Episode 172 - Dick on Nude Figure Drawing

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A furry injects saline into my balls live on-air, students fight climate change but lose their vaping privileges, Mrs. Monopoly and other Mrs. versions of boardgames, smoking in high school, sex positivity vs. sex negativity, modesty cocks, how to have a three-way, Vito’s school principal the pedophile, me not influencing a school shooting, science fairs, Stuttering John threatens to sue Karl from “Who Are These Podcasts”, Maddox walks into a bar–and then immediately turns around and walks out, truckers passing one another at half a mile an hour, how much Boomers whine and complain about everything, and Sean bitches out of letting a furry inject saline into his balls. All that and more this week on The Dick Show!

Kian Magaña Hero. [email protected]	Is a Rage! Not a Rage.
Karl from Who Are These Podcasts? Host of "Who Are These Podcasts?", professional podcast critic, Bills fan.	Is a Rage! Not a Rage.
Vito A typical neckbeard. The guy who vaped Belle Delphine's bathwater.	Is a Rage! Not a Rage.
Yotie Giant, homemade, silicone-inflated balls.	Is a Rage! Not a Rage.
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You’re going to want to watch the video for this one, which you can get for only $1 at Patreon.com/TheDickShow. You can get it for only $1, but you can also get it at the $5 tier with a greater level of satisfaction. Don’t question it!

Also, Morlocks baseball tees are ON SALE NOW!! For a limited time only. I think I’ll stop selling these on Saturday so I can get this giant order printed and processed and shipped to all you animals ASAP–so if you see someone at the gym wearing of these, skip the formalities and launch straight into a game of slap dick. You know they’re down for it.

Get yours now before it’s too late! This might just be the very last run. But first…

I have big, beautiful, sumptuous balls. Pillows. A set of twin soggy oranges that grew and swol and transformed over the evening, from kiwis to cuties to ‘cados–avocados that is–evolving from Pika-ball to Rai-ball, becoming a singular uni-ball. A pro-sac if you will, that has no beginning and no end. No center, like the universe itself–and constantly growing. Possessed with a mysterious dark energy that calls the woman hence.

It’s difficult to put into words the experience of walking around with an explicitly gigantic set of balls between your legs. It’s like riding a phantom Harley even when you’re sitting down in perfect silence.

“I’m sorry I can’t hear you, officer. You see I have my balls turned up to 11.”

“Why yes, Pilates instructor, I actually do have a unique physical concern today. For you see, I’m carrying all of creation in this giant bulge in my pants. Check it out. You may see a cock in there somewhere.”

Not unlike Atlas; the Titan who carried the Earth in a giant partially-numbed sack between his legs. Is that numbness normal? Was that a hot flash? Fuck, I’m going to lose my balls. Don’t think about John Kruk. Don’t think about John Kruk.

That about sums it up. They are impossible to hide. And every single woman notices. Although that might be because I’m walking like I’m using an invisible hula hoop. The Super Hero Pose is out! Improbably big balls are in and I’ll never be the same.

This is a first in podcasting history. A man inflates his scrotum with saline live on-air. “For entertainment purposes only,” and it will probably be the last time anyone does this on-air if any future Big Dick Ballers give this audio a listen or this video a watch before trying it themselves. I’ll leave the spoilers out of my book report. At some point, it starts feels like everything is about to go very wrong, and it gets closer and closer until…

Concern, panic, forethought. These are relics of the small-ball me, before the ballening, before riding the Ball EAC on top of a big squishy turtle shell that used to be a shriveled up bag full of bad choices. My life is all about big balls now. Not that stupid shit.

Despite the pain depicted in this episode–that may make some of you throw up as Kian almost did–I endorse this saline ball-infusion procedure 110%. I’m sure I will be doing it again. It’s not the kind of thing you can stop doing on your own. Something has got to go wrong first. I mean, how much can you really know about yourself if you’ve never had a needle in your balls? Now if only there was some way to grow a foreskin back…

Here are the artists’ representations of my swollen balls. I should note that the swelling continued late into the evening, just as Yotie said it would. In the end, my balls reached the size of plums, then oranges, and finally settled on the size and shape and even weight of a new type of super food, a kind of mushy avocado, or a singular super mango. I don’t know what you call it, but I miss it.

Here are the artists depictions of my balls during and post injection, following the progression from zero to hero. It’s basically the Disney animated Hercules.

Wormwood