps. But the Dickheads, they found it. I don’t know how they found it, but they found it. What’s that from?
Sean: Run for it, Marty.
Dick: (laughing) They found it. And then you see…
Sean: (interjects) Who do you think?
Dick: Oh man, will I…
Sean: (interjects) The Libyans! The Dickheads! (loudly)
Dick: They found it. Marty, I don’t know how they found where Road Rage Portland is, but they found it. Who? Who, Dick?
Sean: You can’t be our age – If you are our age, and you fail that reference, you should just…
Dick: (interjects) You’re probably a robot.
Sean: Yeah.
Dick: You’re probably some kind of a Black Mirror clone.
Sean: Hmm.
Dick: God dude, Black Mirror is – The new season is so fucking terrible!
Sean: I don’t know what that is.
Dick: Black Mirror?
Sean: No.
Dick: It’s a Twilight Zone for our generation.
Sean: Really?
Dick: Now look, I’m getting ahead of myself…
Sean: (interjects) Yeah, -- yeah – yeah.
Dick: … I want to complain about this. Portland, uhh, February 24th Road Rage is going to be a very special Road Rage. We’re going to be releasing the dickhea – the Dick album. It’s going to be…
Sean: (interjects) Oh really?
Dick: Dick unplugged, Portland.
Sean: Mhmm.
Dick: We’re going to be releasing the album, we’re going to be celebrating that album, and we’re going to be covering it – some of it.
Sean: Mmm.
Dick: You and I. Which, I meant to talk to you about…
Sean: (interjects) Oh.
Dick: Before I said…
Sean: (Interjects) Oh, okay.
Dick: … Before I said this.
Sean: Here we go. So you did not mean to talk to me about it?
Dick: (laughing) We’re going to be covering it at the event.
Sean: I know where this is going.
Dick: It’s a great fucking album, I just recorded the final track last night.
Sean: That’s what you said.
Dick: Yeah, It’s fucking great. It’s great, Lakembra, Sam Glaze, Vistus, Wauterboy, Todd Side, everybody’s got – everybody’s got their finger in the pie of this album.
Sean: Yeah.
Dick: Okay.
Sean: Right, it’s…
Dick: (interjects) Everybody’s.
Sean: Disgusting.
Dick: Yeah, they really – they really ganged up on – they really ran a train on your ears.
Sean: Right.
Dick: On this album.
Sean: Mhm.
Dick: Asterios is on, but that’s – so that’s the problem. U, we’re waiting – we’re waiting for this fucking lolsuit to get resolved because, like, some of us are more reckless in our comedy…
Sean: Mhm.
Dick: Than others.
Sean: Mhm.
Dick: Because some of us think this is a fucking joke.
Sean: Mhm.
Dick: The lolsuit.
Sean: Mhm.
Dick: And are treating it like it’s a fucking joke. An expensive joke!
Sean: Yeah.
Dick: (loudly) A joke to the tune of a Bitcoin…
Sean: Mmm.
Dick: …That it’s costing us!
Swan: Mmm.
Dick: But, a joke nonetheless.
Sean: Mhm.
Dick: Some of us are treating it like that. But some of us don’t.
Sean: Yeah.
Dick: And that’s fine.
Sean: Mhm.
Dick: They have their reasons. So we got to wait until it’s resolved to release a fucking album.
Sean: And there’s just – There’s really no telling when that will be.
Dick: No. There’s now, because the wheels of justice turn slowly…
Sean: (interjects) Yeah.
Dick: But they grind…
Sean: (interjects) Yeah.
Dick: … To a f – to a… with finality. I don’t know how the end of that quote goes.
Sean: Well it’s, if you’re on the – if you’re on the wrong end of it, it’s like being run over by a steamroller.
Dick: Yeah.
Sean: At the end, it’s inevitable going to kill you, but it’s going to take a while.
Dick: It’s going to completely obliterate you.
Sean: Yeah.
Dick: Where everyone, for eternity, are going to – like, aliens are going down, after Maddox dies and, uh, whatever, maddox.xmission.com goes into prostate court, and nobody renews it, and all that content gets deleted, aliens are going to come down and search “Maddox.” You know, like 3000 years from now, somebody’s going to type it in, “Hey, what’s that? That guy Maddox I’m hearing so much about. Uh, Angelina Jolie’s kid, he said he was based on this other satirist.” He’s going to type it in, the only thing that’s going to come up…
Sean: (Interjects, while laughing) Cuckmas Carols.
Dick: Cuckmas Carols, yeah. Is Billboard, and the lawsuit. Just the fucking lawsuit.
Sean: Yeah, yeah.
Dick: Okay, so anyway, we got to wait, we got to wait for the lolsuit to get resolved. I – I think to release a fucking album, but I don’t know, or else we got to tap-dance around the – so I want Asterios to be involved in the thing, because he…
Sean: (interjects) Yeah.
Dick: (sigh) Because I don’t feel good about, you know, just uh, leaving a man behind. Anyway…
Sean: Yeah.
Dick: Uhm, I think – I think Count Dankula’s going to call in…
Sean: (interjects, excited) Good!
Dick: …Today. The guy with the Nazi pug.
Sean: (excited) Yes!
Dick: The guy who’s facing a lolsuit of his own, uh, I think Nick Rekieta’s going to call in, and um, I think Denzel’s going to call in too, but I don’t see him in the chat, so – so this is, dude, uh, 2018 started with a bang in California, the legalization of recreational weed. We need to immediately repeal that.
Sean: (laughing) Yeah?
Dick: That was a big mistake.
Sean: It was a big mistake? Are you just jumping on-board the Sessions train?
Dick: No, I’m jumping – I was – Sessions is jumping on-board my, uh, uh, you-fucking-lied-to-be-about-how-much-of-this-edibles-to-take…
Sean: (Interjects, loudly) Ohhhhhh god!
Dick: …Train.
Sean: Oh yeah!
Dick: We went right after recording on January one.
Sean: Yes.
Dick: When is was, oh man, I was so – I was so excited.
Sean: Mhm.
Dick: I was so excited for this legalization of a vice.
Sean: Hasn’t Coach already been to a store?
Dick: (sigh) Well he always goes to stores.
Sean: No, but I mean that morning.
Dick: Uh, yes.
Sean: Yeah.
Dick: He was texting me while we were doing the show, like, “hey buddy, we got to go check it out, legalization of weed, you got to go, you know, support the cause.”
Sean: Mhm.
Dick: I couldn’t -- I couldn’t have been more excited. Uhm, like when you – when you – when you’re – when you brew – w-w-w-any time you’re involved in something illicit, my Spidey Senses start tingling. But now, this is like – now this is legal! This changes the conversations so much, we don’t have to hide anymore.
Sean: Mhm.
Dick: I can walk in – I can walk in and just swing it around – swing the vice around right in everyone’s face. So I was probably – I was definitely too excited.
Sean: (sigh)
Dick: I embarrassed myself at one store by not realizing that the guy had probably been – it looked like somebody had parked a U-Haul beside of a Chinese laundromat, and was selling- like pretending it was part of the strip mall, like in Raiders of the Lost Ark.
Sean: Hmm.
Dick: When they – When Sallah gets tricked into driving the Jeep into the truck and they close the truck, and it’s the Nazis, and they drive away, you know.
Sean: (interjects) Is that the third one?
Dick: No, that’s – You’re right, that is the third one. It’s goofy.
Sean: Yeah.
Dick: They don’t do that in the first one.
Sean: Yeah, right.
Dick: Uh, but I go into this store, all excited, talking – asking this girl, “how much do I got here, I don’t want to – I want to do something special and silly.”
Sean: Mhm.
Dick: I want to really do this up right, to celebrate the legalization of this thing that should have always been legal.
Sean: Mhm.
Dick: So let me get some – let me get some – let me get some gumdrops over here, let me get some muffins, some banana muffins, whatever you got, give it to me. But, I got to tell you something, I get very paranoid, and I don’t know how much of this to take, so how much should I take? Right? (Loudly) It’s something that you figure it’s easily done! How much of this should I do? So I’m giving you a bunch of liquor, and you say “how much of this should you do,” just take a shot. Not too much.
Sean: Wait and see.
Dick: Wait and see. Take a shot, have a beer, have 3 beers. You’re drinking 10 man, that’s too many beers.
Sean: Yeah, 3 beers is not going to get you into a place where you don’t want to be.
Dick: Yeah, so, I figure – I figure this is – I’m a customer.
Sean: Mhm.
Dick: This is how retail works. You don’t want – you don’t want to send your customer into an existential oblivion!
Sean: Yeah.
Dick: For several hours! Right?
Sean: She should have just said “no edibles for you.”
Dick: No edibles for you.
Sean: No edibles for you.
Dick: But she said “Here you go! Here you go!” and I say it’s 100 on it, what does that mean? She says, “oh, that’s just for fun they put that, it’s 100mg’s. 100mg’s of THC. It’s a design choice of theirs.” I say “how much of this should I take?” “Eh,” this little girl, “I take the whole thing.”
Sean: Yeah.
Dick: “You should probably – you could take the whole thing. No big deal.” And I say, “huh, well, I’m not going to get out-done by a girl.”
Sean: Hmm.
Dick: You better give me like 3 or 4 of these things. You know, like I – I got all day! And I really want to have a good start to the year.
Sean: I want all day. You better have 3 days if you have 3 of them.
Dick: I really want to ring in 2018 with a bang, not make a lot of the same mistakes I made in 2017. I’ve got all day of playing Goldeneye, and Mario Maker, to sit around and do jack shit.
Sean: Mhm.
Dick: Just recorded a spicy podcast episode. I got nothing to do all day. I get them, get back home, get in the car, with Jamie, Jamie Lynn Hughes is here, and she goes, “Well, the package says you should only do 5mg.” I’m like, (laughing) “Oh Jamie, hahaha, c’mon. C’mon. I’ll – how many – how many chicks am I going to listen to today?” You know? You know what I’m saying?
Sean: Right.
Dick: Says it’s not even dusk yet. I’m already getting pushed around.
Sean: Yeah. Quota’s filled.
Dick: Yeah! Give me – I tell you what, cut it – I’ll split the difference. You want me take a sliver, she wanted me to take the whole thing, cut it in half.
Sean: Mhm.
Dick: I’ll take half.
Sean: Mhm.
Dick: I’ll take half.
Sean: Mhm.
Dick: It’s an – it was an inescapable prison of the mind.
Sean: Mhm.
Dick: Inescapable. From which there was no relief.
Sean: Mhm.
Dick: No second of relief.
Sean: For hours.
Dick: For hours, and hours, I mean, I felt like I was in a Black Mirror episode.
Sean: Hmm.
Dick: I mean, I feel like this is what they’re talking about when John Ham locks people in those little silly putty balls, and tortures them for eternity.
Sean: Hmm.
Dick: This is what they’re talking about. This is – this is wrong.
Sean: Mhm.
Dick: We gotta get, we gotta get rid of this. In our excitement – in our excitement to be a libertarian utopia, we forgot about the very real ramifications of this recklessly endangering – I was so – I was so coma – I couldn’t even be pissed at that chick.
Sean: Yeah.
Dick: Like, I wanted to reach for my phone and call them up (laughs) so I can bitch, “See what you did to me!?”
Sean: You’re too high to sit, right? I mean, it’s one of those “I can’t do anything.”
Dick: (Yelling) I couldn’t understand the concept of sitting!
Sean: Yeah.
Dick: I was like, this can’t be! This can’t be right, because it feels like torture!
Sean: I’m going to fall over!
Dick: I’m going to fall over? I’m falling already! How do I stop this falling, I – I have to get on the ground!...
Sean: (Interjects) Yeah, you don’t believe gravity…
Dick: (interjects) There’s – There’s too much truth on the ground! I can’t get down there! I’m going to just stare forward until this goes away! It’s got to be, what could it be, a couple of minutes? 10-15 minutes this could be? Nothing you could – you can’t – I know – I know how drugs – I know how (incoherent rambling) – Vicodin’s – is high – you’re high and then it’s gone! And then It – I-I-I-I-It lasts long enough for you to put on your favorite House DVD, and then you just kind of mellow out. Not so.
Sean: No.
Dick: Lasted forever!
Sean: Yeah.
Dick: Forever!
Sean: Mhm.
Dick: … And it was – It was a nightmare.
Sean: Yeah, yeah.
Dick: It was a fucking nightmare. And that – That chick who – that chick back at the shop that is there, giggling to herself, twirling her hair around…
Sean: Mhm.
Dick: Fiddling with her nose rings… She’s perpetrating this crime, and it is a crime, getting people – taking advantage of people. Getting them so loaded that they can’t move. And that they have to face all the terrible decisions that they’ve made in their life, and think about them for 6 hours.
Sean: Yeah, just like emasculating them into taking way more than they should be taking.
Dick: This ultimate perspective vortex that I did not sign up for, that you should not be able to buy for 6 dollars.
Sean: What was the weed in it? What was it made with?
Dick: Uh, uh, devil’s jizz.
Sean: Oh, okay.
Dick: The devil fucked a fleshlight, and then they solidi – they added some ground-up horse bones to his semens.
Sean: Well that strain will make you paranoid.
Dick: (laught) Yeah. Oh my god, I had no idea what people were talking about this whole time.
Sean: Yeah.
Dick: About being paranoid.
Sean: Well…
Dick: But now it’s – it is – it’s fucked me up for a whole week! I can’t fucking think straight!
Sean: Wow.
Dick: Like, people are talking to me, and my first thought is to gheee!
Sean: Yeah.
Dick: Pull away from them like a golem.
Sean: Got you eating egg salad at 10AM.
Dick: I’m eating egg salad, because I don’t trust anything anymore! I gotta completely restart! Everything in my life! I can’t drive my car anymore!
Sean: Oh no.
Dick: Because that got fucked up way too much.
Sean: Yeah. Right.
Dick: I can’t sleep in my bed, I sleep under my bed now.
Sean: Okay.
Dick: I’m like a Vietnam – I’m like Rambo.
Sean: Yeah. Yeah.
Dick: John Rambo, from the movie Rambo.
Sean: Yeah.
Dick: Also starring Brian Dennehy. Hey, speaking of Dicktation, can we do that thing where we, um, we sit down and watch it? It was horrible, man.
Sean: What, you did that…
Dick: (interjects) The edible! The edible was fucking horrible.
Sean: You did the Dicktation on the edible?
Dick: No, oh god no! It would be unlistenable. I’m not – I’m not one of those guys that thinks it’s like, inherently funny to be drunk. I fuck – I really fucking hate that…
Sean: (interjects) I know. I do too.
Dick: It makes me so angry…
Sean: (interjects) Because if you watch it sober, it’s never funny.
Dick: And what is like – why do you think that? What magical qualities do you give to give to drugs, that you think you’re more – I heard this – uh…
Sean: It’s bullshit.
Dick: I heard some docu-commentary track on Jaws, and they were saying that Peter Quint, who is that? Who played that dude?
Sean: Uh, Quint? Uh, uh, uh, Robert Shaw.
Dick: Robert Shaw. They said that Robert Shaw insisted on doing that scene drunk, for like, his artistic process.
Sean: Did any – I heard that.
Dick: (interjects) No, he did it drunk, and it was so bad, that they had to trick him into doing re-shoots of it…
Sean: (interjects) Really?
Dick: And then spliced it toge – he wouldn’t do the whole thing sober.
Sean: Really?
Dick: So they trick him into doing re-shoots of certain parts, and then they spliced it together – I’ve never been able to watch that movie the same after knowing that…
Sean: (interjects) Oh shit.
Dick: Fuck you man! Like, you’ve got millions of dollars riding on you, and you have this hair up your ass! It’d be so funny to do drunk!
Sean: Well, and he was the one who was always pissed at – he would get, uh, he didn’t think much of Richard Dryfuss, he thought he was just some young, arrogant, like, didn’t take the craft seriously, all this kinda stuff.
Dick: Yeah.
Sean: And then they got real…
Dick: (interjects) Real fucking serious.
Sean: Yeah, they got along better as the film went on, I guess, but that was like, yeah. He was like – he was supposed to be the trained actor, and Richard Dryfuss was just this young fuckup.
Dick: Dude, that chick at the dispensary’s doing that all fucking day to people.
Sean: Yeah.
Dick: Perpetrating this evil on people.
Sean: Hmm.
Dick: So I went to, like, I punched it into the Google, “hey, how much of this should I be doing?” And it sent me to this other site that was basically wishy-washy, like, ehh, it’s called the First-Time Five. That’s what they call it, the First-Time Five. You stick under 5mg. So I say, okay, I would like to learn more. I’d like to know more.
Sean: (interjects) See, It’s going to take an hour or so before you get a – it’s not like you get high in 3 minutes.
Dick: I’d like to know more, so I click on that, fucking interstitial popup installer, I’m like, you gotta be fucking kidding me!
Sean: Yeah:
Dick: This whole thing is set up to fuck you – this whole thing is set up to turn you into an asshole.
Sean: Yeah.
Dick: Oh man, uhm, okay. This is what I was going to say about Black Mirror, you haven’t seen it?
Sean: No.
Dick: Dude, great show.
Sean: Really?
Dick: Great – greatest first two seasons, plus a Christmas episode, maybe ever on TV.
Sean: Really? First two seasons, because that’s impressive, because a lot of peop – you know, come out with a bang, and it’s like the second season, you’re like “what the fuck happened?”
Dick: It’s like, uhh, so the first two seasons are a couple episodes a piece. 3 or 4 episodes a piece.
Sean: Are they real long, is it like Sherlock?
Dick: I don’t know what Sherlock – Sherlock is like an hour long, I’m assuming?
Sean: They’re like movie length, kind of. Short movie length.
Dick: Okay, these are like a little bit over an hour.
Sean: Okay.
Dick: And the Christmas special though, is like 2 hours long. But it’s several mini-episodes, like cut into – it’s absolutely fucking perfect.
Sean: Hmm.
Dick: Perfect, perfect TV. You’d tell everybody – tell everybody to watch it. Right? I would – I would just go around, “Oh, you gotta watch Black – You gotta watch the Christmas episode, Mad Man is in it.”
Sean: I want to watch it.
Dick: You – Listen to me! Listen to me! Seasons 3 and 4, absolute garbage.
Sean: God, there’s been that many seasons out?!
Dick: Netflix bought it, and just fucked the juice – fucked the blood out of it, until it’s dead.
Sean: Netflix, you’re greenlit! You know, like South Park. Where they pick up the phone – they answer the phone, and it’s like “Netflix, you’re greenlight.”
Dick: Oh, that’s – I don’t watch South Park anymore.
Sean: Yeah.
Dick: Because the Trump stuff.
Sean: Oh really?
Dick: Yeah.
Sean: That offends you?
Dick: I can’t – I can’t take it.
Sean: Yeah.
Dick: Like I don’t understand what the joke is! And then it makes me question everything else they’re doing!
Sean: Oh, boy. Okay.
Dick: I dunno. Uh, dude, they took it – they took Black Mirror, and they made it the – the – I think the worst – maybe the worst show on television. Seasons 3 and 4, it’s like fanfiction – it was – it was like – it was like being on edibles – the first 2 seasons were like being in that ultimate perspective hell, that you cannot escape, but you can turn it off.
Sean: Yeah.
Dick: Then you think about it and talk about it. Seasons 3 and 4 are like shitting all over that memory.
Sean: Hmm.
Dick: Seasons 3 and 4 are like seeing, uhh, pornography – the porn ads of The Simpsons – of your memory of the Black Mirror…
Sean: Hmm.
Dick: … Episodes. They’re so fucking bad. They are, first of all, there’s no more ambiguity anymore.
Sean: Hmm.
Dick: It’s – everyone’s either good or bad.
Sean: Oh. Yeah, that’s lazy.
Dick: It’s lazy…
Sean: (interjects) It’s really lazy.
Dick: (loudly) And it’s totally, the things that they do in the show are not – are just basically magic!
Sean: Hmm.
Dick: Like, they’re just – It’s everyone’s a fucking clone, and it’s like, “Oh, what if you were a clone, and a copy, and a clone of a copy?” They got one, first episode, full of a bunch of fucking celebrities. Like, exactly what happened to The Simpsons.
Sean: Yeah, Y-y-y-y-yeah.
Dick: Fucked to death. Like crammed so many celebrities into it that it bursts.
Sean: Stop writing, and just get big names.
Dick: Celebrities who don’t fucking care that they’re there…
Sean: (interjects) Yeah.
Dick: … by the way.
Sean: Yeah, I knew when I like was George Harrison on The Simpsons, I was like – there’s no reason for George Harrison to be on The Simpsons. Really, I mean it’s – yeah.
Dick: And what do I get out of it?
Sean: Yeah.
Dick: What the fuck do I get out of seeing a celebrity being on The Simpsons? Or in a Black – Nothing! Who is this for?
Sean: Yeah.
Dick: (yelling) Who gives a shit?
Sean: Unless they’re celebrity actors, or something, but if they’re just some celebrities…
Dick: (yelling) I still don’t care! I’m watching people get turned into computers, and I think, well, now I’m thinking about Breaking Bad, great!
Sean: Yeah.
Dick: Now I’m thinking about my man, uh, living on my couch for a month, and not getting a job.
Sean: Yeah.
Dick: Thanks a lot! You really fucking increased my experience of watching this – this cheap fucking show! With crapping celebrities into it! Uhh…
Sean: (interjects) I’m just saying that, if it’s an actor celebrity, then there’s a chance at good acting.
Dick: Yeah, I can’t get over that.
Sean: As opposed to like, Elton John on there or something.
Dick: I’d like to see Elton John on it.
Sean: He was on The Simpsons.
Dick: Elton John was in the, uh – Elton John was in Black Mirror already.
Sean: Oh, he was?
Dick: Yeah, he was in the first episode. He played the pig that the prime minister fucks on TV.
Sean: Wow, I didn’t – I’m in!
Dick: You haven’t seen it?!
Sean: I mean, yeah. Sigh me up!
Dick: It’s I the first fucking episode.
Sean: Elton John playing a pig who gets fucked on TV?
Dick: Yeah. He gets fucked on TV.
Sean: Like, proper fucked?
Dick: Yes.
Sean: Wow.
Dick: That’s the whole thing of this first episode, this guy’s gotta fuck a pig on – except if it was the new writers, the prime minister would fuck the pig, and then he would come out and go like “uh, actually, I’ve been cheating on my wife with – so – with a pig already.”
Sean: Does the pig play piano?
Dick: Yeah.
Sean: Really?
Dick: Mhm.
Sean: Like well?
Dick: He rolls around on it.
Sean: Oh, really. Okay.
Dick:” Yeah, okay. I mean – you’re not a big Breaking Bad fan. Well, for all the people who were… I’m sorry, a Black Mirror fan…
Sean: (Interjects) I just haven’t seen it.
Dick: It’s disappointing.
Sean: I haven’t seen it.
Dick: Watch the first – dude…
Sean: (interjects) No, I’m going to.
Dick: Watch the Christmas episode.
Sean: First?
Dick: Yeah, it’ll fuck up your mind forever.
Sean: Really?
Dick: It’s like Twilight Zone, they’re not connected.
Sean: Oh, really, cool.
Dick: Yeah.
Sean Oh alright. Alright.
Dick: It’ll fuck – because it’s basically about me.
Sean: Oh boy.
Dick: The Christmas episode.
Sean: Eh.
Dick: It’s about this guy…
Sean: Yeah.
Dick: …Who like, watches through other guys eyes, and teaches them how to fuck girls.
Sean: Mhm.
Dick: And then, him and his little audience, like, watch through their eyes.
Sean: Oh.
Dick: It’s very erotic. Very spicy.
Sean: Is it anything like Eating John Malkovich?
Dick: Yeah.
Sean: Ahh.
Dick: Except it’s with computers.
Sean: Ohhh!
Dick: Yeah, see.
Sean: Now I’m in.
Dick: It’s cool.
Sean: See, they fooled – they fooled the, uh, the millennials into watching it because it’s got computers and stuff.
Dick: It’s great, though.
Sean: Yeah.
Dick: Uh, let’s see here. Here’s something else that makes me a rage.
Sean: J-j-Jamie’s running out of the room right now to get on a computer. I’m watching.
Dick: And what?
Sean: It’s just because we’re – you know – she got made fun of for being a millennial.
Dick: Oh yeah. Yeah. Uh, let me see here.
Sean: A couple times…
Dick: I could spend – I could spend a whole fucking episode breaking apart how much I hate the new Black Mirror.
Sean: That’s disappointing that they want…
Dick: (yelling) Because they
Sean: … It’s not…
Dick: (still yelling) They twisted – They twist it at the end, so it’s every single episode, they twist it at the end so it’s stupid.
Sean: Oh. The new ones?
Dick: Yeah. Like, they have one where, like, people’s memories can be sucked out of their heads, so this woman’s gotta – increasingly set of desperate murders to hide something that she didn’t do in the first place…
Sean: Oh.
Dick: … killing people, right? So she – finally, the question is: does she kill a baby or not?
Sean: Right.
Dick: Because the baby saw it, it’s like, “well fuck, this is what I’m reduced to? I gotta kill this baby to get away with something I didn’t even do?” That’s the question!
Sean: Mhm.
Dick: It’s a good question!
Sean: Mhm.
Dick: It’s a good – It’s a good question, because you gotta think about that.
Sean: Mhm.
Dick: Like, fuck, would I do that?
Sean: Mhm.
Dick: Yeah, probably. Yeah. So, so – so she does it, the it turns out – it turns out that a cop comes in, and for no reason goes, “well, the baby was blind. And there was a guinea pig. And now she’s definitely going to be guilty because we found a guinea pig.” It’s like, what the fuck are you talking about? What does a guinea pig – why does this technology work on guinea pigs now?
Sean: Hmm.
Dick: What if the guinea pig’s not looking at the murder? So what was the lesson here? Don’t – there’s a very explicit moral lesson here now: Don’t kill the kid to save yourself. Oh, thanks!
Sean: Mhm.
Dick: Thanks for ruing – thanks for totally not getting the point of your own fucking show! That there is no – that – that there is no right answer! As technology increases faster than out conception of morality, we can’t accept it fast enough! And then it will happen in our lifetimes, and is happening in our lifetimes! And you fucked if up!
Sean: The “is no right answer” is interesting. That’s actually, uh, it’s something that they teach in the armed forces that they give you scenarios and stuff. I was talking to a guy in the Army for, uh and there’s two – it’s just, there’s these mental exercises that it just gets you to make a choice. And it’s like, what’s the right choice? Uh, I can’t remember the exact scenarios. Maybe something – maybe Andrew from Oregon can call in to talk about that.
Dick: Let me see if he’s on. Call Andrew if you know what he’s talking about.
Sean: I don’t want to derail it, it’s just like, where it was giving me these scenarios, and I was like, well fuck, those suck, ya know, it’s like what’s the right answer? He’s like, “there is no right answer.”
Dick: You know, have you ever, uh, um, you know, because you don’t like self-driving cars because they have – they gotta make a choice. Like, oh, so if a self-driving car sees a – a dude in the road, or a dog, like, what’s the programming going to tell it what to do?
Sean: Yeah.
Dick: Obviously run over the dog.
Sean: Of course.
Dick: Right?
Sean: Yeah.
Dick: So there’s this really – there’s this test that you can take, that is like a series of increasingly confusing situations where, it’s like…
Sean: (interjects) Do you remember out old roommate was great at that?
Dick: Oh, the tw…
Sean: (interjects) No, after.
Dick: Oh, yeah.
Sean: Yeah, after.
Dick: Ah, goofball.
Sean: Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was great. It’s like, holy fuck, how do you come up with – like, you’re like an evil genius, it’s like the worst choice ever!
Dick: Yeah. Uh, it’s – that test is really funny. Coach sent it to me, and it’s like the choice is between… you know, do you – it’s the dog or the person, and then it’s like, “okay, what about a person in the street, and then a person on the sidewalk.”
Sean: Mhm.
Dick: And it’s like, well you gotta say, like, either…
Sean: (interjects) The person in the street! I’m supposed to be in the street, they’re not.
Dick: Right.
Sean: The person on the sidewalk’s minding their own business.
Dick: Right, and then it’s like, uh – and then it’s like increasingly weird questions like, “okay, you can either kill – you have to avoid an obstacle…
Sean: Mhm.
Dick: But, now, the car has to make the choice between killing the person on the sidewalk, and the person in the car.” And I’m like, oh fuck!
Sean: What, and the other car?
Sean: No, in you. The car’s gotta choose to kill the person it’s carrying around, or a person on the sidewalk minding their own business…
Sean: Oh!
Dick: …because of another accident.
Sean: Yeah, yeah, yeah! So the person, right. Gotcha. So you’re dying or they’re dying.
Dick: Yeah, but it’s your car that has to pick this, you’re doing this. It’s a very interesting test.
Sean: Yeah.
Dick: Um, and it made it even more interesting, because as I was going through it, I was like, making rules for myself, like okay, this person made a decision to put them in harm’s way.
Sean: Exactly. You knew what you signed up for.
Dick: Yeah, you jumped in the street. But then as it got increasingly difficult, and they would put all these stupid stipulations on here…
Sean: Like, when is it okay to kill yourself?
Dick: Yeah.
Sean: Yeah.
Dick: Which is…
Sean: I mean which is like, when do you…
Dick: Never!
Sean: Right! That’s, yeah.
Dick: Your own car is – your own car, but then it was like, yeah, what if it’s a rental? What if it’s somebody else’s, and I was like, “oh man. This whole thing is fucking me up all day.” That’s all we – that’s…
Sean: Yeah.
Dick: That’s my favorite thing to do.
Sean: Yeah.
Dick: So, it had this thing at the end where it was share – you could share your results, and compare them with someone else. And me and coach got way different results. I was like…
Sean: (interjects) Really?
Dick: Yeah! So much so that I was like, “what the fuck is going on in – what decision making were you using for those, and who the fuck is going to be designing this system? Because I sure as hell hope it’s not you!"
Sean: Wait, I want to take this. I want to take this…
Dick: (interjects) I gotta find it.
Sean: … And I want to see, if you find it, I want to know – I wonder if I’ll be more like you or more like Coach.
Dick: I mean it – it shocked me when I got his answers, and it said his were so different than mine.
Sean: Wow.
Dick: Because that was when I realized – uh, I sure hope this system is open sourced, and I can at least, like, know the choices it’s going to make are, so I can – so I know who to curse at my last 10 seconds of life….
Sean: Wait, give me a level…
Dick: …When I’m taking a shit in a self-driving car just drives into my fucking house, because of a decision Coach made!
Sean: Are there anything where you were like, does it – does it go by, uh, each question, and then you’re like, “whoa, you answered that on that?” Or it was…
Dick: I don’t remember any of them.
Sean: Ah, see, I want an example, so I can…
Dick: Yeah. Uh, well it started factoring in age.
Sean: Oh, okay.
Dick: I think that’s where he started…
Sean: (interjects) They’ve had a – they’ve had a good life.
Dick: Yeah. (laughing)
Sean: Oh, did he start doing that?
Dick: I think so, I expect so, I don’t know. Uh, he might remember it, but he doesn’t – he doesn’t listen to the show since I made fun of him for that invoice.
Sean: Well, you know, everybody’s got their breaking point.
Dick and Sean: (laughing)
Dick: Uhm, let me see here…. (sigh) So let’s start talking about Dicktation.
Sean: Yeah.
Dick: So check this out. We do that thing where we listen to a movie, and the we, uh, talk about it.
Sean: Mhm.
Dick: We do a little commentary track during the movie. And, we usually talk the entire time, so you can listen to them without having to listen to the movie. Just like some dudes that are driving a truck…
Sean: Mhm.
Dick: can listen to it, you know. Not everybody’s going to sit there and watch a fucking movie along with us.
Sean: True, true.
Dick: It’s just like a little mini…
Sean: It’s not that big.
Dick: Yeah. It’s just a mini podcast episode. But they are really fun, because we put it on mute, and put the subtitles on so it’s not too distracting.
Sean: Oh, okay.
Dick: That’s how we do it sean, that’s the magic.
Sean: Gotcha.
Dick: Uh, here’s the – check out this thumbnail for the last one. We did Dread. Coach and I – Coach and I did Dread.
Sean: That movie’s fucking cool.
Dick: Fucking great, where I – I figured out the one problem that it has, and fixed it.
Sean: Really?
Dick: I’ve fixed Dread in this upcoming Dread…
Sean: Okay.
Dick: Dicktation. You didn’t know – you probably didn’t know there was a problem with it, but your brain did.
Sean: Hmm… I’ve only seen it once, and I really liked it. I want to watch it again.
Dick: You should do one of these.
Sean: I would – no, I do, the next one. I want to be in on.
Dick: Okay. There’s the thumbnail. Oh my…
Sean: That’s pretty cool.
Dick: You ever seen a thumbnail that hot?
Sean: That is cool.
Dick: You’re telling me that you’re not turned on by that cartoon, that I’m looking at right now? You, Mr. No Cartoon Pornography.
Sean: I’m not turned on by it, I’m…
Dick: (interjects) You’re not turned on by this cartoon? Right here? That I’m showing you?
Sean: No.
Dick: (angerly) No?! You’re not – you’re not – we’re looking at the same cartoon?!
Sean: I can’t really see it.
Dick: Well – you want me to shove it right in your face?
Sean: Well I can’t see it.
Dick: Get up and look at it. That is – that’s a very hot – a very arousing cartoon. Look at the…
Sean: (interjects) What is going on with Coach’s head?
Dick: …Huge cans. DON’T LOOK AT COACH! LOOK AT THE GIRL!
Sean: The fuck is that?
Dick: That’s just a – It looks like an overweight man…
Sean: It looks like Africa.
Dick: …shoved by a… baton. Look at the woman, I’m saying!
Sean: I am!
Dick: You’re trying – you’re purposely not looking at the woman to not turn yourself on, because it’s a very arousing cartoon.
Sean: Fine, busted.
Dick: You’re telling me no? That’s still a no for you?
Sean: Well I think it’s cool – I don’t get turned on by – by…
Dick: (sigh) oh my god.
Sean: … cartoons.
Dick: What the hell is wrong with your imagination?
Sean: I don’t know, man.
Dick: Well that’s going up soon. Uh, let me see here. Uh, here’s some more things that make me a rage.
Sean: Hm.
Dick: Okay. This one’s from FamilyDuderHodor, it’s that area – that area of my house where my phone is still connected to the Wi-Fi, but it isn’t actually getting a signal anymore. Hey, dipshit phone, if you’re not getting any data anymore, switch to the 4G. Sean, it’s every. single. day. The phone – need – need – needily clinging onto any Wi-Fi…
Sean: Yeah.
Dick: That it passes, like it’s clutching at a life raft, and it’s every – (yelling) every ducking day, as I lock the door, I have to now remember to turn off the Wi-Fi.
Sean: Mhm.
Dick: Because it totally doesn’t work!
Sean: Mhm.
Dick: It’s like, somebody trying to salvage – and I’m like -- (unintelligible sound) like a little Wi-Fi, man in your phone, the the – in that movie with the angry people in your head, that’s going “Hey, just give me another minute, I can make this work! I can make this work! It’s free! It’s free! The Wi-Fi’s free!” (yelling) Shut if off!
Sean: Yeah, it’s not worth it.
Dick: Shit it – shut if down! Stop!
Sean: Yeah.
Dick: Don’t grab every – Don’t switch – don’t switch until you know that I can continue texting and getting emails through you.
Sean: Yeah.
Dick: Do not fuck me! Do not make me the guinea pig! I’m tired of working for computers! I’m tired of being the test case for computers! You work for me! That’s all I’m saying.
Sean: Mhm. I’m with you.
Dick: Every single day!
Sean: Yup. I got one little – it’s not even – The Wi-Fi signal, it’s the tiniest little point at the bottom is light up, and that’s it! And it wants to stay on that fucking network.
Dick: Oh, hey, uh, hey – good – good – good news, Dick. I’m your phone. Good news! I managed to connect to a Sysco 8675ZY… I didn’t need this.
Sean: Yeah.
Dick: Stop – stop connecting to anything. Only… Stop connecting, and the second you can’t connect, abandon it. Abort it. Get the fuck out.
Sean: Mhm.
Dick: Uh, alright, Denzel’s here. Hey, Denzel, what’s going on?
Denzel: Hey, what up man, how you doing?
Dick: Good, how are you? It’s been a while.
Sean: Yeah.
Denzel: Yeah, it’s been a long time. It’s ‘cuz your boy started acting brand new once he started having sex.
(Dick starts laughing)
Sean: Here we go!
Dick: (laughing) What?!
Sean: Here we go!
Dick: (laughing) Say that again. I pick up a new slogan – a new saying from Denzel every time I talk to him.
Sean: Yeah.
Dick: And then I – I repeat it for like a month.
Sean: Yeah.
Dick: Ya boy’s acting brand new.
Sean: Yup.
Dick: Ya boy’s actin’ brand new since he started having sex!
Denzel: Uip!
Dick: Oh, when did that happen?
Denzel: Uh, I mean, uh… Well I started seeing somebody about, like, 3 months ago. Something like that.
Dick: Oh, that’s why you disappeared. You got pussy-whipped.
Denzel: I became that dude…
Dick: Yeah.
Denzel: … Who suddenly, like, starts banging a chick, and then disappears.
Dick: You know what, good for you!
Denzel: because all my friends are like…
Dick: You know, fuck friends.
Denzel: …oh, where did he go? I prefer – I prefer grabbing a beer, cracking open a cold one with the boys.
Sean: I gotta take a break from all this fucking!
(Denzel starts laughing)
Dick: It would always bug me when guys do that, because like…
Sean: (interjects) Gotta unwind with a beer from all this pussy!
(Dick and Denzel are laughing)
Sean: Hard day at the pussy mines.
(Everyone is laughing)
Denzel: See, Sean knows! He knows exactly what’s going on!
Dick: Oh yeah.
Dick: Alright, so how’d you – what’s the cans situation on the girl?
Denzel: Great, fantastic, magnificent.
Sean: No hesitation.
Dick: No hesitation at all. Wow.
Sean: Multiple adjectives.
Dick: It makes me think he’s under-selling it.
Sean: Yeah.
Dick: Uh, nice. Okay, does she know about your shenanigans on this show, and on, uh, your show?
Denzel: Uh, she listened to my show briefly.
Sean: Mhm.
Denzel: Real Nerd Hours
Sean: Does she cry a lot?
Denzel: soundcloud.com/real-nerd-hours. Uh, she was real pissed at some of the stuff I was saying.
Dick: Yeah, like what?
Denzel: Uh, for example – I like, uh, I would talk shit about her cat.
Dick: Yeah.
Denzel: And she really – she’s a big fan of her cat. She didn’t like me talking shit about her cat.
Dick: Okay.
Denzel: Things like that. Small things.
Dick: Could be worse.
Sean: Yeah.
Dick: Alright, well, good for you. No more – no more weird stories the, huh?
Denzel: Oh no, I still have a weird story.
Dick: Okay.
Denzel: Prior to seeing this lady, I did manage to go out on a date, have a nice little…
Dick: (interjects) Hey, do you respect her like your grandma? What were you saying you wanted in a girl? Someone you could respect like your grandma or some shit like that?
Denzel: No, no.
Dick: You don’t do that?
Denzel: Oh, god. Uh, it’s being – being respectful, uh like. Just being respectful.
Dick: Okay.
Denzel: Is what I was getting at.
Dick: Okay. Is she like your grandma in any way?
Denzel: No.
Dick: Okay, alright.
Denzel: I mean, she would have to have a stroke, and then…
Sean: (interjects, loudly) Jesus Christ!
(Denzel starts laughing)
Dick: But she does get some strokes in, you know what I’m talking about?
Sean: Yeah, right. You’re having a stroke.
Dick: Yeah, alright. Okay, so what were you – what were you going to say?
Denzel: So, uh, I, it, I went out on a date – I went out on a date with a lady, prior to seeing who I’m seeing now. Uh, and, she… It was cool, like, she was a cool lady. But we ended up having sex on the first – first night, right. And, uh, some bad – some bad stuff happened.
Dick: Whoa, what did you do – how did you end up having sex on the first night?
Denzel: Uh, because apparently, uh, once, if you’re a normal person, and you talk to people normally, and you can make people laugh…
Dick: Yeah?
Denzel: You can – you can get it in.
Sean: (loudly) Oh, what the fuck do you know about that?!
Dick: (Laughing) You figured that out, did you? You mean you stopped doing all your weird “keepin’ it real” shit? Straight from Denzel! Well, turns out if you talk to people like a normal person, then you can really – you can fuck them right away. Alright, good for you.
Denzel: Oh, thank you, thank you. So (laughing) uhm, so, we – like, you know, we just chatted up, take her out for the go to San Diego date. You go grab a beer at like a brew pub. It’s got food and beer. And if she doesn’t drink beer, then you just leave her there. But… You know, she drinks beer, so…
Sean: Keepin’ it real!
Denzel: … it’s all good!
Dick: The ol’ Denzel, sneaking back in! Yeah, so okay, what happened.
Denzel: So, uh, we’re having sex, and… It’s going pretty well.
Dick: How are you – what are you doing? Are you behind? Are you on your back, she on top? Cowgirl? Are you doing it piledriver, are you doing it doggy style?
Denzel: We’re doing it doggy.
Dick: Alright.
Sean: Wait what?
Dick: Doggy style.
Sean: Oh, alright.
Denzel: Yeah.
Dick: It’s when the woman’s on all fours, and you’re behind her.
Sean: Yeah.
Dick: It’s a new – it’s a new way to have sex.
Sean: Yeah.
Dick: Glad you figured it out.
Sean: Yeah, okay.
Denzel: I made it up, actually. Uh, it’s my technique, ©Denzel, 2017.
Sean: Oh, oh, good.
Denzel: Trademark™.
Sean: Yeah.
Denzel: Registered, uh… So, we’re having sex, and, as soon as I nut, I get this really insane, like, abdominal cramp.
Sean: (loudly) Oh no! He’s got the pains again!
Denzel: So…
Sean: (interjects) I better reach for my fibromyalgia pills!
Dick: How hard were you – how hard were you nut-ting?
(Everyone is laughing)
Sean: (laughing) He got an abdominal cramp!
Dick: You haven’t cum in like 18 months like castaway?
Denzel: No, no, it wasn’t like that.
Sean: He blew her off the end of the bed.
Dick: With jizz. (laughing) Like a fire hose. Like, “hey Denzel, give me a warning when you’re going to cum.” (mimics an explosion sound) (laughing) Okay, so you came so hard that you gave yourself a hernia.
Denzel: So… I’m like hunched over on top of her, for like, a solid 10 or 15 seconds after I nut.
Dick: (bursts into laughter)
Sean: Right!
Denzel: She’s just like, “what the fuck is going on?”
Sean: Yeah, like you lift back up, she’s dead.
Dick: Are you trying to play it off, like, but you’re just so into cuddling with her, on top of her like a corpse, like… She’s like – she’s got – looked like a – was it in Forest Gump’s hauling people out of Vietnam?
Sean: Like he keeps carrying them out, yeah?
Denzel: Oh my god, no, I couldn’t play it off, unfortunately. You know, you know, you know how I deal with pain at this point, it’s like… I’m hunched over…
Dick: Like a little girl, my god.
Denzel: … Trying to – I’m trying to, like, breathe it out, like, I’m like trying to take some breaths, you know what I mean? And I’m like “oh shit.”
Dick: Denzel’s goes in reverse. He blows his load, and he’s like “don’t move, don’t move, don’t move.” And she’s just hunched over there.
Denzel: She’s just like, freaking out a little bit.
Dick: She’s freaking out? Okay.
Denzel: She’s displeased about it.
Dick: Did she get off before that?
Denzel: “The fuck is happening?” And I said, oh, I have a cramp, I have a cramp, I have a cramp. And she’s like “What? You have a cramp?” And I was like, yeah. Uh, abdominal. My abs, like my abs, I’m cramping. She’s like, “oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god!”
Dick: Why is that important? If it’s in your abs.
Denzel: Well, she freaked out.
Dick: Okay.
Denzel: Because she thinks that I’m having chest cramps.
Dick: Oh, she thinks you’re having a heart attack. (Laughing)
Denzel: And so she starts, like, freaking out and starts crying.
Dick: (laughing) I don’t want this motherfucker to die on me!
Sean: God, they always end in tears!
Denzel: Yeah, I just have that effect on people. So she – she’s crying, and like, I eventually get myself off of her, and she – she…
Dick: (interjects) again.
Denzel: She doesn’t… She doesn’t do anything, right? She’s like, she just sits there, and she’s like, crying harder, because she thinks that I’m dying.
Dick: Yeah.
Denzel: And she’s like, not doing anything about it. And I was just like, “no, no, no, no, it’s just my abs, just…” And she just goes on and…
Dick: It’s just because I work out so much.
Sean: Yeah.
Dick: It’s because you made me cum so hard, I blew out an ab – an abacus muscle.
Sean: Yeah. I just did a banana, running low on potassium. I’m fine!
Dick: Then I’ll be right back into traumatizing you, sweetheart. So, keep the oven on.
Denzel: Yes, yeah. Uh, keep it warm for daddy please. Uh, it’s…
Sean: Yeah, hard to play that off cool when you’re doubled over with an ab…
Dick: (laughing) She thinks you’re having a heart attack!
Denzel: It turns out, like, she – she just, I dunno, I eventually got free of the cramp.
Dick: Uhuh.
Denzel: And it was like, super awkward, obviously, because she, had I been having a like heart attack, I would have just been dead.
Dick: Because she would have just been hysterically crying.
Denzel: Yeah, exactly.
Dick: Yeah, you need to start wearing a life alert bracelet during sex, just to reassure her. Again, don’t worry if I’m having a heart attack, the…
Sean: Or like something…
Dick: … EMTs will come.
Sean: Or like something that is posted, uh, before you get on a roller coaster, that says
Dick: (bursts into laughter)
Sean: “Things that might happen,” like if you have – it’s like “when riding Denzel…”
Dick: He might have a heart condition.
Sean: Yeah. Lots of things may happen! So just know this going in, don’t be alarmed!
Denzel: Don’t be alarmed if I get an abdominal cramp.
Sean: Yeah.
Denzel: It’s not the first time it’s happened.
Dick: Fucking Denzel’s like playing a game of Operation. You might move wrong, and there will be an alarm.
Sean: Right.
Dick: But, um, it’s just a game. It’s alright.
Sean: Right.
Dick: So how’d you calm her down?
Denzel: Uh, I didn’t. She just kept crying, she just kept crying. And this was like, around the time when I was shaking that whole realness shit. So, I kinda just let her cry, and then I left.
Dick: Yeah. Did you ask her why she was crying or anything like that?
Denzel: No, I was just like, I tried for maybe a total of 30 seconds to calm her down. And just, like, I’m over it. And I left.
Dick: Has any chick ever cried on you, Sean? First of all, have you ever injured yourself during sex?
Sean: Um… Like some – definitely some near-misses.
Dick: For injuries?
Sean: Yeah.
Dick: Um, what were you doing, when what almost got injured?
Sean: Oh, my dick.
Dick: (laughing) How’d you almost – because she popped off of it, and then tried to drive it down? Yeah.
Sean: Yeah.
Dick: Oh, that’s a taint driver, man
Sean: Yeah.
Dick: Well, because chicks grow up, seeing on Cinemax…
Sean: Yeah.
Dick: Girls bounding around like they’re riding a bull. And you’re like, look, I don’t have that much – I don’t have that much rope to feed you. You’re going to have to prune your movements down to the couple of inches range.
Sean: Oh, you can see, that’s – that’s a potential fucking life altering, uh…
Dick: God, sex is such a fucking nightmare. Because then the more you get into it, the more they start forgetting that, um, they’re not riding a 16-inch cock. That they’ve gotta keep things down to earth.
Sean: Yeah.
Dick: So what happened? Was it so bad that you had to stop?
Sean: Uh, no. I’ve gotten muscle cramps and stuff.
Dick: And just power through it?
Sean: Yeah.
Dick: Yeah.
Sean: Yeah. Try to shift whatever, ya know, into another position.
Dick: Yeah.
Sean: Oh.
Dick: Um… Well, good job Denzel.
Denzel: Thank you.
Dick: I’m glad that you dropped that real shit.
Denzel: Yeah. Whatever, doesn’t matter.
Dick: You want me to give a shout out to your lady friend?
Denzel: No.
Dick: (laughing) Good call. Alright, what makes you a rage? Hey, by the way, did you see the new, uh, the C U Next Tuesday media network that I put together?
Denzel: Oh, let’s see.
Dick: It’s CUNT(dot)media. All the C U Next Tuesday shows are on that.
Denzel: Mhm.
Dick: It’s CUNT(dot)media. Well, don’t look at it now, look at it later.
Denzel: I already pulled it up. Looks good.
Dick: Looks good. Thank you.
Denzel: It’s very, very straightforward.
Dick: You got anything that makes you a rage?
Denzel: Oh boy, uh, as of right now, no. No, I’m good.
Sean: Too much sex.
Denzel: Too much sex. Getting too much pussy. Hahaha. You know what – you know what? I don’t like the cuddling post-sex, don’t like it. Don’t like it, I need my space…. In whose mind is it a good idea, after you get done banging, and everybody’s all uncomfortable and hot and sweaty…
Sean: (interjects) Yeah, I know.
Denzel: Oh, let’s get closer.
Dick: They love that.
Denzel: Let’s get closer together.
Sean: Yeah. It’s a fundamental…
Dick: They’re just trying to make us comfortable.
Sean: It’s a fundamental difference between men and women, I think, when it comes to that. That’s because it’s – Yeah, I – I don’t want you touching me when I’m asleep. I don’t even want you on my side of the bed. I need my space, I need to be – I need air circling around me. Yeah…
Dick: I need a buffer. I don’t just need not to touch you, I need to know that you’re on your own side of the bed.
Sean: Yeah! Oh yeah!
Dick: That you’re fucked off completely. I need – I need a bed where at night, I can turn a crank, and the beds will just separate.
Sean: Yeah.
Dick: So that she’ll try to roll over to get close, and just fall into a nameless oblivion.
Sean: Yup.
Denzel: That’d be perfect.
Dick: And then it’s like, “ha, bitch! You didn’t see that coming, did you?” Hehehe.
Denzel: Ideally, you would just have an apartment next door that you could just go to after you’re done.
Dick: A chasm.
Denzel: Would be way better.
Dick: Alright, Denzel, you’re… Give your show info, details.
Denzel: Ooh, uh, you can follow Real Nerd Hours on Twitter at @xRealNerdHours
Dick: Okay.
Denzel: You can follow me on twitter at @ThatDenzel, make sure you join us on our subreddit at reddit.com/r/realnerdhours, you can listen to the show, episode – episode – episode 53, real humdinger. You should check it out.
Dick: What’s it about?
Denzel: Uh, we talk about Bitcoin and Logan Paul…
Dick: (interjects) Who the fuck is Logan Paul?
Denzel: … and we get into some YouTube antics.
Sean: I know about this and you don’t?
Dick: I don’t know who that – I don’t know who that is.
Denzel: Logan’s some – some vlogger who went to Suicide Forest in Japan, filmed a dead body, and put it up on YouTube.
Sean: Yeah.
Dick: Oh, cool.
Sean: Yeah. Right.
Denzel: Yeah. Yeah.
Sean: He got a little bit of shit for it.
Dick: Got a little bit of shit for filming a dead body?
Sean: A little bit of shit, yeah.
Dick: Whoa boy.
Denzel: I mean, like his audience is mostly children, so it’s not hard to imagine why people would be up in arms about it.
Dick: (laughing) Welcome to the internet. Alright man, have a good one. See ya.
Denzel: Thanks for having me, see you guys.
Sean: See ya. Yeah, this guy. It’s a different Denzel there. He’s a…
Dick: You can hear it.
Sean: You can hear it, yeah!
Dick: You can hear the pussy in his voice.
Sean: Just the – just the plug, the way he gave that, you know, he came out like an old pro, and just gave that plug away like it wasn’t nothing.
Dick: Yeah. Oh, you can hear – guys – guys – guys with no pussy in their voice, no account. Like, eh, I hear – I hear the dryness in your voice.
Sean: Yeah, he’s just like – yeah. It’s cool.
Dick: I got – I got but one problem, and it’s not cramping up after I nut…
Sean: Yeah. Yeah.
Dick: … In my woman.
Sean: Right.
Dick: I don’t care about the life.
Sean: (As if he were an 18th century aristocrat) In my lady.
Dick: I don’t care about calling into this fucking show, fuck you.
Sean: I’m too busy…
Dick: Please.
Sean: I’m too busy nuttin’ in my lady.
Dick: I’m too busy nuttin’ in my lady! What – what are you doing, Denzel? Nuttin’, lady.
Sean: What you eating Denzel?
Dick: Alright, alright, alright, we got Count Dankula back for an update. Let me pop him in here. Sean, you will remember Count Dankula as the man who trained his girlfriend’s pug to do a Nazi salute as a joke.
Sean: Yes.
Dick: Because pugs are so cute.
Sean: Yeah.
Dick: And it’s a horrifying thing to come home, and your boy – your loving boyfriend has played a prank on you.
Sean: Mhm.
Dick: To get your dog to do a little heil Hitler sign.
Sean: Mhm.
Dick: Right? Hilarious. Shows it on YouTube, and together as human beings, we all collectively laugh at the Nazis.
Sean Mhm.
Dick: At this little pug, that in our minds embodies – embodies the horror of – of – their impotence. As a little pug doing it, we say “good, good, I’m glad that this is what Nazi iconography has come to.” A joke.
Sean: Mhm.
Dick: And Scott, Count Dankula, you’re on the line right now, can you hear us?
Count Dankula: Yeah, I can hear you, man.
Dick: Yeah, so then the law gets involved, and says, “dude, you’re going to fucking jail… for that”
Sean: Yeah, I still can’t – I still don’t fully believe it.
Dick: Yeah.
Sean: I mean, I believe it…
Dick: Yeah.
Sean: But it’s kind of – it’s incredible.
Dick: So, last time Count Dankula called in, uh, he hadn’t been to court yet. And dude, you went to court this week, right? A couple days ago?
Count Dankula: Oh, I’ve been in court 7 times for this now.
Dick: Seven fucking times dude, and I thought this was, like, everybody who follows the show was waiting for this one, because they thought, and I thought that this was going to be the big one.
Count Dankula: Oh, I thought that too. We all thought that. (laughing) But they said it’s been fucking delayed again until the 20th of March now.
Sean: (loudly) How long can they do that?!
Dick: Could have delayed it to April 20th, if you know what I’m talking about. Hitler’s birthday.
Count Dankula and Sean: (laughing)
Dick: So it’s delayed again, what the fuck? Yeah, how can they do that?
Count Dankula: Uh, basically the way it works in the UK is that if you’ve ever been charged with a crime, they have to bring you to court within 2 years. If they haven’t brought you to court within 2 years, then the charges just get dropped.
Sean: Yeah.
Count Dankula: But, uh, as soon as they got you in court, they can keep this going for as long as they want.
Dick: Oh fucking shit!
Sean: So it keeps them from, like, being in default?
Count Dankula: Yeah.
Sean: But they can, alright. So if they get you in on time within those 2 years, they can just keep – just towing it along. That’s bullshit.
Dick: Yeah.
Count Dankula: Yeah, there’s – after a certain point, I can get, like, financial compensation at some point or something if it goes on for way too long, but, I would, you know, much rather just have the entire thing end instead of going through this, you know, for years and years to come.
Sean: Well, I would too.
Dick: Well, no shit. Uh, are you getting any financial compensation for just being like a celebrity, and just getting fucked over by the man now?
Count Dankula: Um, well, all the money I’m getting now is what I’m earning from my YouTube.
Dick: Yeah. Which is what?
Count Dankula: Yeah man, I’m just trying to, you know. Just sorta trying to capitalize on this as much as I can, because nowhere will hire me. Nowhere will fucking hire me at all.
Dick: Nobody will hire you?
Sean: Like, everybody’s afraid to just think, and go like “dude, he made a joke! He made a fucking joke. It’s a – it’s a Nazi – It’s a zeig heiling pug! We’re pissed off about a zeig heiling pug!”
Dick: How can Amy Scheumer keep getting money for doing shit, and nobody will hire Count Dankula? I’d watch him read the news, or… something like – what’s your YouTube channel? Hey maybe you – maybe he should be a news babe. He could call in and read the news for this show.
Sean: Yeah!
Dick: We’ll hire you.
Sean: Why not?
Dick: So what if most of the audience can’t understand what the fuck you’re saying, right? That doesn’t matter!
Sean: I’ve never had a problem with – he’s got – he’s got a, you know, an obviously Scottish accent, but I have no trouble hearing it, I don’t think… He speaks clearly to me. You just have to… The vowels are a bit different and things.
Dick: Yeah.
Sean: I dunno. Maybe the listeners think differently, but.
Dick: It’s like a deep Scottish accent too.
Sean: Yeah.
Dick: Reassuring, very sexy, Scottish, you know? Like, it’s the accent you’re afraid of. When they come into America, you’re like, oh, okay. Foreign guy, let’s hear your accent, and you hear Count Dankula, and it’s like, “duck, that’s a sexy ass accent!”
Sean: That is a Nazi accent if I’ve ever heard one.
Count Dankula: (laughing)
Dick: So what’s your YouTube, man? I wanna give out…
Count Dankula: It’s just Count Dankula. Just the same name, uh, you won’t be able to find me through the Nazi pug video anymore, because uh, YouTube removed it.
Dick: (bursts into laughter) Fucked from every angle!
Count Dankula: Yeah man. After being up for nearly 2 years, YouTube suddenly decided it’s a problem.
Sean: Yeah, well…
Count Dankula: They removed the video.
Dick: So now it’s – now it’s just what anybody imagines it might have been. Like, whatever they – so yeah, if they want to think you’re guilty, it’s like, “well, I never saw his video, but I could imagine – I could imagine that it’s not the way people like Dick Masterson are saying.”
Sean: The pug was, yeah. He was trained to turn the gas on the stove without it lighting.
Dick: So, how’s your, um, I saw that you had a video response prepared in case they sentenced you to jail. Right?
Count Dankula: It was just more of like a message, it wasn’t me in the video, it was just sort of like a picture message basically saying, uh, if you can read this, the worst has happened.
Dick: Oh fuck! (laughing)
Count Dankula: But like, obviously, like, uh, the title didn’t finish, so I obviously just started taking that video down, it was scheduled to go up, you know, in case I was in jail, and I couldn’t respond.
Dick: Oh man, I mean, I would love to see that video. I’m sure a lot of other people would love to see what the hell that was…
Count Dankula: (interjects) It was literally just a Kekistan flag waving, with just sad music playing in the background. (laughing) That’s literally all it is!
Dick: It’s like he drops, in the video that he was going to post if he went to jail, he drops the accent and the whole act, and goes, (in a German accent) “well you got me. And I’m actually…
Sean: Yes!
Dick: Actually, I’m a Nazi, and this is,” it’s the pug talking.
Sean: Yeah.
Count Dankula: I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for you pesky Jews!
(Everyone is laughing)
Dick: Oh. Um, god, how’s your, uh, you and your girlfriend are still together, right?
Count Dankula: Oh yeah, we’re still together.
Dick: How’s she taking it? I bet you’ve been getting a lot of attention too, from chicks.
Count Dankula: Oh, she doesn’t – she hates the entire thing. Like, uh, those pictures of me in the press, and like, every time I’m walking to court, I just have like this big shit-eating grin. But she’s next to me, and she just looks fucking furious.
Dick: (laughing) It looks like he’s – like, it looks like they’re just getting out of a pub or something, and Count Dankula’s having the time of his life.
Sean: Not this shit again.
Dick: Uh, even though – even though I think you’re totally innocent, like, illogically, I look at all this stuff and think, “well, you know, this guy hasn’t done anything wrong, the way he smiles makes me think yea, you’re going to jail.”
Sean: You’re enjoying this way too much.
Dick: No, no. This is why all – the whole legal system is just a façade to throw people who are having that much fun into prison.
Sean: Let me ask you a question. Un, you have – you obviously have a lawyer or a team of lawyers?
Count Dankula: There is a lawyer, yeah.
Sean: You have a lawyer? Is there anything, like, in America, you have the ACLU, which…
Dick: Yeah.
Sean: they take a lot of… I’m more of a fan of them than I used to be, because they will take cases that nobody else will. They’ll take the KKK guy, and they will say…
Dick: He deserves a defense.
Sean: He deserves a defense, and what he’s doing – he’s being a racist asshole, but he’s not doing anything illegal, because he has a right to do his – you know, I’m not saying terrorizing people, but, you know, and they’ll do the same thing for the hardcore liberal side.
Dick: Yeah.
Sean: Is there anything – is there any organization like that over in Scotland, or in the rest of the UK?
Dick: Yeah, who’s helping you out?
Sean: Yeah, or do you have to hire your own lawyer, and just hope that he, you know…
Count Dankula: well, the thing that was like, uh, pretty sketchy about the entire thing was, uh he was – he wasn’t like an appointed lawyer, the way it works is, lawyers kind of hang around at the courthouse, hoping to get people who don’t have lawyers.
Dick: Oh yeah.
Count Dankula: Like that – that thing – almost like a taxi…
Sean: (Interjects) Oh yeah! You said this last time, I remember now.
Count Dankula: Yeah, so like, ended up – he was talking to me and said that he knew what he was doing, and he has actually done a very good job so far.
Sean: Mhm.
Count Dankula: But the way it worked is that you can get legal – we don’t have anything over here like the ACLU or anybody to defend free speech, we have no organizations like that…
Sean: Yeah.
Count Dankula: … At all here. At least no, you know, powerful ones. Like, you know, the SCLU kind of have a bad clout to them, but we don’t have anything like that here, but we do have legal aid where, you know, if you earn under a certain amount of money, you can apply and get your legal fees paid for you. The funny thing that happened with mine was, uh, I didn’t have a job, and uh, they wanted proof of my income. And I was like, you know, that’s easy, there fucking is none, right.
Dick: Prove it.
Count Dankula: The thing that happened as well, which uh, they rejected my legal aid, this is the thing that’s funny, my girlfriend got forced to appear as a witness against me. The police basically said, “if you don’t appear on this date as a witness, you’re going to be arrested.” Right. And, uh, the funny thing was, my girlfriend had an account in her name with money in it, which was inheritance from her mother, and she was given this inheritance on the condition that she uses it for a house, right? That was an actual contract she had to sign. Before you get this inheritance, you have to agree that it will be used for a house.
Dick: Yeah.
Count Dankula: Obviously, it makes sure she didn’t piss the money away or anything like that, right.
Dick: Yeah.
Count Dankula: So, I told this to legal aid, that’s not my money, I have no legal right to that money, that’s my girlfriend’s money, and also, she’s contractually obligated to use it for a house. And he said, “well, can you prove that?” We sent the evidence off and proved it, and they declined my application anyway. So they forced my girlfriend to appear as a witness against me in the trial, and expect her to pay my legal fees with her mother’s inheritance.
Dick: I never…
Sean: This sounds like things that somebody tells you…
Dick: It’s a fucking farce!
Sean: This all sounds like things that somebody, who knew someone, whose friend had this happen to them, and you’re like, no no no, there’s gotta be more to this story.
Dick: It sounds like something that would have happened in the 1400’s.
Sean: Yeah, like…
Dick: This is how we really fucked this guy over.
Sean: This can’t be true, is the feeling that I get, but it is!
Dick: (sigh) But every single person involved looks at you with a straight face, and tells you – describes what they’re doing. Well, girlfriend’s gotta come – we’re all taking this very seriously, Count Dankula, in case you’re worried of any kind of, uh, shenanigans happening in this trial, we’re all taking it extremely seriously. So don’t worry about that. Like, fuck you man.
Count Dankula: Some of this stuff is in now, as far as that is happening in the court room, uh, the way that I’ll need to tell this is, I can’t give my opinion on certain things that were said.
Dick: Okay.
Count Dankula: I’m allowed to tell you the facts of things that were said, and then both of you can’t say whatever you want.
Dick: Okay, right.
Count Dankula: Okay then, so…
Dick: (interjects) We have a lot of legal experience on this show, we’re currently being sued for a half a billion dollars, by a guy on the internet. I don’t know if you know that.
Count Dankula: Oh, is that Maddox?
Dick: Yeah.
Count Dankula: I knew that.
Dick: Yeah.
Count Dankula: Yeah.
Dick: So we’re all very familiar with what we’re allowed to say and not say about the law at this point.
Sean: Also, uh, like – the, uh, pug has signed onto the, uh, lawsuit.
Dick: Yeah, Maddox is suing pugs as well.
Sean: Yeah, no I thought it was him and pugs…
Dick: Oh, as plaintiff.
Sean: Yeah, I think so, yeah.
Dick: The anonymous co-plaintiff is a pug.
Sean: Yeah.
Dick: Oh, that’s interesting. Okay, I’m sorry, what were you saying?
Count Dankula: One of the things the prosecutor is trying to do is he tried to, uh, change the charge to a more severe one, so that way it stays in the trial. So instead of being sentenced one year, it would be 5 years.
(Dick laughs like a schoolgirl)
Count Dankula: But the judge refused that.
Dick: What’s wrong with that person? Why would they…
Count Dankula: Yeah.
Dick: What is – what the fuck is wrong with them? Like they went – they woke up that day, and said, “I know that I’m going to do. I know what I need to do today.” Like, I wake up every day, and think, okay, I gotta check emails, and return stuff from the store, and get on Reddit. But this guy woke up and said, “Oh, that guy that’s going to court – maybe going to prison for a year for teaching his girlfriend – his girlfriend’s dog a funny trick, I gotta sent him to jail for 5 years instead.”
Sean: Yeah, he needs to be caught.
Dick: Like, what the fuck? What do you think is going on in these peoples’ minds? Are they embarrassed? Like, that are they using you to do? Because it seems like they’re just kicking your freedom like a can down the street, because that don’t want to admit that they’re wrong, and that this idea of being offended by shit is, in and of itself, stupid. Like, what do you think is going through his mind, man? You probably thought about it a lot more than us.
Count Dankula: I think it’s – I just think it’s a bit concerning that someone who is a prosecutor is a senor fiscal deputy. He’s a senor, and he thinks that a maximum sentence of 5 years for a joke was a good path to go down, that’s extremely concerning.
Dick: Yeah.
Count Dankula: That someone in that position thinks that that was suitable.
Dick: That’s a good fucking point!
Sean: Yeah.
Dick: Because how many people at his level think that then?
Sean: Well, the new thing is activists at very high levels.
Dick: Do you, uh. (sigh) Is this, uh…
Sean: I think we’ve got activists on the supreme court.
Dick: What are you – okay, Count Dankula, what the hell do you think his deal is? What does he want? Why does he want to send you to jail for this? For so long?
Count Dankula: He wants to win. He just wants to win. That’s literally it. I don’t think any kind of morality or any kind of recognition of objective reality comes into play here, I think he’s completely disregarding that here. He doesn’t care about ethics or anything, he just wants to win.
Count Dankula: It’s like an 80’s throwback. Like these asshole hedge fund guys, it doesn’t matter – nothing matters except winning. Except that high of winning. Right?
Sean: Yeah.
Count Dankula: That’s literally it. But there was another thing that I think you’ll enjoy this.
Sean:
Count Dankula: This next one, this is a claim that he made. Again, just stating facts, but, when he made this claim, something kind of funny that happened in the courtroom: when the prosecutor came, he legitimately says that I am actually a Nazi, and that I am actually secretly trying to spread Nazi propaganda. That I am using the pug as a smokescreen to muddy the water, so that it can be – I can go “oh no, it was a joke,” when I am, in fact, secretly trying to spread and encourage Nazi propaganda.\
Sean: It’s satire. The pug’s name is Buddha too.
Dick: I mean the pug also embodies the worst traits of its species, genetically. Like its monstrous – it’s why we love them.
Count Dankula: Pugs are far from a master race.
Sean: Oh, yeah! No, no, no! That’s how they get-cha!
Dick: Yeah, that’s how – the idea of decon – because it’s so ridiculous that I wouldn’t know where to start deconstructing his argument, so that’s where I start. Like, your honor, uh, let me explain why that’s fucked. It’s because if I was a Nazi, I would hate pugs. Does the judge say,” oh, that’s a good point.”
Sean: You said this, and I’m going to state the fucking obvious, but people don’t know this: there is no such thing as a Nazi.
Dick: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sean: There’s no such thing as a – are you backing off that?
Dick: No, no, no!
Sean: National socialist German worker’s party was obliterated in 1945.
Dick: Yeah.
Sean: You can say there’s people who espouse – but words fucking mean something! If you’re going to call someone a Nazi, you can say that they have Nazi values or something like that. There is no fucking such thing as a Nazi, because when you start blurring what – it’s – I don’t know, man.
Dick: Yeah.
Sean: I just – things – things mean something. A word means something. Don’t say this when you mean this. It’s how you start muddying – it’s how you start smoothing out the points in-between, okay.
Dick: In your own head. Like, you’re convincing yourself…
Sean: And I don’t like it.
Dick: It’s like, oh Trump – Trump’s not, uh, conservative enough. Because he’s got, but then you said like, well, yeah, but he is a Nazi. Like, hold on a minute! There’s not a lot of requirements for this other one, I noticed. So I saw you took a picture with Laura Southern, you got some, uh, no hover hand.
Count Dankula: No hover hand there, no. The funny thing is, I showed her that last point that I made, and, because of a – some people obviously made that a point the prosecutor made to be very ridiculous, Lauren Southern’s camera man had to get up and walk out of the court room, because he kept laughing.
Sean: That’s awesome!
Count Dankula: And another funny as well is I don’t know what happened, but I’ve seen a police man running over, in like the public galley where all the public could come in and watch, run over, and I saw him having like a (whistle?) and I found out that later, someone got in trouble, because they were playing with a Rubix Cube in the middle of the trial. I was like, “oh, some of my subscribers are here, obviously.”
Dick: Oh, god. Uh, fuck man. It’s – the whole thing’s so ridiculous. Are they doing this to make you do, like, a plea deal? Do you guys even have that, where they’re like, “look, I’ll just say I did something wrong, do a weekend of community service, and you can leave me the fuck alone.”
Count Dankula: No, we don’t have any plea deals or nothing like that here. You can sometimes get something like that, see if you, you know, say for example, there was an armed robbery with five guys involved, and you catch one of the, they kind of go, “we’ll give you a much less harsh sentence if you rat on your friends.
Sean: They can’t do that?
Count Dankula: What?
Sean: They cannot do that?
Count Dankula: In the UK, oh no, they try and do that. They definitely do.
Sean: Okay, so they do it here too.
Count Dankula: Oh no, I know people who that had actually happened to.
Sean: Sure.
Count Dankula: One guy gets spared from prison, but the other 2 guys involved in the robbery went to jail.
Dick: Send the pug to prison. Will they let you rat out on the pug? Look, it was actually a Nazi thing the whole time. The dog is – he, uh, he only pisses on Mein Kampf Xerox copies. Dude, somebody made – a listener of this show’s girlfriend made them for Christmas, it’s a beanie baby pug that’s doing a little Nazi salite.
Count Dankula: (Laughing so hard that he hits a piano?) That’s kind of amazing.
Dick: Yeah, I’m trying to find it, I’ll send it to you. It’s uh, I don’t know… humorous.
Count Dankula: I’ve seen – I’ve been trying to make T-shirts like that, and someone sent me a T-shirt suggestion, and I really want to do it, but I know that I really shouldn’t. It was literally a picture of Buddah doing his Nazi salute, wearing a little swastika arm band, and wearing a little Nazi officer cap.
Sean: As your American legal advisor, I say do not do that!
Dick: I can just do it and give him cash.
Count Dankula: The slogan is what made it. The shirt literally said “walkies set you free” It’s a play on walking sets you free, which is a slogan for Auschwitz. I’m not gonna do that, I just want to make it clear right now that I’m not gonna do that.
Dick: Yeah. But someone could. Count Dankula’s obviously too tied up to sue somebody in America for doing – selling a shirt like this. And I’m sure he’s open to taking donations, right, Sean? Right? That’s how that works.
Sean: Well, it seems to be, there’s a lot of that lately.
Dick: Yeah. Oh, alright man, um, I don’t know. Thanks for calling, man. I’m sure you’re getting hounded by everybody. Because it’s so, uh, fucking frustrating watching what you’re going through.
Sean: It is. It’s really frustrating. I’m – it’s like a visceral thing for me because…
Dick: It really is.
Sean: I don’t know why everybody can’t just get – rise up and smite these motherfuckers who are actually taking this seriously! And it’s a very small percentage! If the people in the court room are having to leave the court room because they’re laughing…
(Dick starts Laughing)
Sean: And their Rubix cubes! It’s like, everybody knows this is fucking insane!
Dick: Yeah.
Sean: It’s so fucking dumb. It’s so dumb.
Dick: It makes me want to be a Nazi. Like, it makes me want to say, “yeah, you know that? You guys don’t like it? Hey, I’m gonna do, Count Dankula was a good guy, he was a good guy, who’s probably way more liberal than me, just loved his girlfriend’s dog, I’m a fucking bad guy! I don’t care! I’m just going to be everything you hate, because you guys – because you obviously need a bad guy to deal with!:
Sean: Yeah.
Dick: So I’ll – congratu-fucking-lations! You got one now!
Sean: Yeah.
Dick: Because, agh, I dunno. Uh, ok, I got one last question for you. So, when you go into court, there’s a possibility you’re not coming out, right?
Count Dankula: Yeah.
Dick: Alright, does that mean that going in, like the last night going in, you get some maybe-going-to-prison sex?
Count Dankula: Oh yeah. The thing is, ever since being in court, we always think it’s going to be the last day, so we do it, just in case, let’s fuck each other’s brains out. Like, the night before I go in.
Sean: Do you think he’s really going to court the next day?
Dick: Yeah, He just goes to the pub.
Sean: He just goes to like, hang out in an abandoned construction site. “Okay, hopefully see you tonight!”
Dick: (imitating a Scottish accent) I got this great scam with my girl. I tell her I go to gotta court, and won’t come back. We fuck our brains out.
Sean: Yeah.
Dick: Um. That’s awesome. Good for you. What a saint your girlfriend is for dealing with your smiling ass in every picture.
Sean: After what you did to her dog.
Dick: Can’t you just – can’t you just frown for once in these fucking pictures?!
Sean: You’re not a sympathetic witness.
Dick: Yeah. Oh shit, man. Well okay, good luck in the next one. Call back with an update to the next one. I fucking hope it’s, um, that they let you off, finally.
Sean: The fact that it’s gone this long worries me.
Dick: Yeah, it does.
Count Dankula: Nuremburg didn’t even take as long as this.
Sean: No. Probably not.
Dick: I think you’re right on that winning thing, though. So how do you make people think that they won? Like, you gotta get them – Is there a chance that the guy could get, like, promoted out of the position, and then the next person wouldn’t care?
Count Dankula: As far as I know, this has been unconfirmed, but I think he’s already at the highest level. This guy, apart – I’ve just heard this said to me by a few people, and this guy hasn’t actually seen the inside of a courtroom in 6 years. He was basically promoted to a higher level, but he watched the prosecutor in office, but he seems to have been specially brought in for this case. It was almost like the old cop that was in the woods after retirement, and then the old police chief comes in, and is like, “we need you.” And he brings him out of retirement, and…
Dick: we need you to be a complete fucking idiot for this case, don’t read anything about it.
Sean: As opposed to being a complete badass, like they’d take the old cop out of uh…
Dick: That’s the new cop out of retirement! It’s not like, “we’ve got this badass killer gang, and we need the only dirty…” it’s like, “look, we got to really fucking nail this guy who did absolutely nothing, and you’re the only cop stupid enough to – to push it through. All of our guys, they can’t say it with a straight face about the pug, but you’re so fucking dumb, and your head’s so full of spaghetti, and no one likes you, and you don’t care about the entire world thinks about you.
Sean: because it offends you.
Dick: Because it offends you. You’re the only one stupid enough to take this case.
Sean: Mhm.
Dick: Yeah. Great, nice world we live in. You got anything that makes you a rage, by the way? That’s what we do on this show. People call in, and say stuff that really pisses them off.
Count Dankula: Um… I caught myself just in time there. I should probably feel bad just thinking it too. Um, I don’t know. Actually, at this point, I was about to say some things about the trial, but I dialed myself back a little bit.
Dick: Yeah.
Count Dankula: But yeah, I don’t want to get into more trouble.
Dick: You know, what are they going to do? Throw you in jail for 10 years?
Count Dankula: Probably. I wouldn’t put it past him, he was trying to give me 5.
Sean: 5 years for a dog...
Dick: I know we had a bad…
Sean: …saluting.
Dick: I’m greatful for the lolsuits that we have now, Sean.
Sean: Yeah. I mean…
Dick: Really makes me think. To appreciate what shit I’m getting sued for, when I hear this. It’s worse.
Sean: Yeah, I mean, yours is, you know. This one, on this side of the Atlantic, involves people.
Dick: Yeah. Mine’s just money. I could make a half billion dollars again, no big deal.
Sean: Yeah.
Dick: But I can’t get those 5 years back. Alright, um, you got anything, Count Dankula, that makes you a rage?
Count Dankula: Uh, I’m really angry at communists at the moment.
Dick: Oh yeah.
Count Dankula: Even angrier than I usually am. (laughing) Because a few communists are celebrating me going to trial over this. Stuff like that. He’s a big bad Nazi. Kill the big bad Nazi. Whenever they say stuff like that to me, I just reply with stuff like “Holodomor, Holodomor, Holodomor, Holodomor.”
Dick: What’s that?
Count Dankula: Communism’s big manmade famine in Ukraine that killed millions and millions of people.
Dick: Oh yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Count Dankula: Yeah, communism’s a great way to lose weight.
Dick: Yeah. He’s very educated too.
Sean: Yeah, that’s – it works so well. Yeah, through, yeah. God.
Dick: But some people just take it too far. Like a diet. Just a little bit of communism. That’s all we need to do, that’s always been the problem, you just need to find the right amount of communism.
Sean: Yeah, sure.
Dick: You know? Don’t do it with food. Education though, eh, let’s try it there. Um. Good luck, man. I dunno. Thanks for calling in.
Count Dankula: It was cool. Thanks again for having me guys.
Dick: Yeah. We’ll see if we can cover some of your – you know we had a guy get a – a, uh, charity album for his legal expenses. Maybe we could do a T-shirt drive.
Sean: Yeah.
Dick: Maybe we could bring you back as a news babe, or something. I dunno.
Count Dankula: I feel like I have a real good idea for a T-shirt.
Dick: Yeah. Yeah, you have. Alright man, take it easy.
Count Dankula: No worries guys, see you later.
Dick: See you.
Sean: Thanks.
Dick: Oh boy, oh boy, alright.
Sean: Every time I think about that, I just can’t get past… The first line of the article, basically.
Dick: Yeah.
Sean: He’s possibly going to jail for multiple years, because he taught a dog to zeig heil.
Dick: But, you know, what’s worse than that for me, is the, um, the fact that they’re not giving him an answer.
Sean: Oh, no, no! They’re holding his life hostage! And that’s why, in America, you have the right to a speedy trial, right?
Dick: Yeah. It’s that they’ve turned to him – they’ve turned his life, for no reason, into a PR campaign.
Sean: That’s right.
Dick: They’re trying – you can feel them trying to figure out how to spin it, so that Europe can be more inclusive.
Sean: Yeah, but, they can hold his life hostage for as long as it takes for them to figure out how they can do that...
Dick: Spin.
Sean: Yeah.
Dick: Um, I guess he can – like with YouTube removing their – the video, it’s like, yeah. I see that you guys did there. I see that you got pushed into putting the movie down – or putting the video down the memory hole, to like, just, slightly nudge a couple more people into the camp. Like, you took away his proof that what he did wasn’t bad. And, as fallible as the memory is, and the word of people like me, which means – which is a hindrance.
Sean: Yeah.
Dick: You know?
Sean: Yes.
Dick: Um. I see what they’re doing, and it’s very bad.
Sean: It’s bad.
Dick: It’s more frightening than the new Black Mirror season. Okay, the new round of Maddox leaks, have you seen any of them?
Sean: Uh. I’ve, uh, yeah, I know a little bit.
Dick: Yeah?
Sean: Yeah.
Dick: A lot of “Randy loses his job?”
Sean: Uh, yeah, a little bit.
Dick: He’s starting to get really pissed about that. Randy.
Sean: Is he?
Dick: Yeah. Just, the number of people who’ve been told he could lose his job at any moment because of his monumental incompetence, while working on a podcast. Uh, here was the new ones. In this one, this one names you.
Sean: Yeah.
Dick: I wanted to get your reaction.
Sean: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Dick: Okay. So it’s a, uh, like usual, it’s about a mile long chatlog for someone who’s done, dude. Uh, this one is by Christian. Uh, Christian N. Here’s the quote that involves you. Uh, this is Maddox talking: “Let me give you a perfect examples,” and he brings this up after a who lot of nothing. “”Let me give you a perfect example, since you brought it up. Sean. The reason I continued working with him is because of something he told me. I could tell you what that is, but then it gets leaked, and it brings more drama and bullshit in my life about a defunct podcast that ended 2 years ago. Ducking move on already, Jesus. The podcast was failing near the end, it’s not as big as you think. There weren’t as many fans as you think, and it’s not nearly important, blah, blah, blah.”
Sean: Yeah.
Dick: So what did you tell him?
Sean: He could have – he could have – he could have grabbed any possible thing that I mentioned of, in order to justify, in his mind, continuing to work with me.
Dick: The reason he continues to work with you…
Sean: It could be anything. It could be anything.
Dick: Yeah.
Sean: I don’t know what he.
Dick: What might it have been?
Sean: I don’t know.
Dick: What’s your top 3 guesses?
Sean: Um. “Dick is an alien rapist,” uh, I don’t know.
Dick: Uh, nothing?
Sean: No, I don’t know. I don’t even know what time period he would be talking about. I mean, I guess post-breakup.
Dick: It had to – it was probably right – Okay. It was either right when the Biggest Problem ended, or it was right after the rape list video. Who – there was a – look. There’s too many leaks to cover in this show.
Sean: Yeah. Yeah, I don’t know.
Dick: But one of them was that Maddox focus tested his rape apology video. He said he had 4 versions of it, one was 17 minutes long, and that he shopped it around to a bunch of different focus groups, and he had, like, the approval ratings of each version of the video.
Sean: Yeah.
Dick: Uh, and then in the very same chatlog, he says that everybody he showed it to said that they – what exactly does he say? Everybody he showed it do said that they knew I had nothing to do with the rape list. The rape list joke is not even on the list. It’s a stupid, stupid joke that they put in there. Um, how about that?
Sean: Yeah, I don’t know what – I would have to get in his mind to go – he can hear one phrase and go, “ah, that clicks for me.”
Dick: Nothing you remember? You don’t remember anything you said to him? Anything funny? Anything that was an obvious joke. Something he said to me. Hold on, I’m going to being Nick Rekieta on, so we can talk to him. Hey Nick, you there?
Nick: Yeah buddy, I’m here.
Dick: Hey, dude, I’m loving your series going over all the legal documents.
Nick: Thanks, man.
Dick: Like, I don’t…
Nick: They’re fun to make.
Dick: I don’t even really understand them until I listen to your hour long – so Nick, have you listened to any of Nick’s videos?
Sean: Yeah, I got – well, I didn’t get through the last one, but I’ve started listening to the last one.
Dick: Oh, they’re great man. It’s so great to hear a lawyer that talks like a normal person, like, not – actually trying to explain it.
Sean: Yeah.
Dick: And not getting into like, more – usually you talk to a lawyer about something, and you get more…
Sean: (interjects) They get further into the law.
Dick … They get more complicated! I’m like, god damn it!
Sean: And they’re billing by the hour!
Dick: Just tell me what – tell me who needs to get punched.
Sean: Yeah.
Dick: With this.
Nick: Everybody.
Dick: Everybody. Do Nick goes through…
Sean: Right in the fucking face.
Dick: … every document that everybody’s filed. He goes through it in detail, line by line, reads it, and explains it. And you can see that at your, what is it, Rekieta Law? Is that your YouTube channel?
Sean: Rekeita? Rekieta?
Nick: Yeah, that’s my YouTube channel, Rekeita Law.
Dick: Rekieta Law.
Sean: It is Rekieta!
Dick: So it is Rekieta?
Nick: Yeah.
Dick: Okay. Uh, so I was wrong.
Sean: Yeah, thought it was Rekeita.
Dick: Um, and that is R-e-k-i-e-t-a, he’s also got a Patreon at, uh, Law… What’s your Patreon, Nick?
Nick: It’s Patreon.com/lawsplaining.
Dick: Lawsplaining, okay.
Sean: It’s a good one.
Dick: It is.
Sean: Yeah.
Dick: Uh, and it’s – so you got Asterios’s thing last night. I brought in one quote from you about the, um, the rape list video that Maddox said. From Gab, Nick says, “Jesus Christ, so he admits to planning a video, and we can infer one that is the most damaging possible, even admits that the test audience knew you didn’t have control over 8Chan, and still blames you for 8Chan. Looks like defamation.” So what the hell is that? Because everybody’s been saying defamation since the video dropped. But I have no idea what that is.
Nick: Okay, so, uh, the distinction that Maddox fails to make in his claims of defamation, and where it gets confusing, is defamation is a statement of fact that is made against someone, that is false, and either negligently causes harm to them, or in the case of you guys, since you’re celebrities, intentionally or maliciously causes harm. Um, so, in this case, like… Everything that Maddox alleges in his complaint against you doesn’t qualify, because it’s all opinion. Even if you take it in the worst light, you’re just expressing opinion. Calling someone a liar is an opinion. But, um, when you say that someone established a rape list, for example…
Sean: (Interjects) Maintains, right?
Dick: Maintains.
Nick: Right, or maintains. That’s a statement of fact. That’s something that you’re doing.
Dick: Ahh.
Nick: And can be verified as a false or true act. So if he knows, and they all know, that that’s a false act, then, you know, then that can amount to defamation. But defamation, especially in case with celebrities, is pretty difficult, so I don’t want to make it out, like, this is a case you’d win.
Dick: Alright, so, what if – I get it. That’s what Cernovich said too. Would this be defamation, id I said the reason Maddox was complaining about the broken door, that he had, that he was blaming 80’s girl on. The reason it got broken is because he was in the middle of committing a domestic assault. Would that be defamation?
Nick: Only if it wasn’t true.
Dick: But how would it, like, if I heard it, I couldn’t possibly know one way or the other, right?
Nick: Right, and – and so, I have to tread carefully, because I cannot give you legal advice.
Dick: I don’t want legal advice.
Nick: So…
Dick: If I were to ask something like that.
Nick: The thing with it is, because you guys are celebrities, it gives – it makes it much harder even if you’re making a statement you believe to be true, that makes it less likely to be defamation, because you are a celebrity.
Dick: Okay.
Nick: You have to know that it’s false, and you have to know that the falsehood will cause damage to someone else.
Dick: Oh, I see.
Nick: Because you’re both celebrities, and the matter is a public matter of concern., amongst your fans…
Dick: (interjects) that someone else brought up.
Nick: Right. That’s pretty interesting if, uh, if that’s the case.
Dick: If someone were to make a statement like that, I realize. So, Asterios’s thing, what’s he looking at? I know you went over it last night, but I haven’t watched your video on it.
Nick: Yeah, well, I mean his – a lot of the arguments are really similar to what’s in your case, in regards to failure to state a claim. Obviously, the big difference between your document and Asterios’s is that he is actually under the jurisdiction of New York, where you’re not. So that whole jurisdictional argument is left out. But his attorney does a very good job at laying out the – I guess the deficiencies of the complaint, failing to state a claim, which leads to a cause of action. And this is something I’ve got a bunch of questions about, but basically, I said this early one, you can’t just say something is defamation, or you can’t just say something is harassment, you have to actually allege facts that lead you to that conclusion.
Dick: Right.
Sean: He’s done that zero times.
Dick: Yeah.
Nick: Right. Not a single thing, even read in the light favorably to him, comes out to a cause of action. So, Greenberger does a really good job of laying that out, just as your lawyers did. He takes a little more of an aggressive approach, and I have no idea what the strategies for your legal counsel and his legal counsel have been, but I think it’s more appropriate for Asterios to take a more aggressive approach, because he’s in the forum.
Dick: I also saw that he’s asking for money. Asterios is asking for money from Maddox.
Nick: Yeah.
Dick: Is that realistic?
Sean: To get like lawyers…
Dick: Yeah, then I guess Asterios has to pay everybody back for AsteriosAids, um, charity album. So, it doesn’t say in the complaint that he’s going to do that. I don’t know if he’s going to do that.
Nick: Yeah, it’s possible, and actually, technically it’s possible for you to as well, even if you don’t move for it. If the judge determines this is frivolous nonsense, he can award it to anyone without a motion. So, in theory, he could award costs to you, Boser, Foundation Digital, he could award costs to anybody.
Sean: For some asshole wasting everybody’s time.
Dick: Oh, cool. I’m afraid to ask my lawyer that, because I don’t know – I don’t want to pay for the answer. I imagine that every time I text him, it’s like a stopwatch. Click click, click click. Like, fuck! How much did that fucking cost? How many LiteCoins did that fucking cost me? Alright, I want to play a clip from one of your recent reviews that I thought was pretty funny.
Sean: Sure.
Dick: You’re reviewing – I think you’re reviewing my, uh, my response to the lolsuit, and it – you say it’s #11, a brutal response. Here, let me find the part.
(Dick starts the video) [1:30:00]
(Clip ends)
Dick: Ah, great! Listening to one of nick’s videos is like a song. Like he never stops. It’s all an extended hour-long improvised burn. They’re so satisfying.
Madcucks: Yeah, I’ve got a question! Dick, as an officer of burn court, is that a legally binding burn?
Dick: Oh, yeah. That’s a legally – when you can’t find a space to interrupt somebody in their burn, you are getting fucking roasted. That’s how you know it’s a legally binding burn. Like, when the wheels are going faster than you can even process the burn. When it’s starting to stack up in the cache, and like, oh fuck, I’m waiting for a moment to get in, but I can’t! Because he just keeps stacking these – Like Lucy and Ethel, when they’re trying to eat all the chocolates! You know, when you find yourself eating a bunch of shit that some guy’s shitting out on a conveyer belt, and for some reason you’re cramming it into your mouth, you are getting burned! That’s how you know!
Nick: Yeah, the problem is that Maddox makes it really easy to do that, because his litany of failures just goes on and on, and it’s just obviously bad decisions. That’s the weird thing. How does he keep getting it wrong?
Sean: It’s like this compulsion, it’s like he just can’t help himself. It’s like I’m watching a guy who truly thinks that down is up, and left is right. And, if I do this, this fixes it, and it couldn’t be more the opposite.
Dick: Yeah, um, yeah. It’ll all be over soon, I think. And then we can be done with the whole fucking thing. But you get sued for half a billion dollar, you’re going to talk about it, you know?
Nick: Absolutely. Oh, and by the way, can I just drop in that uh, I love that he said, in one of the leaked chats, “I can’t talk, I’m pending litigation.” It’s like he’s a police department of something. He’s just some dummy on the internet.
Dick: Yeah. And you know what? Joan Ford confronted him outside of UCB, saying 20 million dollars? You’re suing Asterios for 20 million dollars? What the fuck is wrong with you? And, uh, Maddox told her, “Oh, that was the lawyer’s idea, and I can’t comment on it.” Motherfucker, you’re working for you, you’re not under any kind of gag order! What, did you hear that on TV? Like, oh, he heard that on a movie, so not I’m just going to – that’s pretty much understanded you can’t comment. Like what the fuck am I doing then?
Nick: Guaranteed that’s his line of reasoning. Guaranteed that’s his line of reasoning.
Dick: Alright Nick…
Nick: What you don’t know is you’re going to lose the lawsuit because you talked about it. The New York judge, that’s what he cares about.
Dick: Yeah. Hey, what makes you a rage, man? I’m gonna let you go.
Nick: Oh. I’ve – You know, I don’t really have a specific one today, other than coffee tables.
Dick: Why? What’s wrong with coffee tables?
Nick: Well, uh, they ruined my Christmas. Well, they didn’t really ruin my Christmas, they delayed my Christmas meal because my daughter, who’s 2, decided to ram her head right into one, and I had to go to the ER.
Dick: Dude!
Sean: They do that!
Dick: They – are – like, the amount of deathtraps in a normal home, um… When my sister and her husband had their first kid, I went through the house, red-tagging things that were hazards for them, just so I could get to have them. Like all their expensive-ass furniture. Because I still…
Sean: Did you end up with like 4 corners of a coffee table that you just sawed off?
Dick: Yeah. Like, this is – And then the whole time I was doing this, I was really like talking it up, like the kid was going to kill himself. Like, oh man, he hits his frontal lobe on this little screw sticking out of this $900 restoration coffee table, it’s going to make him exceptionally abled for the rest of his life. That’s going to uncle Dick!
Sean: That’s a lobotomy.
Dick: Let’s see what we have here. This drawer and this night stand opens a little low, that’s a deathtrap. That’s a guaranteed special needs program waiting to happen. That’s going to uncle Dick as well. Load up the fucking truck, you guys are having nothing but bean bags and foam.
Sean: Yeah.
Dick: Um, yeah. Totally. Alright man, have a good one. Thanks for all your videos.
Nick: Yeah man. Thanks. It’s a pleasure. Get sued again so I can do more.
Dick: I’m sure it’ll happen. I’m 100% sure Maddox will either sue me again, or try to kill me.
Nick: That… Seems likely. Good luck. Don’t die, though.
Dick: Thank you, I’ll try not to. I survived the overdose of weed. See you, man.
Nick: See you later.
Dick: I’ll probably survive the… How would he try to kill me? It’d have to be stupid and over-complicated, right?
Sean: I don’t know.
Dick: Dankula’s going to call in…
Sean: It would probably involve a jetpack and…
Dick: Yeah. How about the door, wouldn’t that be, uh… I mean, what if there was an other side to all of those stories? That’s all I want to know! What if there was another side to all those stories! (laughing)
Sean: But that’s the whole thing! He never considers that!
Dick: Yeah.
Sean: In any of this. It’s like, I’ll say this, and then people believe it, and then if they challenge me on it, I’ll ban them, or I’ll clam up.
Dick: Then it will just be he-said she-said. And who’s going to believe a woman, am I right, guys? (Dick laughs like a schoolgirl who is trying to do an impression of Woody Woodpecker) Good luck with that! Shut the fuck up! (Dick continues the aforementioned laugh)
Sean: Oh man, I’m just continuously baffled.
Dick: Oh, me too. Uh, okay. Let me… I’m going to play a song. This one’s by Danger, uh… Danny Danger, from Facebook, and a bunch of people put this one together.
Sean: Okay.
Dick: I need to relax a little bit.
Sean: Have a brownie.
Dick: (quietly) Fuck you. It’s an Eminem song, apparently. I don’t know very many Eminem songs.
Sean: I’ll bet you do.
(Dick starts the song)
Dick: I know the one about spaghetti.
Sean: I know this one.
Dick: Yeah.
Dick: I just like listening to this girl’s voice.
Sean: I know.
Dick: Emma Abrahamsson.
Sean: It’s like a hot Swedish chick or something, right?
Dick: Yeah, hot Swedish chick. Not too big of cans, you know? Tastefully sized cans.
(Dick ends the song)
Dick: Alright, alright, alright. It’s 5 minutes long. Go to the website to… I’m not going to say the name of the song, but it’s on the website. Um, let me see here. Let me get… do you want to hear an erotic story?
Sean: Uh, yeah. We got some time, right?
Dick: Yeah. Alright, let’s do an erotic story. Uh, oh! I know!
Sean: What?
Dick: Do you remember the heads up that you gave me, a long time ago, in the very early days of this show? About what Maddox was planning?
Sean: Uh…
Dick: Do you remember that?
Sean: Yeah.
Dick: Yeah.
Sean: Yeah, I think so.
Dick: Do you ever want to talk about that? Because I’ve always been curious about that.
Sean: The heads up?
Dick: You gave me a very spicy heads up. That he was planning on…
Sean: (Interjects) But it was something you already knew.
Dick: No!
Sean: And that…
Dick: I didn’t! I didn’t know about it.
Sean: Really?
Dick: Yeah. This was like early, early on episode like 10, maybe. You sent me a text saying, “hey, just want to let you know, Maddox is planning to do this…
Sean: No, I have…
Dick: … To fuck with you.” Think about it!
Sean: Okay, now I have to remember.
Dick: Think about it, and see if you want to talk about it. It was a real quick heads up.
Sean: Really?
Dick: Yeah. About a blonde girl.
Sean: Uhm.
Dick: I’m assuming. Think about it while I read this erotic story. And maybe also after the show, think about it.
Sean: Okay. The blonde girl, uh, okay. I think I know.
Dick: Okay. Let’s do a – Let’s read an erotic story, sorry.
(Erotic story riff plays)
Dick: Alright, alright, alright. This one’s from Chocolate Noodle. He says,
“A few years ago, my family and I had to do Christmas on the 24th, so I had the whole day off, just in my apartment. I invited this girl over, who I’ve known for several years, but hadn’t talked to for some time, on account of her always having a boyfriend, because she too, was alone for the holiday.”
Dick: Can’t leave your girlfriend alone on the holiday, Sean.
Sean: Or a girl you haven’t talked to in several years.
“When I first met her, I was a huge fatass, around 300 pounds, working at a shitty call center. I’ve since lost over 110 pounds from diet and exercising, and I’ve gained a lot of confidence and experience with women. This girl was a sexy 8 out of 10 at the time, but her twisted sense of humor and eroticism pushed her up to a 9 in my eyes.”
Dick: Have you ever seen a chart of the numbers of attractiveness?
Sean: No.
Dick: And how they get that way?
Sean: No.
Dick: Dude, it’s really interesting, because it’s a chart that has the description of the number, and then it has a bunch of examples of girls you would consider that number. And it’s totally fucking accurate.
Sean: Really?
Dick: Like, it’s disturbingly accurate. Like, um, the verbiage is disturbing, and the examples are disturbing. Like even 4’s and 5’s, if you asked me to find what I feel is a 4 or a 5, for women or men, I wouldn’t be able to do it, but, it’s really cool. Let’s see if I can find it and post it. Um…
“Half Mexican in the best way: the ass, but with a pair of nicely shaped C’s, instead of those weird native-looking sideways tits that a lot of Mexican chicks get.”
Dick: How about that?
“By this Christmas, she’d had a kid, and had admittedly dropped down to a 7 out of 10.”
Dick: Eh, bummer.
“But with all the same depravity, now pressurized, from all the daily obligations of motherhood. She came over, and we caught up. Got high and watched True Blood. Gay, I know, but crazy bitches like that shit. True Blood led to a funny cartoon porn. I remember this feature-length Disney film about a Tinkerbell sized boy, with a normal sized cock, going around different fairy tale references, and banging all the maids in cartoonish explicit manners.”
Dick: Alright, nice Christmas. Nice Christmas eve that he’s kicking up over here. A little bit of eroticism, with the cartoon pornography.
Sean: Okay, yeah.
“I was thoroughly un-horny from this.”
Sean: Yeah, I guess he’s like me.
“But I guess that was her goal, because that’s when she started getting really close, and we began making out. Making out led to feeling up, and soon her tits were out. The movie ended with neither of us noticing.”
Sean: Have you ever made out, like really made out, and not felt up?
Dick: Like, just hands behind your back?
Sean: That’s what I mean! Like, one leads to the other! Like, that’s never happened! To me. With me.
Dick: Oh, man…
Sean: Like you’re feeling up almost immediately if you’re really making out. Am I wrong here?
Dick: Well…
Sean: Am I going to get sued?
Dick: No. Like, I remember making out for the first time as a teenager, and then you’re like, “ooh, wow, am I ready to touch a boob?” Like, back when women still seemed like aliens, and you don’t realize that they want to fuck also.
Sean: Yeah. Yeah. I mean, just forgive yourself for the first couple times or whatever. But, like, yeah, it’s basically immediate.
Dick: I feel like usually the groping starts before the kissing almost.
Sean: It could.
Dick: The making out.
Sean: It could. That was just a sticking point for me, never mind.
Dick: Yeah. Um…
“The movie ended without either of us noticing. I tried to get my hands down lower, but she wouldn’t let me. She played with my cock through my pants, but told me not to get it out.”
Dick: Oh man! What a lot of fucking demands. That’ll really kill me. Uhm…
“After probably half an hour, which seemed like a decade of no further progress, I said, “bitch, I’m going to have to cum at some point.”
Dick: Good. Don’t take any bullshit.
““You’d probably have to rape me if you wanted that,” she replied, with the bitchiest expression a woman’s face can hold. That’s exactly a safe guess for a man to make in today’s world, remembering a Louis CK joke. There are consequences to getting that guess wrong. Do you really think I’m the type of girl to tall the cops on you for that?”
Dick: Wow, this making out really took the wrong turn.
Sean: It really did.
“It finally dawned on my stupid fucking brain…”
Dick: Oh. She says do you really think I’m the type of girl to call the cops on you.
Sean: Yeah, right. So she’s like saying, I want this as a fantasy, right? Like.
Dick: This is real life!
Sean: Yeah.
Dick: This is real life!
Sean: Yeah.
Dick: You’re making out with a chick on Christmas Eve. A single mom, on Christmas Eve. A 7 out of 10. Watching Tinkerbell porn with weirdly proportioned penises, and fairytales, and she’s being very unclear.
Sean: Yeah.
“It finally dawned on my stupid brain that this conversation was unnecessary, and I realized what I had to do. What followed could have been an erotic ravishing.”
Dick: You know what ravishing is, right?
Sean: Mhm.
Dick: It’s very close to something else – that we don’t do.
Sean: Mhm.
Dick: That’s very similar, right? Similar.
Sean: It’s in the ballpark.
“What followed could have been an erotic ravishing, were it not for her constant giggling and squirming. I tried very hard to rape this girl.”
Sean: Oh, no.
“That merry Christmas I gained an appreciation for the real rapists in out world, because it’s actually quite physically challenging to fuck a moving vagina, even with a strength advantage.”
Dick: Okay, he’s saying it – he’s not saying it in a delicate way. But have you ever dated a girl who has a ravishment fantasy? Who wants to be, like, chased down, and taken? But who also fights like, um, who also fights like a pitbull with a loaf of bread while you’re trying to do it? You’re like, “okay, I get that you have this fucking fantasy, but…
Sean: (Interjects) I’ve never experienced that.
Dick: … but if I catch another heel, I’m going to seriously… I’m going to react to that. It’s really fucking with me. I was game for this, I don’t like it, and I’m thinking about something else to stay hard and make this work for you, but I swear to Christ, if I get one more claw…”
Sean: It’s not worth it for me!
Dick: It’s not worth it for me! And he’s right! Because they go into this dog-scratching-its-ass pose that women do when they’re trying to avoid – like what the fuck am I supposed to – how am I even supposed to get in here?! It’s like trying to fuck a bowling ball with no holes drilled into it! Like, what the fuck is this supposed to – what are you doing here?
Sean: Oh, yeah.
Dick: What kind of thing – what is this anymore?! This is like a young chick fantasy, I think. They’ll throw this one out, and don’t really know how to cooperate to make it happen for them. When they want this ravishment.
Sean: Yeah.
Dick: But they fight tooth and fucking nail, and it’s so annoying. It’s so annoying that it ruined it for me forever. God, you know what? I’m gonna go play Dead or Alive: Beach Volleyball. Why don’t you go ravish yourself? Try to fight your fucking self off, like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar, you bitch!
Sean: I have this picture of, uh, Dr. Strangelove’s...
Dick: Yes! Exactly!
Sean: … fucking arm going like: [grope?]
Dick: Exactly! That’s exactly what it fucking is! Because they’re telling you, uh, “I want you to just take me. I want to be like in Pirates of the Caribbean, and you chase me around, and I throw the bread, and you’re just gonna jump on me and stick it in me!” And I’m like, alright, I’m into that. Got the sticking it in part. I could chase you around a little bit. It’ll be a little bit of fun, and then you touch her, and it’s like getting kicked by a fucking mule! Bitch, why don’t you dial it the fuck down? Computer! Uh… Computer! Uh, lower difficulty – lower the danger… What the fuck did Picard say? Computer, safety guards on!
Sean: Oh, okay.
Dick: Please. Remember then he’s…
Sean: Oh, like in the holodeck, or something?
Dick: Yeah, you could make the holodeck more dangerous.
Sean: Yeah. And sometimes it could get fucky, and you could really die in there, and stuff.
Dick: Yeah. You could. He killed a bunch of borgs in there. In First Contact. Yeah. Anyway…
“After 5 minutes of getting…”
Dick: So that’s what’s happening to this fucking guy! He’s just trying to have a nice Christmas too. Just gotta make it all complicated. She’s gotta make it all complicated with weird fantasies.
“After 5 minutes of getting genuinely frustrated, an eternity in rape time, and several pauses for a swig of vodka…”
Dick: He’s going rounds with this girl.
Sean: I know!
Dick: He’s gotta pause and get a spit bucket. Cut, get some advice from Nick. (doing an impression of Nick?) Gotta get in there!
Sean: Yup.
Dick: You gotta reach it. You gotta tickle her more! You know? Grab her feet, they’re sensitive!
Sean: You gotta punch her in the face, and then find out what she wants!
Dick: Yeah. C’mon, Brock! You’re gonna make her crap thunderbolts!(sigh)
“I finally pulled off her last piece of clothing, and had her bent over the back of the couch with her arms in a submission lock.”
Dick: Jesus Christ.
“The first full successful penetration happened in her back arched in a first act of consent of the evening, with no condom, because she had an IED installed.”
Dick: (laughing) Good luck with that!
“We fucked like crazy. She sucked my balls, and I put my finger in her ass. Afterwards, we hung out naked on the couch, smoking some weed and some more dirty fucked up shit, and fucking around a couple more times. In the morning, we fucked again, before she had to leave for work, and I enjoyed sleeping until noon. Afterwards, she texted me that she lives with her current boyfriend, and that he cares for her daughter greatly. He also makes a lot more money than I do delivering pizzas, so our encounter would have to bee just a one-time thing. Not a big disappointment to me, because I was inferring the obvious, that she delighted in the torment of others, and was not keen on beginning a relationship with a real-life True Blood.”
Dick: God, and she made him watch True Blood, too! Oh, that was – that’s – that should have been a red flag. If she’s making you watch shit that every woman knows no man wants to watch. True Blood? Get the fuck – I would rather have my eyes gouged out than watch True Blood.
“All-in-all, this girl was one whom I believed myself to be in the friend zone for several years, and it felt like an accomplishment.”
Dick: Man, you should have been greatful for that friend zone.
“A Christmas miracle for a man who had come a long way: from a feeble fatass, to a chad consensual-rapist.”
Sean: Oh, boy!
“Never forget that being in the friend zone is your fault, if for no reason other than wasting your time, and that most women are psychopaths who want to torture you anyway. Yours truly, a Patreoni and fan, Chocolate Noodle.”
Sean: Chocolate Noodle.
(Erotic story riff plays again)
Dick: Wow. Very spicy listening. Very, very spicy!
Sean: Indeed.
Dick: Alright.
Sean: A lot of ravishing going on.
Dick: A lot of ravishing going on, Chocolate Noodle, good for you. So… Oh! I got a present! I got a present, here. I want to open it.
Sean: Yeah, yeah. Cool. Look at this box!
Dick: It’s a gigantic box, man.
Sean: Is it heavy?
Dick: Could be a microwave in this thing. Not that heavy. Could be a microwave, maybe some toys, like action figures, Star Wars guys. Like a Millennium Falcon. Maybe some Lego things, that would be cool. Maube, uh, what else could be in here? Says…
Sean: That’s it. It’s a piece of paper.
Dick: It’s got a note. Says, “Yo Dick, I heard you were…” Oh, okay. “I heard you were looking for a wiggly dildo….
Sean: Oh, god.
Dick: …So brunette Peach and I sent you the biggest one we could find. Love the podcast, keep up the great work, and don’t go fuck yourself with the dildo. – Sergio and Laura.” Alright. It’s the wiggliest dildo they could find.
Sean: Holy shit!
Dick: This is, um, 16-incher. 16-inch extreme dong. You ever seen one of these?
Sean: No!
Dick: In person, I mean?
Sean: Oh, in person?
Dick: You think this is safe? You think I could put this on YouTube? This is a wiggly motherfucker! Look at this! Look at the wiggling of this dildo!
Sean: Look at the size of this fucking thing!
Dick: Yeah, it’s so small, right? Never seen a dick this small. Sean! Look at the wiggling on this! Look at the wiggling on this!
Sean: As it whacks the mic.
Dick: This is the wiggliest motherfucker I have ever seen!
Sean: Yeah, well, it would be!
Dick: Wow! You wanna get a wiggle? You want to get a wiggle of this thing?
Sean: No!
Dick: (yelling) What do you mean no?! You see something wiggly, and you don’t want to wiggle it around a little bit?
Sean: Yeah, I kinda do.
Dick: Yeah, okay! Don’t be such a fucking prick, nay-saying all the time! Give it a wiggle.
Sean: (laughing) It’s more wiggly than I thought!
Dick: Don’t throw it! It’s fucking dangerous!
Sean: It’s fucking the worst thing I’ve ever seen.
Dick: It’s more wiggly than you thought, right?
Sean: More wiggly than I thought.
Dick: It wiggles on its own! It’s like a putty.
Sean: Yeah, you barely have to do anything.
Dick: Ah, that’ll be a GIF. Well, thank you Sergio and Laura.
Sean: Good god. I mean, I feel like I have to hand this back to you like a knife, or something.
Dick: Yeah, that’s why I pointed it to you!
Sean: Yeah, balls first, right? Yeah, you don’t want to hand someone the tip of anything. Good god.
Dick: I’m not going to make him maneuver around the head of this giant penis. Oh, does it stick to things? Let’s see here.
Sean: No, I don’t think so.
Dick: No, it’s kind of – okay, so… There’s a suction cup on the bottom.
Sean: Wait, is that a suction cup, or is that just the manufacturing base?
Dick: No, it’s got a suction cup. So, I was – you’re thinking that it’s not strong enough to hold it up, right?
Sean: Yeah.
Dick: Okay, but I just realized something. Chick’s going to be fucking this.
Sean: Yeah.
Dick: Or guy. So they’re going to be holding – all it is is to keep it from getting pulled up, right? Oh, thank god that wasn’t on camera, what I was doing. So all the suction cup is there for is just to hold it in place. It’s not to keep it up on its own accord. You understand.
Sean: No, no, no. Yeah, true.
Dick: Because it will actively be used.
Sean: Yeah.
Dick: So it’s a great suction cup. That’s all I’m saying.
Sean: Oh, okay.
Dick: Because, oh. A bad suction cup, man. Bad suction cups haunted my fucking youth.
Sean: Lose suction at the wrong time.
Dick: Like those Nerf guns.
Sean: Oh, yeah.
Dick: With the crummy suction tips you shoot at the wall, or the darts you throw at the wall, and it wouldn’t stick. And I was just like, c’mon, man. And the one suction cup would have just a bend in it.
Sean: Oh, god! That’s the worst! It has no, yeah.
Dick: Like you didn’t – nobody saw this at the factory? You know how much convincing it took for my mom to get me this fucking suction cup gun, and now it doesn’t stick to shit. Now it is just a bullet. I thought it would be cool to, like, pow pow pow, and stick it to stuff.
Sean: On the window or something, yeah.
Dick: Because I can’t shoot at people! God forbid that I shoot this foam dart at a person! Or else my mom gets – she gets a gypsy curse where she loses a year off her life every time I have a little bit of fun, and shoot a dart at a person! Uh, did I tell you I got the boys, my sister’s kids – Did I tell you what I got the for Christmas?
Sean: No.
Dick: Oh dude. I got them both Nerf guns, and un, 2 boxes of replacement darts/
Sean: Oh wow.
Dick: Like 400 – so many darts, that you don’t even need to look for the ones you shot. Like, okay, now everybody pause while we all collect our darts!
Sean: Yeah.
Dick: For the rest of the – everybody stop our fun war and do some shagging, and cleaning up.
Sean: Yeah, the vacuum cleaner is going to collect the last darts.
Dick: Yea, fuck it. Like, you know what boys? Uh, don’t ever pick these up, and when these are out, I’ll just buy you some new ones. It’s like $7. So I found out later that -- I put these puzzle pieces together, that her and my brother in law already had a similar conversation about getting the boys darts, and that she was very against it. Like dart guns. Uh, because they had guns that fit those darts, but they were hidden.
Sean: Oh.
Dick: Well he’s like, yeah, I was waiting for the darts to, you know, get lost.
Sean: Disappear.
Dick: Yeah. But I was like, well, you’re going to fucking have ‘em.
Sean: Merry Christmas to you.
Dick: Merry Christmas. Uh, maybe you should think about your goals in life, and re-orient them to something that’s more achievable.
Sean: Yeah.
Dick: Alright, um, I’m tired of holding this thing.
Sean: Yeah, put it – put it somewhere I can’t see it.
Dick: Alright everybody, that’s been The Dick Show! Patreon.com/thedickshow. TheDickshow.com. Stay tuned for more info about Road Rage Portland, on February 24th, and the CD – CD’s gonna be fucking great. We’re going to play some songs there. Try to con you into it. I wish you would put a song on the CD. You gotta – you could work with those guys.
Sean: I know, I just – when I was going to, I got crazy, and not…
Dick: (interjects) You got time!
Sean: I don’t have the wherewithal, man.
Dick: Yeah, but they’ll help you.
Sean: Yeah, I know.
Dick: Dude, so I went in there, and I was like, I got this idea – they had this idea for a song, I don’t want to take any credit. And I kinda threw out some ideas, and they just filled…
Sean: (interjects) Yeah, I know.
Dick: They’re like a machine – Vistas in, uh, Lakembra and Sam Glaze, they like – they just create lyrics.
Sean: I know, they just like do it. All the time.
Dick: Just tell them what you want to write, even what it’s kind of about, and they’ll help out. They’ll do basically everything. But it will be your song! It will feel like yours! You get to be the Sir George Martin! The Dickhead musicians! C’mon! God damn it! Alright. Um, okay, this song’s by Hazencruz and KenDollInHide. Uh, oh god damn it, I – alright, I’m not reading what it’s called. Here it is, C U Next Tuesday.
(Dick starts the song)
Dick: Want to hold it? You don’t want to hold it, you want to place it somewhere.
“And a sound dude who smokes that weed.”
Sean: Hey!
Sean: Somebody in there sounds like Maddox.
Dick: Probably KenDollInHide.
Sean: Somebody in there sounds like him.
(Dick ends the song)
Dick: Alright, I’m gonna put that in the – it’s about 3 times that long. I’ll put that on the site too.
Sean: Wait, what about the, uh, the message I sent you?
Dick: Oh, I figured you would think about it during the week.
Sean: Well, did it have anything to do with somebody you were dating at the time, then he was going to use…
Dick: Yeah.
Sean: … The other person to…
Dick: Yeah.
Sean: Yeah. I mean, yeah, I remember that.
Dick: Want to talk about it?
Sean: I thought you already knew about that, though.
Dick: I didn’t know about the plan.
Sean: Oh, the plan! Yeah. Well, did he ever – but like, didn’t that other person – it was already worked out between all parties involved, right?
Dick: I mean, there was… Start with – do you remember the text you sent me?
Sean: Not verbatim.
Dick: Oh, okay. Can I say it?
Sean: Yeah.
Dick: It was “hey, just to let you know, Maddox is trying to put together like a bomb, to show that you cheated on 80’s girl..
Sean: Yeah.
Dick: And I said I didn’t
Sean: Yeah. And – right.
Dick: And then, uh, but there was somebody on his show that I slept with…
Sean: Yeah.
Dick: And I thought he got – I figured he just confused the dates.
Sean: Yeah.
Dick: So I always wanted to know from your side how that conversation went, because you seemed, uh, pretty fucking convinced that it was happening.
Sean: Well, I think he had told me, because he had said “I know that, uh, I know that Dick’s already cheated on her.” You know, like this kinda stuff.
Dick: Already. This was like 3 months – this would have had to have been 2 months after the breakup of The Biggest Problem, so he would have just found out that we were dating. Because he found out we were dating the moment the show was killed.
Sean: Yeah.
Dick: And the, so that immediate seems to have turned into a plan to…
Sean: I guess so, yeah. I guess so. I’m trying – I’m trying to remember, um, but yeah. That was like, I could tell from the was he was talking, that in his mind, that was like an A-bomb.
Dick: Yeah. And um, it’s a weird protective thing too.
Sean: Yeah. I kind of forgot about it almost immediately afterwards, because you were like, “yeah, I didn’t.” And like, this is – parties involved knew you, so I was like, oh no big deal. It’s gonna – it’s not gonna have any teeth because…
Dick: But it would have been hilarious if he had run with it.
Sean: Yeah, I guess he did.
Dick: I definitely banged that girl, but it wasn’t anywhere near when you say it was.
Sean: Right.
Dick: Alright, uh, yeah. I’ll read some of these comments before we do voicemail. Major Pain says: “The part of the podcast where they say that language affects the way we think is very true. The book on killing talks about how the army totally revamped basic training using a whole bunch of psychology. One of the things they talk about is using the word weapon to refer to a gun, as the brain thinks of the word gun as just a thing, but thinks of weapon as an item that can hurt people.” Isn’t that interesting?
Sean: Yeah.
Dick: One little change increased their killing power. “They also changed the training to emphasize that your friends will die if you fuck up, rather than you will die. They discovered that people are less likely to kill to save themselves, but will kill to save others. I think the police need something similar, but to focus on saving instead of killing. They need to have the words they use and the actions they take guided by some psychologists, or help finding the most peaceful way of solving problems.” Um ,yeah. Or just try not to be a dickhead, normally. But, eh, that’s not – that doesn’t work. A cop wrote me too, he wanted to call in…
Sean: Oh yeah?
Dick: Yeah. Because, you know. I get heated.
Sean: No, sure.
Dick: … and I’m too hard on the police, sometimes. It’s not their – like, the individuals who are doing it, most of them, great, fine, just doing a job. Whatever.
Sean: Yup.
Dick: Regular dudes.
Sean: Mhm.
Dick: But a couple of them fuck it up, and I think that collectively, they’re being forced into a position that is not tenable. Where they are not able to function as we want them to, because of the scope of their job. Um, I told him to call back in next time.
Sean: Oh, good.
Dick: He’s a cool guy, though. He’s been a patreon for a long time.
Caller #1: Hey Dick Show, this is Andrew (?). What makes me a rage is when people try to talk to you, they have their (?) leaving a room. Um. People try to talk to you when you’re blowing your nose. They try to talk to you when you’re in the bathroom. These are all things I fucking hate.
Dick: Like when you’re about to sneeze.
Sean: Yeah.
Dick: “Hey, hey, Dick, can I ask you something? What time were you…” Just fucking HOLD ON! I’M TRYING TO SNEEZE OVER HERE! FUCK OFF! I don’t come fucking around with you when you’re trying to sneeze. God! Can you not see my face? What, do you got like a brain disease? You can’t see it just looks like a blob to you? Fuck! Takin’ a piss in here! Have you ever taken a piss? Can you hear over pissery?!
Sean: Yeah, no.
Dick: Like, yeah, I would love to listen to you. Can’t fucking hear!
Sean: Yeah.
Dick: Leave me the fuck alone! Count to 10! Yap, yap, yap, yap. (Dick gets progressively quieter)
Sean: Oh, god.
Caller #2: Hey pussyfellas, it’s your ol’ pal, DP, and I’ve got another gun rage for you guys! So, I dunno how it is there, but here, everybody feels the need to put these fucking printouts that say “nothing inside is worth dying for.” And it’s like, a police target silhouette with grouping on the chest. But, it’s a printout. Like, that’s nobody’s fucking shot path. It’s just like fucking 90’s clip art. You really want to deter me? First of all, now that I know you can’t shoot, I’m gonna steal from you. If you want to deter me, get a fucking cardboard cutout of like, Clint Black, or fucking anybody, but I want to shoot Clint Black in the balls. Shoot the dick!
Sean: Clint Black?
Caller #2: That’s your fucking pattern! It doesn’t matter if it’s point blank range, that’s gonna scare me. But a shot to the lungs? I might survive it. It’ll be uncomfortable, but you shoot my dick off, my life is fucked! I’m not going in your house! Because that’s what I’m gonna do to you! You break into my house, I’m not gonna shoot you in the chest, I’m gonna shoot you in the dick, pop your eye out, and skull fuck ya.”
Dick: Yeah.
Caller #2: C U Next Tuesday.
Dick: Home defense.
Sean: Yeah.
Dick: Classic home defense. Somebody breaks in in the middle of the night, you do your little finger safe, boop, boop, boop! Bust out your gun, joke’s on you buddy. I’m aiming right for your dick.
Sean: Right for your dick. Yeah.
Dick: How much of our lives, as men, do we spend fantasizing about violent encounters of people who have wronged us, and we exact revenge on them, violently?
Sean: Oh, uh…
Dick: And we’re right. We’re right in it.
Sean: Quite a bit.
Dick: Quite a bit.
Sean: Quite a bit.
Dick: Probably – I probably think about that more than I think about sex. As a teenager, I thought about sex a lot…
Sean: Yeah.
Dick: …As I get older, now I think violence drastically outpaces it.
Sean: Yeah. I actually went through a high-point. I think I’m actually on another – I don’t think I think about violence as much as I used to.
Dick: Yeah.
Sean: But there was a time when I thought about violence a disturbingamount of the time.
Dick: Like, what kind of violence? Like, oh, if I was in them 9/11 plane, I would, dude…
Sean: (interjects) No, not like stupid shit like that.
Dick: How’s that stupid?
Sean: Because Mark Walberg said it. (laughs) And Mark Walberg’s stupid.
Dick: I was just being joking. I knew that.
Sean: No, I dunno. I just – my solution to everything was like, dude, they need to be murdered in front of their family.
(Dick laughs like a schoolgirl)
Sean: Because they’re just too stupid to live.
Dick: Yeah. Like who?
Sean: I’ve called – Anybody!
Dick: Anybody?
Sean: Yeah, I mean, people do stupid shit all the time.
Dick: Yeah.
Sean: Famous people, not famous people. Eventually it’s like, yeah, you know. I calmed down. I rarely kill anymore.
Dick: Maybe I’m calming down too. I’m always thinking about Bitcoins.
Sean: Oh, okay.
Dick: (Dick mumbles his Bitcoin-related sexual frustrations)
Caller #3: Hey Dick, Matt from Minnesota here. Sorry to call you while I’m driving, but it’s really the only ducking time I get to myself in my life, and that is not even my rage.
Dick: That’s a good rage, though.
Sean: No…
Dick: And, when you get that point where – when you get in the car, and the car doors close, and you think to yourself, “well you know what? You just lock these car doors, and none of these motherfuckers could bother me until I’m ready.”
Sean: That’s the only time you get.
Dick: I’m gonna drive all the way across town. “Hey, honey, you need anything at the store? You need some milk? I’m gonna drive to – uh, Nevada, to get that milk. See you in a day and a half.” Oh, god. Such a very fucking real consequence of, uh… being a human.
Caller #3: My rage is when you go to hold the door open for someone, just trying to help out your fellow man, take 2 seconds out of your day, just to convenience someone, and they touch the door. I’m standing here, like a goddamn statue, trying to make your day just the slightest bit easier”
Dick: Come on in! Be my guest!
Caller #3: And it’s sincerely genuine. I’m here, I’m holding the door, I’m posted up like… Why the fuck do you need to touch the door? You need to push on it to make sure I’m not gonna what, hit you with it? Just walk through the doorway, I just created a hole where you had an obstacle. Use it.
Dick: You know what I hope doesn’t happen, but I hope happens, remember that Knockout game? When kids would run around, knocking people out, and filming it, and putting it on YouTube?
Sean: Oh, yeah.
Dick: That’s be a great prank, a door slamming game. Like where you – the prank was that you held a door open for somebody, and slammed it right in their fucking face…
Sean: Yeah.
Dick: … If they didn’t hold their hand out. You know, because then it would be like an urban – then it would be a thing! Like, “I have to ducking hold my hand out! These fucking jackasses are going around slamming doors!..
Sean: Yeah.
Dick: Putting it on YouTube and everyone thinks this is so funny!
Sean: Yeah, yeah.
Dick: Even though it’s horrible, people are laughing at it! I don’t want to be that guy.
Sean: Yeah.
Dick: That’s funny. Sean, that’s a funny video. That’s a funny prank, we could fake that. You know?
Sean: If Count Dankula had done that, and not the Nazi pug thing, he’d be fine!
Dick: Play his ass! Throw him in prison, yeah! Throw him in prison for slamming doors on people! We’ll fake it. We’ll make a fake viral video, be like the Doorslam Boys, “Ayy, this is the Doorslam Boys, this is what we do! We got to hotels or we go to planned parenthood, and we hold the door open for chicks, and then we slam it right in their fucking face. Ya know? But it’s all fake! It’s all fake! It’s all fake, I’m saying. It’s all fake, people would lose their minds.
Caller #3: Why the fuck do car alarms still exist? I know they’re not stopping any thefts, because whenever you hear one…
Sean: Try to ignore it.
Caller #3: It’s keeps going on for like, 5+ minutes, just making everything loud as fuck. That’s assuming it was from something innocent. Usually, it’s a motorcycle, which is already making enough noise pollution. Now it’s gotta sit there, letting us know what came by. Fuck, like… The only benefit is – does it still affect insurance rates? Because the insurance companies, they’re fucking retarded, and I just wish they would make all of our lives better by saying, “you know what, we’ll give everybody the anti-vehicle-theft discount.”
Dick: Yeah.
Sean: Good luck with that, dude.
Caller #3: Every vehicle made today already comes with GPS anyway. Maybe not every. But enough… It’s all bullcrap, you don’t need anything.
Dick: And there’s no more CDs, so what are they stealing? We don’t live in – they’re not stealing your car, they’re just stealing your iPhone that you left in the car, which a car alarm is not going to deter anybody from, because everybody ignores it, and it takes 2 seconds to steal the fucking phone. And you gotta eat! And you gotta do drugs! You’re not thinking about consequences! But one guy had to have a car alarm, all of a sunned, everybody’s gotta have them! Because we’re driving around with half of our lives in our fucking car! It’s so sloppy, and shitty. We can’t keep our stuff together.
Sean: True.
Caller #4: Hey Dick, uh, this is The Silver Hammer… I really… fuck… Fuck, man, I really fucking dug myself in a hole here. I’m a man of my word, but, it seems that I’m gonna be having to get a tattoo of a Facebook comment that Larry made, saying “Who the fuck is David Clegg?” So… Yeah, that’s something I have to do. Fuck.
Dick: I gotta show you this, Sean.
Sean: Okay.
Dick: You know Maxwell Kimbell, the Silver Hammer?
Sean: Of course.
Dick: You know him, a long-time caller. Long-time listener to the show. Well Maxwell, The Silver Hammer posts on Facebook, that, if his comment, hold on, just let me read it. Is it weird for you, looking at my – another man’s Facebook? Like, do you see weird people on the timeline over here? There’s something off about it that you can’t quite identify. And your curiosity about my social goals peaking. Maybe you’re interested in Facebook for the first time again?
Sean: Oh yeah, definitely.
Dick: Oh! You know I was gonna talk about how Bob Ross can’t paint a straight line to save his life! Uh, anyway… I’ll talk about that next time. Okay, Maxwell Kimbell says, “150 likes, and I’ll get this as a tattoo,” and it’s a Larry comment, saying “Who the fuck is David Clegg?” with 7 “ha-ha” reacts.
Sean: 150 likes?
Dick: Yeah. He got a lot more than that.
Sean: Yeah, he sets…
Dick: (laughing) so, I guess he’s gonna do it. Matt Miller Ink said he would do it.
Sean: Did he think that was like an insurmountable number? Is that like – I mean, 150 of anything is like, “eh, I could probably hit it.”
Dick: In a group with like 400 people, and they’re all there all the time.
Sean: Whatever. Like, yeah.
Sean: Yeah. Well, if he does it, I want to hear more about that. He should call in to talk about it.
Sean: Yeah, he should.
Dick: Maybe someone could talk him – maybe you could talk him out of it. I certainly – I think it’ll be a great tattoo.
Sean: Yeah.
Dick: Looks cool, it’s unique. You know, it’s funny. It’s funny even if you don’t know who David Clegg is. It’s just Larry, going “who the fuck is David Clegg?”
Sean: Yeah.
Dick: Alright, one more.
Caller #5: Hey Dick, this is Lusous, down here in Birmingham, Alabama. Just wanted to leave a message. I’ve been seeing some this that I ain’t never seen before. I was eatin’ dinner with my girlfriend’s mom and her, and she made us all chicken. Set the plates out, then she individually removed the skin from every piece of chicken, and threw it in the trash.
Dick: (Gasp)
Caller #5: Dick, I’m from Georgia, I live in Alabama, and I’m sending this voicemail from Tupelo Mississippi. I ain’t ever seen shit like that.
Sean: You can’t do that in the south!
Caller #5: I’m a veteran, man. I was a certified firefighter in UT, and I’ve seen some fucked up shit, but I ain’t ever seen anybody set a meal of fried chicken down, and remove the skin from each piece of fried chicken, and throw it in the trash. When you go to sleep now, think of all the good things you have in your life.
Dick: (laughs like a schoolgirl) I had a whole entire fucking bowl of thicken skin…
Caller #5: I ain’t ever seen shit like that, man.
Dick: … last night.
Sean: That’s, uh…
Dick: Only the skin.
Caller #5: I ain’t never seen shit like that.
Dick: Yeah dude, that’s a red flag.
Sean: He’s seen people burned, and they look like chicken skin, afterwards.
Dick: Yeah. But not as disturbing as…
Sean: (interjects) No!
Dick: … a woman… That’s like, misery level. That’s like psychosis. Standing there, looking at the chicken, peeling off the chicken skin, depositing it in the garbage.
Sean: What the fuck?
Dick: What in the fuck, indeed.
Sean: That’s. Yeah, that’s, uh…
Dick: I mean, I’ve seen weird – I’ve seen weird – I’ve seen weird porn. That people use to get themselves off.
Sean: Yeah.
Dick: Weird, like, denial things. Where they want to deny – they don’t want to have any pleasure at all. Like, financial mistresses, and they just call you and tell you to spend money. Ant that’s what is getting a guy off. But I have never seen anyone get off to taking off a chicken skin, and throwing it in the garbage.
Sean: No.
Dick: That’s horrifying.
Sean: In the south. That’s…
Dick: You’re going home for the holidays, you’re meeting the future in-laws. Maybe you have a life – maybe you rely on these people. Maybe you’re building a family with this girl, and you’re going to, one day, rely on these people to look at your kids, and impart wisdom. And then you see the woman peeling off the chicken skin.
Sean: And you realize that, one day, your future wife is going to be a chicken skinner.
Dick: This might… And one of your… They might do it in front of… They’re going to rob your kids of chicken skin. There’s nothing you can do about it.
Sean: No. Well, not one for advocating violence, but…
Dick: You gotta throw momma from the train. That was a good movie. You should watch that together, and then give her a little, “Hey bitch.”
Sean: Yeah.
Dick: She’s gonna say, “wow, why did?...” She’s gonna be witting there, stuffing her face with skinless chicken, (in a stupid voice) “Why did they even? Why does he even hate his mom so much?” And then you just say, “Because his mom would peel the skin off chicken, and throw it in the garbage.
Sean: Mhm. In front of him.
Dick: In front of him. That’s why. And then you just…
Sean: (interjects) Feed the skins to the dog.
Dick: … And then you let that silence sit there, and eat at eveyone’s soul, because that’s the only way people learn, is that – that – that silence that eats at your insides, until you’re nothing left. Until there’s nothing left of you. There’s no chicken skin throwing away left.
Sean: Yeah.
Dick: Disgusting. My sister would kind of do shit like that. Because she’s all, you know, she’s all healthy. She’s a great cook, she’s a great cook. And she puts a lot of work into it, and like love into it.
Sean: That’s not the part to fucking obsess over.
Dick: What?
Sean: The chicken skin. A meal that you eat, you know, once in a while, that’s not the… That’s not the part that’s making you unhealthy! Not just that!
Dick: Well, she would make these meals, but, it was always like, 75% of a portion that I wanted, and there wasn’t seconds. And it happened once, and I was like, “okay, that’s, you know. I didn’t make any fucking food, right.” But this second time, it happened again, I was like, “Hey, I’m not… this is fucked. You can’t starve people like what you’re doing. There better be a full compliment of seconds next time. What is this, Auschwitz?” I think I led with that.
Sean: Well, yeah. That’s a… Yeah.
Dick: You know, you gotta get the jokes out early to get everybody on… (Dick starts laughing)
Sean: Right.
Dick: Yeah.
Sean: Right.
Dick: My point is, can’t be fooled again. Alright everybody, C U Next Tuesday.
