Episode 45 - Dick on Opening Day

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Preventing late podcasts, Liquor pacing, Madcucks vs Existence #2, Dodger’s opening day, Buckley’s edible hat, stealing from the rich and giving to myself, Randy’s smooth-talking, bad neighbors, why Buckley was banned from the delivery room, Ginger Ale’s hand-drawn tattoo, The Five-Life, girl and boy cartoon shows and why the girl ones suck, hot chicks farting on planes, Syria and boats and why the Middle East is a money pit, Sam Glaze, My Room Records, Laughter Therapy with Sean, the biggest prank in the universe, The Best Book in the Universe, and the most 2.5 million downloads in the universe; all that and more this week on The Dick Show!

MadCucks Writer, Creator of the Bestest Show in the Universes, co-host of Here's What I Don't Get	Is a Rage! Not a Rage.
Nathan Buckley Writer, makes hats. Men in the Delivery Room	Is a Rage! Not a Rage.
See All Co-Hosts

There are only 7 days left until The Dick Show Presents ROAD RAGE: PHILLY Taxation is Theft, when we’ll destroy all roads, legalize all drugs, and anarcho all the capitalisms in the birthplace of our nation! If you haven’t bought tickets yet, GET THEM HERE!

But first…

I think when you become the President of the United States, you get to see a big leather bound book that holds all the government’s secrets. All the cover-ups, conspiracies, and clandestine intel; Goss so Hot it would bring down all of civilization, you get to see that shit. JFK wasn’t killed by Lee Harvey Oswald, but by the real JFK and the guy in the limo was a Soviet doppelganger. Area 51 is not an alien crash landing site. It’s actually a human landing site and we’re the aliens. How’s that for a mind fuck? And also, somewhere in the Middle East, there is a 10,000-year-old demon who lives under the sand and if we don’t continually bomb the fuck out of him, he’ll wake up and eat everyone’s dick. At least that’s the only reason I think of for why every fucking president can’t keep bombing that godforsaken, hell hole like the next multi-million dollar pull on the slot machine is going to be the one that unleashes a cosmic petroleum jackpot from sea to shining sea.

Bombing the Middle East is like checking out side boob for US presidents. They can’t stop themselves from doing it–even if their girlfriend is watching. Bombing the Middle East is like eating too much chips and salsa at a Mexican restaurant when you didn’t take a pre-game shit and then you have to force feed yourself a Chili Colorado because you don’t want to feel like you wasted $15. Bombing the Middle East is like a 3D eye poster that you can’t figure out, but all these giggling fucks are saying there’s something really cool in it, so you just keep staring and staring until you have a headache and your eyes are bleeding and your feet fell asleep, but you’ve already looked at it for this long, so might as well keep going. And then you find out no one has actually seen it for themselves, they just heard from someone else that it’s cool. Bombing the Middle East is like having to jerk off when your dick is sore. You’re gonna do it. You can’t help it. Just try to find a spot that isn’t so sore like an unmanned air field.

Anyway, the Middle East is ruled by violence and brutality in the same way America runs on Dunkin and lives and breathes reality television. It doesn’t matter how or why it got that way. That’s the way it is. Wishful thinking, strategery, and burning money have about the same chance of fixing a (political) culture as they do chucking Kim Kardashian’s fat ass down the memory hole. We are living in the best case scenario. The alternative is a sluttier, more annoying Assad with an aggressive social media strategy and a three-picture package deal with Dwayne Johnson. We’re all going to want Kim back.

In lighter news, depending on which side of the Goss Wars you’re on, Madcucks breaks into the show to announce the title of his next book. I’m not going to spoil the adventure here, but I’m going to list the proof of my claim below for your inspection. My claim? The real Maddox was forced to change his book title by a mysterious and industrious DickHead.

Exhibit A: Maddox’s first book cover. No publishing company has ever spent money on something they’re not going to use. The reddit thread where it was found.

Exhibit B: The transcript from Episode 52 wherein Maddox announces his book as, “the book I wanted to write first.”

Exhibit C: The actual title of Maddox’s new book: “F*ck Whales”. A title chosen in desperation probably because fuckmonkeys.com was unavailable. The publisher’s description claims Maddox’s new book is “100% new material”, but I think that means the book won’t be printed on recycled paper because the listed contents in this tomb of failure sound like the biggest rehash in the universe.

I thought this prank was the most brutal thing to ever come out of The Dick Show, but I didn’t have much time to think that before Madcucks announced the title of his new book. Look for Madcucks’ new book “The Best Book in the Universe” this summer, published by Dick Books Publishing. Dick Books Publishing: Fuckin Sue Me.

Here are the Laughter Therapy tracks of Sean and myself.